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Not ready for love, but nothing without it.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Deleted SKU, Aug 11, 2015.

  1. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    I've always found it far too easy to fall in love too deeply. It's never a conscious thing, and it probably sounds romantic, you wake every morning thinking of someone, your last thought at night before going to sleep is of them. All you want to do is be with them, because any part of life with them is better than every part of life without them.

    But all I've found is that it's toxic to a relationship, or at least makes it very difficult to be secure in it, and makes it very easy to destroy it through stupidity... not to mention the consequences of things not working out (whether there's an actual issue, or just an invention of the mind)... because if someone is your everything, you lose everything when they are gone. So then while everything that is good is better, everything that is worse is far worse, and I've probably never been mature or stable enough to deal with that healthily. The best I have ever managed is to disconnect gracefully, against every urge to the contrary, to not bring that toxicity in to anyone else's life.

    It makes me wonder if I shouldn't just get in to a relationship with someone I don't care so much about... more an idle thought than something I would want to do, but it's an odd thought that caring less might make a relationship better... which may just be more about me than about anything else, if I wasn't so insecure, I'd be able to manage things better. And while that might be considered acceptable and normal if I was 20, but I'm almost 30, and while knowing I'm dreadfully immature when it comes to how I deal with relationships, that recognition is not enough to prevent myself from doing it.

    The problem is though, that I am a far better person when I am in love, and in a relationship, with someone. I have more focus, more direction, more motivation in life, and am just happier in myself, so get caught between wanting with all my heart to be with someone, and knowing that no matter how well I try to communicate, however I try to stop myself, that I will end up dumping that toxic mess of my insecurity on them and break everything.

    So I guess the question I have, is how do you stop yourself from wanting to be in a relationship... how do you make being alone feel ok for as long as you know it's not fair on anyone else to put up with you.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, it's a very difficult question to answer as you learn from you past relationships and try to become a better partner. I know you get hurt but everyone gets hurt whether mentally or physically. You have to be strong as you still have the rest of your life ahead of you.

    You are in no way the exception. Many people like you hurt and blame themselves to the collapse of a relationship. You might struggle now but one day you will find true love. I know you are hurting but be brave. We all hurt on the inside but show a different facade. You know you are among friends here and we totally understand what you have been through in the past.

    Be safe please.
  3. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    I know it's not unique to me, which is part of why I posted this. It's become a puzzle that twists in upon itself, and there seems to be nothing but 'bad' solutions to it. If I push myself to look for another relationship, I'll hurt both myself and someone else, but if I don't I'll be hurt too. The lesser of the two evils is to just hurt myself, but if I accept that this state of mind isn't one that can be resolved, but my future happiness needs connection with other human beings, then there's no point in me carrying on with life itself. But if it's a state of mind that there is a resolution for (with nothing as prosaic as time as the solution, because it's never seemed to solve anything for me), then... I guess I'm not sure what it is. And I mean, if I was capable of an answer to that, then there would be no problem in the first place, which is why I am here, because I can't answer that...

    And regardless, I don't know in truth, even if I could resolve it, and could look for another relationship, that I would ever find one, because of the sort of person I am... or at least, one that lived up to how I've felt before for... well, it's something I can't talk about. Just feels like a mess that's easier to cut through than unwind.