Normal??? Or Abnormal? Which do I believe?

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by butterflies32, Jun 10, 2008.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    I feel so alone with this. My mum now knows and now that she has got over her anger of it (mainly towards herself), I cannot talk to her about it. I went to the doctors today to get weighed. In a week I managed to lose 9lbs but for me that is not enough even though I can feel it in some of my clothes (some of them are a lil bit loose). It is getting to the point that I want to fight but I have no idea how. I am ment to be deeing a psychiatrist but I do not yet have a time or day for it and if I go it will mean that I will have to give up what I feel safe doing. The fact that Ilost this amount of weight suggests that what I am dooing is a good thing and I realy do not want to give it up. I have a target weight of 6st 7lbs. and at the moment am in the Middle of my BMI which is better than being at the top end of it.

    I do not want to loose my only form of control. I am scared to let go of my saftey blanket.

    I do not know what the bast thing to do is anymore. I have this voice telling me that I am not thin enough and that if I get to 6st 7lbs they(the voice) will leave me alone. I want to get rid of it. I trust it and it has become my friend. I do not want to lose my friend and yet I just want to be normal, the voice tells me that what I am doing is normal but is it. I just want to be better and yet I do not.

    How do I deal with this? How do I keep fighting.

    Sorry for rambling I just do not know what to do.

    Sam
    x
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Maybe establishing a relationship with your body and not the weight will be helpful...what makes you feel graceful? how would you like to see yourself? I have found that when I eat when I am hungry, and not live to eat, I can maintain a body I feel much more comfortable in...best of luck, J...oh, btw, I have lost 130 pounds over the past 2 1/2 yrs :)
     
  3. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    Heya,
    losing weight makes me feel graceful

    Sam
    x
     
  4. ggg456

    ggg456 Guest

    Hi :smile:

    I can relate to where you're coming from. I used to feel a lot like you in the past- especially last year when I wanted change but couldn't as there were so many emotional issues going on with me and I couldn't control anything and was getting no help anywhere...

    I understand your fear about losing your safety blanket- but the thing is, the psychiatrist is not going to take away your safety blanket :hug:. He/she is just going to assess you and keep an eye on your physical health.
    Most probably, he will refer you to a specialist department, where you'll be assessed, and if you're lucky you might get treatment here in the UK. I haven't got any treatment and I've been with MH services for 6 years- but then again, this depends on area and how MH services are in your area.


    When I get to that stage I get petrified as I know I don't have any control over the situation any more. I can hear you feel scared too..:hug:

    How does this voice sound like- is it a voice that has come about when you started losing weight, or has the voice been around before that?

    It is difficult to fight something, especially a voice or a type of behaviour that you trust and that has become normal for you.

    As for what is normal and what isn't....only you know that. I'm not here to tell you what is normal- but reading your post you do seem to be scared, frightened and perhaps, at this moment, feeling slightly out of control of the situation? You have a distance between you and the voice which you seem to be battling with too- which might suggest you don't feel too happy with what is currently going on with you?

    From personal experience a lot of my anorexic/bulimic behaviour and feelings were just surface for a lot of complex emotional issues - which is why you might find it helpful to pursue that psychiatrist, as well as any kind of independent counselling if you're not getting the help you want from MH services.


    And losing weight can make you feel graceful yes, but at the rate you're losing (9lbs a week is very fast) you're going to feel really sick and ill physically and it won't be too good then, especially, like you say, if you're already feeling out of control of the situation- you can't stop what you're doing etc.

    I wish you all the best.
     
  5. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    Heya,

    ggg456 - Those sound like my words, what I used to say to the people in my position and it makes me cry that I am losing that ability. I have been in MH services for 6years too for a difficult past and when I started feeling suicidal I was past onto a MH service were I was unable to talk about my past and just told to eat with no help or support to. As for the voice it started around the same time as wanting to lose weight. The fact that it was telling me that I was fat, am fat and that I need to be thinner, that what happened to me would not have happened if I was thinner and that I would not get eyed up by wierdo or slezy guys (apologes if any one is one) constantly, if I was thinner. The attention of boys is hard for me to deal with and I am aware a lot of guys prefer the curvacious women to a women who is thin and has a body that looks like a child. So I started losing weight. The more I lost the more praise from the voice I got. And if I put on it would tell me that I was filthy and fat and need to lose more. Now I just have to keep losing. I am constantly fat.

    Specialists are going to be hard to come by as I am a uni student in Scotland, although apparently the city were I study is the best place to be if you have an ED because it has all the services for it, but I come home (England) for the holidays coz I miss my brothers and my youngestone is stil at the stage of not wanting to leave me when I am down in fear that I will leave and not come back the same day.

    I have complex issues which is y I was refered to CAHMs. I am now in adult services, which I put myself in to coz could not cope in uni.

    I am scared, petriefied, confused. I do not know what I am doing any more.
    Life is becoming unbearble with this ED.

    Sam
    x

    P.s. Thank you for your understanding. You seem to have got most of how I am feeling spot on.
     
  6. ggg456

    ggg456 Guest

    Hey,

    I can relate to a lot what you say butterfly. Especially the thing about wanting to hide from men and not wanting to be curvaceous. That voice does sound horrible though :hug:

    Perhaps when you go back to university you could pursue those services? I'd definitely go for it seeing as the city where you study has those resources.

    I do hear the struggle you're going through.

    Take care of yourself.
     
  7. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    Heya,

    You see I do not think that it is going to be possible as by time get into an ED clinic I go back home and vicse versa at home. I feel like a hopeless case. I want to see a psyc down here but they have not got back to me. My abdomin hurts and is sore espec when touch it. I know that this is because of what I am doing but I can't stop. I do not know how.

    I am so tired.

    Sam
    x
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.