Not okay

[sadhart]

I'm not happy. That feels pretty redundant to say as i never really am. But there has been a lot bothering me lately, with just now at work how it really sucks when you have had your heart broken and despite it being years later, it just still hurts. But what sucks even more is this feeling of guilt that makes me feel like I more than likely deserved the hurt. I did something to warrant being hurt.

This is a weird transition from that but there is a comic book convention taking place this weekend in my area. I go to it every year, but not this time. I know I will be missing out on some things,like possibly meeting William Shatner, but I just need to take a step back from it. Sometimes I just feel like I force myself go to it, and I just end up spending a bunch of money just to feel overwhelming anxiety from the crowds. But I'm also not going g because I'm not happy with life and I'm tired of being around so many people who are.

Anyway, I'm sorry for rambling like this. Just feeling a lot of frustration and stress right now.

 

[MisterBGone]

But I'm also not going g because I'm not happy with life and I'm tired of being around so many people who are.

I understand this, and think that if you feel it is the best decision for you, then that is the right one.

Anyway, I'm sorry for rambling like this. Just feeling a lot of frustration and stress right now.

It's ok. That's what we're here for!

how it really sucks when you have had your heart broken and despite it being years later, it just still hurts. But what sucks even more is this feeling of guilt that makes me feel like I more than likely deserved the hurt. I did something to warrant being hurt.

So it is still unresolved. I take it you didn't get closure? Or their forgiveness? Either way, or no matter what, it can be tough to get over these things. But at some point we've got to realize that mistakes were made, and we can't go back & change or undo them. So we have to come to a place or a point of reaching the stage of acceptance. Try to learn from it, what we can, and then to hopefully not make the same mistake twice. Plus it is really easy to get stuck in this place and swim in that territory for far longer than is helpful, or necessary. For instance, further punishing yourself, isn't going to benefit you in any way, or make you prosper as you go ahead, right? Or I take it?

. . . & I doubt that you deserved the hurt. And even if you did. I don't believe that you still deserve to be feeling this way, all of these years later~ // that's just my opinion, but I think it is a sound one.

 

[may71]

But what sucks even more is this feeling of guilt that makes me feel like I more than likely deserved the hurt. I did something to warrant being hurt.

Why do you feel guilt?

Anyway, I'm sorry for rambling like this

You're not rambling, it's ok to talk about this

 

[Livelife]

I'm not happy. That feels pretty redundant to say as i never really am. But there has been a lot bothering me lately, with just now at work how it really sucks when you have had your heart broken and despite it being years later, it just still hurts. But what sucks even more is this feeling of guilt that makes me feel like I more than likely deserved the hurt. I did something to warrant being hurt.

This is a weird transition from that but there is a comic book convention taking place this weekend in my area. I go to it every year, but not this time. I know I will be missing out on some things,like possibly meeting William Shatner, but I just need to take a step back from it. Sometimes I just feel like I force myself go to it, and I just end up spending a bunch of money just to feel overwhelming anxiety from the crowds. But I'm also not going g because I'm not happy with life and I'm tired of being around so many people who are.

Anyway, I'm sorry for rambling like this. Just feeling a lot of frustration and stress right now.

 

[sadhart]

I understand this, and think that if you feel it is the best decision for you, then that is the right one.

It's ok. That's what we're here for!

So it is still unresolved. I take it you didn't get closure? Or their forgiveness? Either way, or no matter what, it can be tough to get over these things. But at some point we've got to realize that mistakes were made, and we can't go back & change or undo them. So we have to come to a place or a point of reaching the stage of acceptance. Try to learn from it, what we can, and then to hopefully not make the same mistake twice. Plus it is really easy to get stuck in this place and swim in that territory for far longer than is helpful, or necessary. For instance, further punishing yourself, isn't going to benefit you in any way, or make you prosper as you go ahead, right? Or I take it?

. . . & I doubt that you deserved the hurt. And even if you did. I don't believe that you still deserve to be feeling this way, all of these years later~ // that's just my opinion, but I think it is a sound one.

It's hard to explain fully. It's actually not just one particular hurt but four different ones that took place over the years. What I'm currently trying to do is talk to my therapist about it. So far,I managed to talk about the first one and am now starting with the second one,which may be the hardest one to talk about. I'm writing it out in parts,which I guess helps but there is still so much fear in doing so.

In some ways, I have accepted what happened in that I'm not in some kind of delusion about things. I mean,there was a time where I thought the only real way to deal with the heartache and pain was through drinking. Yet the hurt never really goes away for me. Like yesterday, it just kind of hit me hard out of nowhere while at work.

