Not okay

[may71]

maybe it's not fair of me to think or feel this way

You have a right to express what you think and feel to other people, regardless of how they might respond.

There's also no such thing as having an unfair feeling. Feelings themselves just are, they arise from some cause. It may be unfair to think someone else is the cause of those feelings, but the feelings themselves are not unfair.

 

[may71]

I did experience alot of harsh judgment from students and teachers in the wake of it. It was like people were looking for someone to blame for it or something

It sounds like their reasoning was "The attacks were caused by marginalized individuals, so let's marginalize marginalized people even more". A better response would have been for them to consider how things like this can only occur in the context of a dysfunctional society, and then try to change their own behaviors and attitudes to remedy it.

it at least felt good to be in a somewhat better place a decade later

I'm glad it was something positive to do that.

Anyway,sorry for writing so much

It's ok to write as much as you want. As long as writing helps, writing a lot is a good thing.

 

[sadhart]

It sounds like their reasoning was "The attacks were caused by marginalized individuals, so let's marginalize marginalized people even more". A better response would have been for them to consider how things like this can only occur in the context of a dysfunctional society, and then try to change their own behaviors and attitudes to remedy it.


I'm glad it was something positive to do that.

It's ok to write as much as you want. As long as writing helps, writing a lot is a good thing.

It's too bad most people don't think like you. People I encountered during that time never saw the harm in their words and actions. Everything was justified as " just being honest " or some other ass backwardness.

Really feel exhausted, always thinking about the hurt and pain in my life. There doesn't seem to be any real relief.

 

[may71]

always thinking about the hurt and pain in my life

I do the same thing often enough. I'll recall something from many years ago, and just get angry about it all over again.

I think it's possible to retrain your brain, at least to some extent. If I become aware that I'm caught in that cycle of thinking, I can remind myself that it's something in the past and try to either think of something else, or use it as a trigger to try to not think of anything at all.

If I start thinking and getting angry about that one thing and don't consciously reroute my thought process, there's a tendency then to start thinking about a cascade of other negative experiences.

 

[sadhart]

I do the same thing often enough. I'll recall something from many years ago, and just get angry about it all over again.

I think it's possible to retrain your brain, at least to some extent. If I become aware that I'm caught in that cycle of thinking, I can remind myself that it's something in the past and try to either think of something else, or use it as a trigger to try to not think of anything at all.

If I start thinking and getting angry about that one thing and don't consciously reroute my thought process, there's a tendency then to start thinking about a cascade of other negative experiences.

Yes, I try to stay grounded in the moment when stuff like that happens. Sometimes it works but not always. I guess it doesn't always work if my current situation is not going well. Like, when I got off work yesterday, I just felt bad, and I tried to remind myself that I at least got through another work day, but that didn't really matter . I know it takes consistency on my part in some ways.

 

[BRADY33]

Not my area, but...

If you feel penance must be paid, perhaps decide the payment up front. Blind and eternal penance is not penance. Its a death sentence.

 

[sadhart]

Not my area, but...

If you feel penance must be paid, perhaps decide the payment up front. Blind and eternal penance is not penance. Its a death sentence.

Maybe it's from being shamed by others about certain things in my life that I am quick to condemn myself in a way that serves no real purpose. Either way though, maybe you are right. What you said has certainly given me something to think about.

 

[MisterBGone]

This was a difficult weekend. The anniversary of the columbine shooting is always a sore thing for me. It shouldn't be as I was no where near the school when it took place, but I did experience alot of harsh judgment from students and teachers in the wake of it. It was like people were looking for someone to blame for it or something.

But in the last decade, the day that happened has come to mean something else. Back in 2014, on 4/20 I was almost a week into a recovery program for my addiction to alcohol. We had stopped at a Walmart after going to this church and there was a gamestop in the area. I went in but couldn't buy anything as I didn't have any money or a game system. But I had made a promise to come back someday to that particular store.

So this past Saturday, ten years on the day I made that promise, I returned. I suppose despite feeling currently unsure about my life, it at least felt good to be in a somewhat better place a decade later. I should also note that April 20th,2015 is when I graduated from the recovery program. I have a hard time seeing it as an achievement, partly because I relapsed in 2017, but I know in some ways it still is.

Anyway,sorry for writing so much. I'm trying to at least not dread this new week.

I think that, most (or many) people do relapse, @sadhart - & multiple times at that... So, anyway - maybe it's okay to give yourself a break, from time to time, even though I know it can feel a rather very unnatural thing to do? I do remember that date & that time as well. I was in college & the high school I was working with, well that particular year's class of seniors, I kind of always place it, within that time frame & everything, with them. Which is rather here nor (for or to you, I realize & I understand). But just so: I remember it well, too ~is all.

I see you had a different reason for associating &/or association with it. But I'm glad for all of the hard work you've put in. I don' t know how you work your way around or better through the social anxiety. My inclination "might be," to try & just 'blast,' or (to) 'plow,' through~ / but I know that's not going to work for every-one. And heck--it might or may not even work for me, at various points & times of my life. In particular when Depression has got me by its shackles.

So anyway, I hope you can find your way--some way--whatever way that is. To help make this a little easier on you. And not such a hindrance on your life. Such that it affects you in not so wonderful ways. I do think we can over-think things. And sometimes, that can be a detriment. Especially when we don't make it part of our routine, or habit, to normally or otherwise, do a whole lot of "under-thinking," if you will?

Anyways, try & keep your head up, as best you can. For the alternative is no fun. Trust me, I've been there. Many times & often. Usually just try & not get stuck - so that I don't lose years off at a time. But? What is one to do! (some times) . . .

 

[sadhart]

I'm sorry for not taking the time to respond to the most recent responses. I'm a little upset right now. I don't know how to explain what happened at work but it was something that reminded me that I'm worthless no matter what I do. Anytime I feel just a little hopeful, something shitty happens and I just don't know why I even bother.

 

[may71]

I'm sorry this happened and that you're feeling this way. Do you want to say what it was?

 

[sadhart]

I'm sorry this happened and that you're feeling this way. Do you want to say what it was?

I don't know the best way to do so without sounding paranoid or overly sensitive. I'll just say people treat me so differently because I'm quiet. And I kind of understand, but what others don't understand is that it hurts. And it hurts in a way that doesn't make me want to talk or " come out of my shell". It just makes me want to say to hell with everyone and everything.

Sorry for being melodramatic.

 

[may71]

Sorry for being melodramatic

You're not being melodramatic. You're just expressing what you're experiencing. It's ok.

I don't know the best way to do so without sounding paranoid or overly sensitive

If you don't feel like you want to talk about it, it's ok. You're welcome to talk about it if you'd like to though.

 

[sadhart]

You're not being melodramatic. You're just expressing what you're experiencing. It's ok.


If you don't feel like you want to talk about it, it's ok. You're welcome to talk about it if you'd like to though.

Some of it is work related and it's hard explaining what I do at my job. But at the same time it just involved some awkward social things that just remind me how worthless I am, both at work and just life in general.

 

[iloverachel]

Some of it is work related and it's hard explaining what I do at my job. But at the same time it just involved some awkward social things that just remind me how worthless I am, both at work and just life in general.

You are not worthless my friend