on and off

[crazyjaxx]

i've been depressed for probably over 15 years... which seems ridiculous because im only 25.... I used to cut myself on the regular but it was never really bad. But since I was 13 I have been writing suicide letters and wanting to die on a regular basis. It's so bad because my family knows that I'm depressed and they always tell me to get help, but i've completely lost faith and any trust I had in that. I had a good therapist but she kept telling me all these different things, and in the end i just had more excuses to why I don't care and why I do the self destructive things I do. I've never actually found anything to help it though. Even meds. Why I'm writing in this forum though is this:
I will never forget this as long as I live. I cry on my own, I don't ask for help, and I don't like to be comforted. I hate bothering people and either pride or just a feeling of being on a burden on people has always stopped me from really crying in front of other people. But one night I just lost it, I was hysterical and I was just so... sad and depressed, and I'd lost all hope and I just went into my sisters room like that, and then she burst into tears and told me how afraid she was that I was going to kill myself. She was completely hysterical and couldn't stop crying. That was the worst thing I have ever seen of my sister. It was horrible seeing how much pain I was creating in her. That is the horrible effects of it. It hasn't stopped me from wishing for it or for slowly killing myself in the most destructive ways possible but it did make me realize that my depression has a horrible effect on other people. Since then though, i have acted happy even if I haven't been, so I don't know what's worse. Because neither one is really a good solution.

 

[ProzacDeathWish]

i've been depressed for probably over 15 years... which seems ridiculous because im only 25.... I used to cut myself on the regular but it was never really bad. But since I was 13 I have been writing suicide letters and wanting to die on a regular basis. It's so bad because my family knows that I'm depressed and they always tell me to get help, but i've completely lost faith and any trust I had in that. I had a good therapist but she kept telling me all these different things, and in the end i just had more excuses to why I don't care and why I do the self destructive things I do. I've never actually found anything to help it though. Even meds. Why I'm writing in this forum though is this:
I will never forget this as long as I live. I cry on my own, I don't ask for help, and I don't like to be comforted. I hate bothering people and either pride or just a feeling of being on a burden on people has always stopped me from really crying in front of other people. But one night I just lost it, I was hysterical and I was just so... sad and depressed, and I'd lost all hope and I just went into my sisters room like that, and then she burst into tears and told me how afraid she was that I was going to kill myself. She was completely hysterical and couldn't stop crying. That was the worst thing I have ever seen of my sister. It was horrible seeing how much pain I was creating in her. That is the horrible effects of it. It hasn't stopped me from wishing for it or for slowly killing myself in the most destructive ways possible but it did make me realize that my depression has a horrible effect on other people. Since then though, i have acted happy even if I haven't been, so I don't know what's worse. Because neither one is really a good solution.

For the moment cj I don't know what to say. Maybe you don't need advice as much as you need understanding. Of course I know that you are still in need of a solution to help you push past the crap inside your head, but I am like you in that I have run into a dead end and I don't know what to do, I've kind of stalled out when it comes to answers.

Please keep posting and sharing your thoughts, even if it's just to relieve tension. I'm interested in you and your problems and I hope for you that you can at least experience some peace once in a while.

 

[Jodi]

crazyjaxx,

you got to see the other side of the road for a minute and it sucks, I know, I had that opportunity also. I wish I knew what to say, because I too fake it in front of certain people no matter what Im feeling, I guess we all do what we got to do to get buy....but I do hope you lean on us...keep opening up and let us try to help you the best we can....suicide is never the answer my friend....take good care.....-Jodi

 

[Beret]

crazyjaxx just open up as much as you can with your therapist. as you know we are here and willing to listen. youre loved by many.
sending caring thoughts, Beret

 

[gentlelady]

I am sorry you had to see your sister in that state, but always pretending is not good for either of you. Have you completely stopped seeing your therapist? If so maybe it is time to give her another call and talk with her once again. All they can do is offer suggestions and have you try many things. It is a guessing game in reality. You have to keep trying until you find what works. Don't give up on everything. Keep trying. I know it seems like forever already, but still, keep trying. :hug: