On a slippery slope.

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Depressive Hate, Dec 14, 2013.

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  1. Would it be considered an illness if I was happy all the time? I'm 21 and depressed, been diagnosed with major depression 6 years ago. I honestly don't know why and I've had psychiatrists and psychologists pondering my own questions to them and never understood why I should have to pay for a session that doesn't help. In the psych wards, they have you do little activities like a kindergarten class... this is when you eat, sleep, play, read... That doesn't help me, that makes me feel even shittier.

    I can tell you that my childhood was fine, great even. I have a family, some close friends, like to learn and do new things, but it doesn't seem to have a point to it. With all the beauty and destruction, love and hate, I can't seem to find my place between the two or really want to. Is there a third choice? Purgatory?

    Friends and family are good, but I'd still rather be alone; Oddly, it's not lonely. Meditation helps little. Medication just makes me feel numb no matter what prescription I take or in what amount. T.V. just pisses me off anymore along with all the other gossip in the world. I've moved a few times, but it all feels the same no matter where I've ended up. I've never felt so willing to die for nothing. I want to die for something and I hang on to that... but what's there to hang onto when everything is gray and most everyone seems to be doing fine if not better without you?

    Is it because there is too much information? Too many choices that I cannot make up my own mind? I just want to stop thinking and start doing... but I don't do anything because when I do it, I feel nothing from it; feels pointless. Major accomplishment? Nothing. Just helped a little girl stop crying? Nothing. People say there is help, but why would I need help if this is just the way that I am?
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you helped a little girl stop crying perhaps you felt nothing but she felt your care and that is a purpose in life to help others
  3. I'm glad I could help her out, that's why I did it, but that still doesn't help me. Is that selfish?.

    Wanted to add this too...
    If it is inevitable to feel a certain way even after you've talked about it with many different people in many different ways and many different times, is it true then that silence is golden? Would it be better to keep it locked in a drawer after you've written in down to open it at a later date in time?

    I just don't understand and that's what I want.. an understanding.
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2013
  4. I did it to help her out, not to feel a certain way about it. Thought I should clarify.
  5. Well I was put in the hospital after going ramped and scaring my brother so.much that he believed his life was in danger by me. Now I'm out and on meds for major depression.. again. I didn't want anyone to know I was in the hospital in in the first place, but one word to one person and everyone seems to find out one way or another. It's shameful that the only reason you're being treated nice is because people believe that you're going to kill yourself if they don't. I mean, it's not like I had any real support here. But I find myself coming back anyways. What does that say about myself? Idk but I don't like it
  6. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Hi Jake,

    I am not 100% sure that I can relate to your issues which is why I have not commented before now... the last thing you said tho.. reminds me of myself a lot.

    I don't know if you have always been this way as you claim or if its just been this way as long as you can remember. For instance I have had seizures since I was 15months old. Prior to that, no seizure disorder at all.... but I only ever remember having the seizure disorder hanging over me.... and honestly even if you were born this way and thus always were this way... does that really make it not a disorder/illness? Lots of kids are born with spina bifoda for instance.... but that doesn't mean that its not a disorder/illness. They don't know any difference because they have always had it.... but, its still something they need to have treated. I don't think its wrong to try to find a way to be able to feel good about yourself for instance. It doesn't sound like that is something you have at the moment... a contentment or acceptance or love for yourself. That in itself tells me that something needs to "be fixed". I am glad that you were able to get some help even if it was by way of the hospital. I am sorry that you don't feel like it has helped you much though. Have you only ever tried therapy and medication to help with your issues or have you tried diet change, exercise, etc and other coping skills and relaxation techniques as well? Have you only ever had one type of therapy (ie cognitive behavioral, experiential, etc) or have you tried more than one? Perhaps you just have not found the right type of thing for you ... we all respond differently to treatment and we all have different needs... I hope you will continue looking. You deserve to be happy too.
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