And I guess I questioned whether I deserved to be hurt because there were things on my part I did wrong. In some weird way, I'm glad I realize that as there are people who have probably done worse with no sense of self awareness or accountability for their actions. I may not feel like a good person, but I'm not trying to act like being a bad person is some kind of badge of honor.

Sorry, I may said that last part wrong.

 

[sadhart]

Why do you feel guilt?

You're not rambling, it's ok to talk about this

I've probably mentioned it before but there were things on my part that I did wrong. And because of it, there is also a lot of guilt and shame within me about it.

 

[MisterBGone]

It's hard to explain fully. It's actually not just one particular hurt but four different ones that took place over the years. What I'm currently trying to do is talk to my therapist about it. So far,I managed to talk about the first one and am now starting with the second one,which may be the hardest one to talk about. I'm writing it out in parts,which I guess helps but there is still so much fear in doing so.

In some ways, I have accepted what happened in that I'm not in some kind of delusion about things. I mean,there was a time where I thought the only real way to deal with the heartache and pain was through drinking. Yet the hurt never really goes away for me. Like yesterday, it just kind of hit me hard out of nowhere while at work.

And I guess I questioned whether I deserved to be hurt because there were things on my part I did wrong. In some weird way, I'm glad I realize that as there are people who have probably done worse with no sense of self awareness or accountability for their actions. I may not feel like a good person, but I'm not trying to act like being a bad person is some kind of badge of honor.

Sorry, I may said that last part wrong.

nope, I think I understand all of what you say here! And I'm glad you're working through it, and seem to have a firm handle, or grasp on it then. And it's only reasonable for it to rear its ugly head from time to time, I'd suppose. Kind of inconvenient to have it happen at work, but that's the way it goes...

 

[may71]

I've probably mentioned it before but there were things on my part that I did wrong. And because of it, there is also a lot of guilt and shame within me about it.

If you'd like to talk about it you're welcome to.

 

[sadhart]

nope, I think I understand all of what you say here! And I'm glad you're working through it, and seem to have a firm handle, or grasp on it then. And it's only reasonable for it to rear its ugly head from time to time, I'd suppose. Kind of inconvenient to have it happen at work, but that's the way it goes...

Really not sure if I do have a good handle on this. You know, I sometimes wish that I didn't have a conscious. Maybe was just straight up arrogant and narcissistic. Because people like that,despite being so scummy,don't seem to doubt or second guess themselves.

 

[sadhart]

If you'd like to talk about it you're welcome to.

It's hard to go into a lot of detail. Just how I respond to rejection or being hurt.

 

[MisterBGone]

Really not sure if I do have a good handle on this. You know, I sometimes wish that I didn't have a conscious. Maybe was just straight up arrogant and narcissistic. Because people like that,despite being so scummy,don't seem to doubt or second guess themselves.

You make, or "raise," an 'excellent,' point... At least in terms of, their happiness & over-all "satisfaction," maybe then - yes & sure: there may be other areas of deficiency, within themselves that they perceive that are making them feel less than satisfied or fulfilled in life (hence all the hard work to pursue success/es in life); how ever. In so far as what you're talking about--they probably don't waste all that much time - if any at all - worrying & wondering about how their actions may have impacted or affected another individual.

 

[iloverachel]

my friend

 

[ib4uib]

I'm not happy. That feels pretty redundant to say as i never really am. But there has been a lot bothering me lately, with just now at work how it really sucks when you have had your heart broken and despite it being years later, it just still hurts. But what sucks even more is this feeling of guilt that makes me feel like I more than likely deserved the hurt. I did something to warrant being hurt.

This is a weird transition from that but there is a comic book convention taking place this weekend in my area. I go to it every year, but not this time. I know I will be missing out on some things,like possibly meeting William Shatner, but I just need to take a step back from it. Sometimes I just feel like I force myself go to it, and I just end up spending a bunch of money just to feel overwhelming anxiety from the crowds. But I'm also not going g because I'm not happy with life and I'm tired of being around so many people who are.

Anyway, I'm sorry for rambling like this. Just feeling a lot of frustration and stress right now.

 

[xprincessx]

I'm not happy. That feels pretty redundant to say as i never really am. But there has been a lot bothering me lately, with just now at work how it really sucks when you have had your heart broken and despite it being years later, it just still hurts. But what sucks even more is this feeling of guilt that makes me feel like I more than likely deserved the hurt. I did something to warrant being hurt.

This is a weird transition from that but there is a comic book convention taking place this weekend in my area. I go to it every year, but not this time. I know I will be missing out on some things,like possibly meeting William Shatner, but I just need to take a step back from it. Sometimes I just feel like I force myself go to it, and I just end up spending a bunch of money just to feel overwhelming anxiety from the crowds. But I'm also not going g because I'm not happy with life and I'm tired of being around so many people who are.

