Obsessed with a boyfriend's ex

[Phoebz]

I feel like this is a very strange problem to have but it disturbs me so much and couldn't talk about it to anyone for fear of what they would think of me.

I've been dating my boyfriend for 5 years now and we are happy most of the time, I know he loves me more than he has loved anyone else in the past. He dated his ex girlfriend for around 5years before me and it was a pretty serious relationship. He told me the relationship was not a nice one in terms of them being nice to each other and in the end she dumped him.
He took about 3 years to get over that relationship. When we started dating, he tried to reach out to her and when I asked him why, he said that he needed closure and wanted to maintain friendship. I did not like this one bit because I noticed how they clicked so well in their conversation.
I confronted him about this a few times, at first he would come up with many reasons as to why I should be okay with the whole thing as there's nothing going on between the two of them, that it's all in the past and they've both moved on.
I've always disliked this girl, she is now married, I've met her a few times at a mutual friend's place and she seemed very intimidating, she's loud and opened whereas I'm an introvert and antisocial.
Its been 4 years since my boyfriend has had a good chat with her and they are not in touch anymore.
We follow each other on social media and I notice shes doing so well, shes married, looks happy, a big extrovert,has a big circle of friends, she's a decade older than me so she's got her shit figured out and she's settled, financially well off and everything.
Initially I had my insecurity regarding my boyfriend and his feelings, whether he was still into her when he was with me but now he has fully convinced me that our relationship is better than what he could have ever imagined a loving relationship to be like. So, I currently have no issues with that...
My problem now is that even after all these years I'm obsessed with this girl.... I try my best not to, its like my mind is in a jail with her and I can't get out of it.
I really do not want to think about her or let her affect my life, my feelings.
They say that the best thing to do is to talk to ur partner about it, and I've spoken with him many times.
I just don't feel it's fair anymore to keep torturing him with this problem anymore.
I want to get this girl out of my mind permanently and I just don't know how to. I think about her everyday and I'm not even exaggerating.
Its such an odd problem to have but it's haunting me, it's been haunting me for years, I don't want to have a future where I make her a part of it by keeping her in my mind all the time.
Is all this very abnormal?? What can I do about it?? I don't want to have this sort of problem in my life.please please share your thoughts. Everyone who has read this... Something, anything.. I really need to hear as many opinions as possible.

 

[Aurelia]

Is he still in contact with her now, and if so, how often?

 

[Phoebz]

No he isn't, hasn't Been for a couple of years now.

 

[Aurelia]

Then I'm not sure I really understand why you think about her so often if he doesn't talk to her anymore. Do you think in the back of your mind that something could still end up happening between them again in the future? Or is it something to do with her being older and having her life together more so than you think you do?

 

[BlueGreen]

Honestly @Phoebz I think it's normal. To go a little off topic I think the human brain is very obsessive so it's just a matter of keeping it under control. After all this time it may be more of a habit than an obsession. Why do you follow each other? I think if you could at the very least unfollow (I would really suggest deleting her) and try not to check what she is doing and try to get used to having days without thinking about her. Your insecurity with your boyfriend is obviously the root of the problem so if you feel more secure now I would try diversion tactics to stop thinking about her and comparing yourself to her. Find stuff you don't like about her. Try and find things that will tarnish that image you have of her so that she loses that power over you. I got a bit obsessed with someone I worked with who hated me and I could never figure out why. The not knowing and needing answers made me think of her way too much but eventually it will go. Maybe the worry that you are somehow not normal is making it even worse so try not to worry. I read recently that those sort of thoughts are allowing people to take up space in our brain rent free when they could be freed up for our loved ones and better things. I'm a great believer in hypnotherapy and you could try that. I think you just need to replace her with something else more enjoyable and also not to talk about her so that she not still a presence in your relationship.

 

[Walker]

If you say that you and your bf are good and you're feeling secure about this then there's no reason to obsess about the ex. I would strongly suggest going the full mile here and blocking this girl. She probably won't even realize you're gone. But just like getting over an ex of your own, you can't really "get over" someone if you're stalking their profile and scrolling their photos and looking for signs of what is going on. She's clearly moved on from the intimate relationship part of this with him - and so has he. It's your turn now.

