Not sure how to avoid killing myself

[woodenbox]

I am pretty deeply suicidal. Today I ordered everything for the desired method. I actually don't want to be dead, but I don't think I can talk to anyone about how extremely suicidal I am without them trying to get me hospitalized. On some level, I think I am also afraid of it being perceived as an exaggeration/desire for attention because of some things that a former therapist once said to me that have stuck with me (I am aware this is probably irrational but still struggle with it).

I would call a hotline, but I had a very negative experience the last and only time I used a hotline - we went in circles for half an hour, then she said she was calling the police and hung up on me. Police showed up an hour later and parents got pissed (this was several years ago when I lived at home). I have looked into hotlines that don't call authorities, but the only one I found is for trans people, and although I identify as trans, it feels a little disingenuous for me to use the hotline because being trans is not actually a source of significant distress in my life. I also really, really want to talk to someone who actually knows me, but they are all bad options.

I have thought about trying to talk to friends in more general ways ("I am having suicidal thoughts" vs. "I have purchased XYZ and made a plan"), but I know that if I do commit suicide it is incredibly selfish and will cause significant pain to those around me to begin with. The last thing I want is for anyone to regret not reporting me to college staff and to blame themselves. Parents are aware I am struggling a lot with mental health right now but not the extent. I have some online friends who I would talk with, but I made the stupid mistake of telling a mutual ex-friend my identity a few years ago, and I think that my online friends would probably reach out to that ex-friend to try and get me help IRL.

So I'm just kind of sitting around waiting to die. I originally had a timeline (is mentions of past timelines allowed? Not sure about the rules) but had some difficulty procuring method items that genuinely probably saved my life, or at least extended it. Right now I'm in this weird space where I simultaneously have no immediate plans and would like to live but am also actively trying to purchase the things I need. I don't know how to get myself help.

 

[FlamingoWrangler]

Hey @woodenbox,
welcome to sf. Congratulations! You’ve found a wonderful, supportive community of peers that struggle too. This is a safe space to share.

talking can help. you can post as much as you want & need. Please keep trying to live.

also, please, please, please refuse the shipment of your method, return it or throw it away immediately. You can’t have that near you. That’s the safest way to keep living.

You have done the work to find a supportive community. Please give it some time. post. There are lots of helpful people and resources here.
🦩🦩🦩🦩

 

[woodenbox]

Hey @woodenbox,
welcome to sf. Congratulations! You’ve found a wonderful, supportive community of peers that struggle too. This is a safe space to share.

talking can help. you can post as much as you want & need. Please keep trying to live.

also, please, please, please refuse the shipment of your method, return it or throw it away immediately. You can’t have that near you. That’s the safest way to keep living.

You have done the work to find a supportive community. Please give it some time. post. There are lots of helpful people and resources here.
🦩🦩🦩🦩

Thanks for replying. I don't really know how to describe my current state of mind. I am simultaneously taking steps towards suicide and also doing things that only make sense if I am going to be alive long-term. Maybe I will feel differently when my method arrives. I feel like even though there are good things in life that I enjoy, my projected sadness over the rest of my life > projected happiness, ergo I should kill myself now because life is a net negative. And I guess that on some level, I feel like doing this will make people really "understand" how miserable it is for me to be alive. I feel like things that are so easy for everyone else are a daily struggle for me and no one understands that I'm not just lazy.

I know that having the method with me is a huge risk, but there is part of me that really does want to die. I am also pretty sure that I am going to end up dead at some point in the future, and I would rather go out with this method than any other impulsive method because it is significantly less painful. I'm also concerned that it's going to get banned in the near future, which I guess is because even if I make it through this year, I don't see myself making it past 2-3 years.

Sorry. I appreciate you trying to help. I don't really know what to do. I'm just so miserable.

 

[may71]

I'm sorry that you're going through this Woodenbox.

I don't think I can talk to anyone about how extremely suicidal I am without them trying to get me hospitalized.

I think if you don't mention anything about methods or having formed a plan, they usually won't try to force you into a hospital. That said, going to a hospital might not be such a bad idea if it keeps you safe.

I have looked into hotlines that don't call authorities, but the only one I found is for trans people, and although I identify as trans, it feels a little disingenuous for me to use the hotline because being trans is not actually a source of significant distress in my life.

The only requirements to use the trans line as far as I know are that you're trans and that you're suicidal. There's no requirement that you have to be suicidal because of a trans-specific issue. I think the trans life line would probably reassure you about that.

You're welcome to say more about why you're feeling suicidal here if you'd like to.