Anyway, I'm sorry for rambling like this. Just feeling a lot of frustration and stress right now.

I'm so sorry your so stressed don't be sorry for rambling it's good to get these things off your chest x

 

[sadhart]

So my neighbor sent out this text about some kind of cleanup thing they're doing at his church. I wanted to be willing to go, but I'm now having second thoughts. I just feel all this anxiety about going. I don't really go to his church and just feel out of place when I do go. But if I tell him that I won't be able to go, I feel like I'm not being a good neighbor or something. But I am just feeling a bit discouraged and disconnected when it comes to being around others.

Really, I feel frustrated thinking about how I try to be willing to step out and do things, but how I feel no one is willing to give me a chance. It's stupid but I think about the asinine ways I've been hurt and rejected by others and it in turn makes me not want to deal with people in any capacity. I'm sorry,I'm not explaining this well. I just feel like at times my life,my existence is just a huge mistake.

 

[may71]

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad Sadhart

 

[iloverachel]

So my neighbor sent out this text about some kind of cleanup thing they're doing at his church. I wanted to be willing to go, but I'm now having second thoughts. I just feel all this anxiety about going. I don't really go to his church and just feel out of place when I do go. But if I tell him that I won't be able to go, I feel like I'm not being a good neighbor or something. But I am just feeling a bit discouraged and disconnected when it comes to being around others.

Really, I feel frustrated thinking about how I try to be willing to step out and do things, but how I feel no one is willing to give me a chance. It's stupid but I think about the asinine ways I've been hurt and rejected by others and it in turn makes me not want to deal with people in any capacity. I'm sorry,I'm not explaining this well. I just feel like at times my life,my existence is just a huge mistake.

I can totally understand
If you don't feel well enough to go, you don't have to. I also dread going to places with people because i also struggle with feeling disconnected so i see where you are coming from.

Whatever you choose to do good luck and keep us updated

 

[sadhart]

I can totally understand
If you don't feel well enough to go, you don't have to. I also dread going to places with people because i also struggle with feeling disconnected so i see where you are coming from.

Whatever you choose to do good luck and keep us updated

I ended up texting my neighbor and telling him I wasn't going and how I just felt frustrated and discouraged. He didn't respond back. Maybe he thought I was being too negative and was put off by it. But I cannot pretend to feel good when I don't. I'm not sure he cares and if that is the case, I'm not sure I want to talk to him anymore. But then again, maybe it's not fair of me to think or feel this way.

 

[sadhart]

This was a difficult weekend. The anniversary of the columbine shooting is always a sore thing for me. It shouldn't be as I was no where near the school when it took place, but I did experience alot of harsh judgment from students and teachers in the wake of it. It was like people were looking for someone to blame for it or something.

But in the last decade, the day that happened has come to mean something else. Back in 2014, on 4/20 I was almost a week into a recovery program for my addiction to alcohol. We had stopped at a Walmart after going to this church and there was a gamestop in the area. I went in but couldn't buy anything as I didn't have any money or a game system. But I had made a promise to come back someday to that particular store.

So this past Saturday, ten years on the day I made that promise, I returned. I suppose despite feeling currently unsure about my life, it at least felt good to be in a somewhat better place a decade later. I should also note that April 20th,2015 is when I graduated from the recovery program. I have a hard time seeing it as an achievement, partly because I relapsed in 2017, but I know in some ways it still is.

Anyway,sorry for writing so much. I'm trying to at least not dread this new week.

 

[SamB]

I think it’s good that you told your neighbour how you were feeling but I don’t think you should judge him harshly for his response. You are a really deep thinker and with your limited social activity then the magnitude of this event to you is quite significant, on the other hand your neighbour has probably been inundated with lots of messages as he organises the event and so he’s probably just taken your text at face value and not really thought about it much.
I don’t think any level of thinking is right or wrong, it’s just what it is, all people are different and it’s up to all of us to try and live with each other and make the best of it. Unfortunately, it does fall upon the deeper thinkers and more sensitive to adjust more because those who are not simply don’t even notice the things that are going on for you.
Schools are a harsh environment for those who don’t conform I wish it hadn’t happened to you and certainly teachers should know better.
Being sober is an achievement and the relapse doesn’t really alter that. I think it is better to judge achievement not by how high you stand but by what you have had to overcome to get there. Overcoming addiction is a big achievement and so is continuing to put yourself out their and make those social interactions when you don’t find it natural.