Would it be considered an illness if I was happy all the time? I'm 21 and depressed, been diagnosed with major depression 6 years ago. I honestly don't know why and I've had psychiatrists and psychologists pondering my own questions to them and never understood why I should have to pay for a session that doesn't help. In the psych wards, they have you do little activities like a kindergarten class... this is when you eat, sleep, play, read... That doesn't help me, that makes me feel even shittier. I can tell you that my childhood was fine, great even. I have a family, some close friends, like to learn and do new things, but it doesn't seem to have a point to it. With all the beauty and destruction, love and hate, I can't seem to find my place between the two or really want to. Is there a third choice? Purgatory? Friends and family are good, but I'd still rather be alone; Oddly, it's not lonely. Meditation helps little. Medication just makes me feel numb no matter what prescription I take or in what amount. T.V. just pisses me off anymore along with all the other gossip in the world. I've moved a few times, but it all feels the same no matter where I've ended up. I've never felt so willing to die for nothing. I want to die for something and I hang on to that... but what's there to hang onto when everything is gray and most everyone seems to be doing fine if not better without you? Is it because there is too much information? Too many choices that I cannot make up my own mind? I just want to stop thinking and start doing... but I don't do anything because when I do it, I feel nothing from it; feels pointless. Major accomplishment? Nothing. Just helped a little girl stop crying? Nothing. People say there is help, but why would I need help if this is just the way that I am?