I haven't posted here in a super long time. I see the forum got a new layout in my absence. For a long time I thought I was better. I thought that maybe my life was coming together. That maybe everything would finally get to a point where I could handle the curve balls that may come my way. I was really happy for a whie. But it all came crashing down again. I've been suffering from a lot of anxiety. Anxiety used to never be a problem for me, but lately, it has been. I went to a walk-in free clinic. It was nice. At the end of my session I felt like an idiot, though. I let a lot of things spill out, and the more I spoke the more I thought that maybe I'm just a big idiot for feeling the way I do. I've been trying so hard to keep up appearances. I have friends who have been going through legitimate drama and I put on a happy face for them, because how could I burden anyone with my problems? I have been feeling really awful lately, though. Very awful. And I've been feeling so much about how I just wish everyone I've ever known would just forget that I exist because ugh, I'm a loser. I can't ever seem to shake this nagging feeling that I'm somehow just this awful person who deserves to be punished severely. Punished for what, I'm not sure. For being me, maybe? For every choice I've ever made? I seriously think sometimes that I'm worse than a murderer. :/ I see every good thing in my life not as a blessing, but as a reason I deserve to be punished. But why do I deserve to be punished?