I might have pushed myself too hard. It seems like I'm coming out of it now, but I was in a poor state before. I had an interval where I entirely forgot that I was trying to work with this. Kinda like rational me passed out suddenly, then compulsive me took over. I'm back to "rational me" now, but it's a bit scary that I am doing this goddam jekyll/hyde switch back and forth. Nonetheless, any time that I was clear-headed (as opposed to unquestioned ruminations telling me what to do 100% of the time) is good progress. Damn. This fucking split personality shit is hard to contain! Dr. Jekyll is runnin' his ass off trying to arrange things so that when Mr. Hyde comes around, the fallout is minimized. Unfortunately, this energy expenditure reduces the good doctor's availability and Hyde grabs the spotlight for more of the time cause Jekyll is passed out.
No big deal, tho. I didn't learn to ride a bike without a good amount of skinned knees, and other injuries involving blood and asphalt. With OCD I can hardly expect myself to have a one-shot sudden realization and now I'm fine forevermore. I'm learning by making mistakes and getting back up. What I noticed before the shutdown was that my brain was strangely, but pleasantly, quiet. I had stopped rehearsing all the instructions to do all the things that I was driving myself to do. I didn't do them, and guess what - the sky is still blue, rain comes down (admittedly not that often lately), and the world is still turning. I was spending so much effort keeping this whole show running and I didn't even have to! With that newfound surplus of energy, I was more mindful throughout the day and I ruminated less. This led to my being able to remember where I put that damn widget this time, so I wasn't on a constant scavenger hunt for the <fill in the blank>. I had fewer clumsiness incidents, e.g., spilling things, knocking stuff over, or moving my body in such a way as to collide with objects on a horizontal surface. It was like hot damn I want more of this. But then the lights went out and so did my awareness, until now. This is gonna happen whether I get upset about it or not. So, maybe just for tonight I can ask myself if I really need to get so harsh with myself, like what is that accomplishing?
NB: this post is basically an internal dialogue/shouting match among various aspects of the "Jack" composite life form. So if it sounds a little bizarre, that's why. The inside of my head is a really complicated place. I have to define little regions of personality or I can't keep anything straight from one day to the next. In other words, I'm speaking metaphorically as opposed to actually fragmenting my personality.
Thank you! 
Fuck OCD, as per usual 
but this helped. I felt a range severely bad anxiety and strange feelings I can't even explain.
I can visualize things easily when it's about super distressing subjects 
but when it's something I actually want to think about it's like...
constant brain fog.
- I'll try something new with exposure yeah - & Good to hear about your progress