 

[Lara_C]

. I feel like even though there are good things in life that I enjoy, my projected sadness over the rest of my life > projected happiness, ergo I should kill myself now because life is a net negative.

Welcome @woodenbox . You sound deeply clinically depressed and are anticipating the future so negatively from the standpoint of untreated depression. I think it would help if you reframed the depression as a medically treatable condition which can become life threatening if left untreated. I'm glad you've found SF to share how you're thinking and feeling but I would also urge you to speak to your doctor as the despair you're feeling need not be permanent with the right treatment. Don't let fear stop you for asking for help - as @may71 said, if you don't say anything about a timeline and method, it's not likely you would be hospitalized against your will, though for people who do have a timeline and method, being in hospital could be the only way to keep them safe while they get treatment.

And please don't accept delivery of your method. Keep posting on here instead. You can recover, there is hope

 

[onceiwas]

I wish I had someone to talk with.
suicide lines are not helpful they have their agenda.

 

[woodenbox]

I'm sorry that you're going through this Woodenbox.

Thanks. It's kind of nice to be able to talk freely about this instead of just writing people letters in my head.

I think if you don't mention anything about methods or having formed a plan, they usually won't try to force you into a hospital. That said, going to a hospital might not be such a bad idea if it keeps you safe.

Yes, I could talk to someone without talking about methods/plan. My primary concern is that if I speak with anyone close to me, they will feel responsible if I end up committing suicide so I really want to avoid that. I have thought about a therapist, but I had an incredibly awful experience with a past therapist that "traumatized" (bit of a strong word, but conveys the idea) me. I'm aware she was not representative of all therapists, as I've had two others, but it really makes me afraid of speaking to a professional.

The only requirements to use the trans line as far as I know are that you're trans and that you're suicidal. There's no requirement that you have to be suicidal because of a trans-specific issue. I think the trans life line would probably reassure you about that.

Yeah, probably. It's kind of a similar issue to the therapist, in that my experience with 988 really deterred me from hotlines, but it's tempting because this one explicitly says they won't call the police. I guess also I don't want to take away resources from I feel like people who need them more? Like being trans in America is such a struggle for people right now, and I'm not publicly out and face basically no problems for being trans.

You're welcome to say more about why you're feeling suicidal here if you'd like to.

It's pretty embarrassing. I actually have a super fantastic life. Wealthy family, parents who love me, lots of friends, attending a great college, lots of savings, etc. Like materially there is literally nothing wrong in my life. I am just so sad all the time. I wake up and I can't get out of bed, but there's no reason for it. I just feel awful for no reason.

I'm so tired of living like this. I have tried a bunch of things (antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, therapy, regular exercise + sleep + water + etc., hormones, vitamins, avoiding certain foods) and none of it helps. I am exhausted of every day being a struggle.

I also see the workplace looming ahead in my future, and it's basically going downhill from here. I had a part-time internship over the summer, and it really made me so depressed and tired and that was only 20 hours a week. Maybe I am just lazy and a bit spoiled haha. Like, I guess if I won the lottery tomorrow, I wouldn't kill myself, so basically I just need money to come to me for no effort so that I can lay in bed all day.

It's pretty awful to think like this, because I know that killing myself is super selfish and will make the people around me, especially my family, so upset, but I also feel like if I'm going to die, I may as well go out when people will mourn me. Like I have good prospects in life and stuff, and I guess I'd rather be remembered as that and not as "dropped out of college because he couldn't take the pressure and then killed himself three months later anyway." And then there's the other more irrational/emotional reason, which is that I want people to understand how miserable I am. Why aren't other people this sad? Why isn't everyone depressed? I don't understand. There's nothing wrong in my life and I'm still like this. It is so hard every day. I wish people understood that.

Those two reasons are kinda shitty. Mostly I think about them when I'm thinking about things NOT to say in a letter.

 

[woodenbox]

Welcome @woodenbox . You sound deeply clinically depressed and are anticipating the future so negatively from the standpoint of untreated depression. I think it would help if you reframed the depression as a medically treatable condition which can become life threatening if left untreated. I'm glad you've found SF to share how you're thinking and feeling but I would also urge you to speak to your doctor as the despair you're feeling need not be permanent with the right treatment. Don't let fear stop you for asking for help - as @may71 said, if you don't say anything about a timeline and method, it's not likely you would be hospitalized against your will, though for people who do have a timeline and method, being in hospital could be the only way to keep them safe while they get treatment.