 

[Phoebz]

If you say that you and your bf are good and you're feeling secure about this then there's no reason to obsess about the ex. I would strongly suggest going the full mile here and blocking this girl. She probably won't even realize you're gone. But just like getting over an ex of your own, you can't really "get over" someone if you're stalking their profile and scrolling their photos and looking for signs of what is going on. She's clearly moved on from the intimate relationship part of this with him - and so has he. It's your turn now.

Thankyou

Then I'm not sure I really understand why you think about her so often if he doesn't talk to her anymore. Do you think in the back of your mind that something could still end up happening between them again in the future? Or is it something to do with her being older and having her life together more so than you think you do?

Its the latter Aurelia.

 

[Phoebz]

If you say that you and your bf are good and you're feeling secure about this then there's no reason to obsess about the ex. I would strongly suggest going the full mile here and a do jublocking this girl. She probably won't even realize you're gone. But just like getting over an ex of your own, you can't really "get over" someone if you're stalking their profile and scrolling their photos and looking for signs of what is going on. She's clearly moved on from the intimate relationship part of this with him - and so has he. It's your turn now.

Thankyou walker. I think I'm gonna do just that. I'm the only one whos stuck in the past and need to move on.

 

[Phoebz]

Honestly @Phoebz I think it's normal. To go a little off topic I think the human brain is very obsessive so it's just a matter of keeping it under control. After all this time it may be more of a habit than an obsession. Why do you follow each other? I think if you could at the very least unfollow (I would really suggest deleting her) and try not to check what she is doing and try to get used to having days without thinking about her. Your insecurity with your boyfriend is obviously the root of the problem so if you feel more secure now I would try diversion tactics to stop thinking about her and comparing yourself to her. Find stuff you don't like about her. Try and find things that will tarnish that image you have of her so that she loses that power over you. I got a bit obsessed with someone I worked with who hated me and I could never figure out why. The not knowing and needing answers made me think of her way too much but eventually it will go. Maybe the worry that you are somehow not normal is making it even worse so try not to worry. I read recently that those sort of thoughts are allowing people to take up space in our brain rent free when they could be freed up for our loved ones and better things. I'm a great believer in hypnotherapy and you could try that. I think you just need to replace her with something else more enjoyable and also not to talk about her so that she not still a presence in your relationship.

@BlueGreen i tried hypnotherapy today after you suggested it and my day immediately got better. I feel rejuvenated and I'm gonna keep filling my mind with better thoughts, you're right, i need to remove her presence from my relationship.

 

[Walker]

i tried hypnotherapy today after you suggested it and my day immediately got better.

Do you want to tell us any more about that? (I'm totally interested in this)

 

[Phoebz]

Sure... So where I'm from, its difficult to find a hypnotherapist. When blue-green suggested, I searched online if there's any way I could get some form of hypnotherapy. So firstly, I downloaded an app called 'harmony' and there are a few sessions that are free whereas for the longer ones u would have to pay. There are also other apps like 'calm' that soothes your mind and helps you get some peaceful sleep.I've tried this before but this was more of a meditation than a hypnotherapy. The other hypnosis session I came across was from YouTube,you can just search for hypnotherapy and a list of audios will appear, click on one that's atleast 20-30minutes long, I did that today morning and I must say, it lifted up my spirit. Give it a try even if it's just for experimentations sake and let me know how it goes. It's also my first so I'm pretty excited to see if it helps me in the long run.

 

[Phoebz]

And well, it wasn't a one on one in a single room session with a hypnotherapist so, obviously I didn't get hypnotised like one would imagine how it would be in a movie, one minute being asleep and suddenly waking up to the snap of a man. Though I would love to experience that. This was more of a listening session and letting out all the energy thats inside you and welcoming positivity into your life.im still yet to learn more about this myself but it doesn't hurt for one to try it out.

 

[Walker]

interesting!

 

[BlueGreen]

@BlueGreen i tried hypnotherapy today after you suggested it and my day immediately got better. I feel rejuvenated and I'm gonna keep filling my mind with better thoughts, you're right, i need to remove her presence from my relationship.

Wow, I'm so pleased to hear it worked for you! I don't think you need to be physically with a hypnotherapist. After I had my first session I came away with a tape (it was a while ago!) and I could listen to it again and again to re-enforce the effect. So yes, you can keep doing it and for other reasons if you need to. I found it really uplifting too. You get a bit of a high afterwards. Your post makes me want to try it again!