I would argue that I'm anticipating the future accurately based on past experience. I feel like I have tried all these treatments and they have not helped (expanded on it a little in message above). It's not that I believe every day for the rest of my life is going to be miserable. I definitely have good days and weeks and months. But I just have this cyclical nature of depression that keeps coming back, and based on how things have been going, I don't think that the good days make the bad days worth living. There are just too many bad days and I feel so terrible during them. Bit of a utilitarian perspective, I guess.

 

[may71]

Thanks

You're welcome!

I guess also I don't want to take away resources from I feel like people who need them more?

If you're deeply suicidal, you need them as much as anyone else does. It's also not necessarily the case that they don't have over capacity. This is one of the things you could talk to them about.

Like being trans in America is such a struggle for people right now, and I'm not publicly out and face basically no problems for being trans.

Explicit discrimination and harassment may be significant trans issues, but they're also not necessarily the primary reason why people call the life line.

What about just calling them, and if you're not convinced that it's ok for you to be calling, you can always just hang up?

I just feel awful for no reason.

There's always a reason why someone feels awful, you just don't know the reason yet.

I'm so tired of living like this. I have tried a bunch of things (antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, therapy, regular exercise + sleep + water + etc., hormones, vitamins, avoiding certain foods) and none of it helps.

I'm sorry that nothing has helped. If you'd like I could tell you about some other treatment methods.

I also see the workplace looming ahead in my future, and it's basically going downhill from here.

If you can treat the depression effectively, other stuff will probably work out one way or another. Things may not go as you plan, but usually life works out in a way that makes it worth living.

And then there's the other more irrational/emotional reason, which is that I want people to understand how miserable I am.

I wonder if feeling like you've got to hide the real you from other people is part of why you feel so bad.

 

[may71]

But I just have this cyclical nature of depression that keeps coming back,

You may have been misdiagnosed, which could explain why treatment hasn't been effective for you so far.

 

[woodenbox]

What about just calling them, and if you're not convinced that it's ok for you to be calling, you can always just hang up?

Not a bad idea. I think they're only open M-F during business hours, I'll try them next week.

There's always a reason why someone feels awful, you just don't know the reason yet.

Is there? I mean, my best guess at this point is that something in my brain is broken. So a physical reason but not something that is easily identifiable (and thus more easily solved) like if I had no friends or something. Some weird chemical imbalance or a structure that's not made correctly or something biological like that. I used to get terrible PMDD consistently for 3-5 days right before my period. I was also getting the "normal" cycles of depression where every few months I would be depressed for an extended period of time, usually 1-3 weeks, unrelated to my period. Taking progesterone supplements on a doctor's recommendation based on bloodwork actually helped a lot with the PMDD, but I've basically given up on the cyclical depression one.

If you can treat the depression effectively, other stuff will probably work out one way or another. Things may not go as you plan, but usually life works out in a way that makes it worth living.

Yeah, I mean, if a fairy godmother showed up tomorrow and snapped her fingers and I stopped being depressed, I'm sure I would want to keep living. I really like life, just that the benefits are not worth the costs for me right now. I have no expectation and/or hope that anything will fix my depression, ergo, I don't see a point in continuing to suffer. I already spent a third of my life trying to keep pushing through, and I'm at my limit.

I wonder if feeling like you've got to hide the real you from other people is part of why you feel so bad.

Maybe? I really wish I could talk to my friends about how I feel, but I can't put that weight onto them. Either a) they end up reporting me (definitely not a desirable result), or b) if I end up killing myself, they feel immensely guilty. I know that suicide is so selfish. I can't hurt people even more than I already might.

You may have been misdiagnosed, which could explain why treatment hasn't been effective for you so far.

I did look into bipolar II because the cyclical nature of my depressive episodes seemed to fit, but I've never had an episode of hypomania as far as I can tell.

 

[woodenbox]

I know that having the method with me is a huge risk, but there is part of me that really does want to die. I am also pretty sure that I am going to end up dead at some point in the future, and I would rather go out with this method than any other impulsive method because it is significantly less painful. I'm also concerned that it's going to get banned in the near future, which I guess is because even if I make it through this year, I don't see myself making it past 2-3 years.

Haha, wow, it got delisted today. Honestly, that's sort of worse for me because I know it is a HUGE risk to keep the method with me (hasn't arrived yet but it's in-progress shipping soooo decent odds it still ends up with me despite the delisting). If I was having a better emotional episode, then I might be able to throw it away. But even when I am feeling better there is sort of this awareness that I need to plan for the needs of my future suicidal self, if that makes any sense. I absolutely cannot convince myself to get rid of it knowing how hard it will be to replace it. Damn.