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On my own with no hope

Kowalski

King of the Road
#1
I made my obligatory Mother's Day phone call today. I wish I hadn't. My mother is in her 80s and her mental health has been declining. She has become a major source of anger, resentment and frustration for me. She keeps having delusions of her neighbors stealing her land, building on her land, breaking into her house to annoy her but never to take anything and every single time she trashes her SUV, it was someone else's fault. I get calls from lawyers and town officials telling me that she's going around making wild accusations against people. She spends thousands on lawyers who inevitably return most of it when they drop her case. BUT...

She keeps on top of her medications, cleans the house, bathes, does her own shopping and cooking and can present as normal unless you start her on one of her trigger subjects. So, nobody will help me with her. She's even been held for observation. Our county only offers the kinds of mental health services one can refuse or walk away from without resistance. They are as useless as t**s on a lawnmower.

Back to this morning. I can no longer handle talking to my mother. I have learned not to oppose her delusions. I've been accused of everything under the sun and been disowned so many times I've lost track. I just don't want to hear about them anymore. She keeps getting worse. I have so much else on my plate right now. My wife is a full-time job. Multiple Sclerosis has taken chunks of her mobility, memory and cognition. I can get no help with her either. I've taken an early retirement to care for her. My autistic sister will soon have to call me every day with her problems because our mother is losing her patience with her and her ability to juggle everything in her life.

Now here's the thing about all of this. When I get stressed out (which doesn't take much these days) it's my wife who suffers. I lose my temper with her and yell. I would never hurt her physically but every time I make her cry, I fall back into my maddening circle of wanting to die but not being able to die because I have to take care of the three most important women in my life. But they are the ones making my life unbearable.

OK, look, nobody can help me. I just needed to vent. Please don't offer helpful suggestions. Kind words will be accepted and appreciated, but just please don't try to help. I'm tired of people trying to help. It never works out. And trust me, I HAVE tried this and looked into that. The end result is me being HERE.
 

Majmikey

SF Supporter
#2
I made my obligatory Mother's Day phone call today. I wish I hadn't. My mother is in her 80s and her mental health has been declining. She has become a major source of anger, resentment and frustration for me. She keeps having delusions of her neighbors stealing her land, building on her land, breaking into her house to annoy her but never to take anything and every single time she trashes her SUV, it was someone else's fault. I get calls from lawyers and town officials telling me that she's going around making wild accusations against people. She spends thousands on lawyers who inevitably return most of it when they drop her case. BUT...

She keeps on top of her medications, cleans the house, bathes, does her own shopping and cooking and can present as normal unless you start her on one of her trigger subjects. So, nobody will help me with her. She's even been held for observation. Our county only offers the kinds of mental health services one can refuse or walk away from without resistance. They are as useless as t**s on a lawnmower.

Back to this morning. I can no longer handle talking to my mother. I have learned not to oppose her delusions. I've been accused of everything under the sun and been disowned so many times I've lost track. I just don't want to hear about them anymore. She keeps getting worse. I have so much else on my plate right now. My wife is a full-time job. Multiple Sclerosis has taken chunks of her mobility, memory and cognition. I can get no help with her either. I've taken an early retirement to care for her. My autistic sister will soon have to call me every day with her problems because our mother is losing her patience with her and her ability to juggle everything in her life.

Now here's the thing about all of this. When I get stressed out (which doesn't take much these days) it's my wife who suffers. I lose my temper with her and yell. I would never hurt her physically but every time I make her cry, I fall back into my maddening circle of wanting to die but not being able to die because I have to take care of the three most important women in my life. But they are the ones making my life unbearable.

OK, look, nobody can help me. I just needed to vent. Please don't offer helpful suggestions. Kind words will be accepted and appreciated, but just please don't try to help. I'm tired of people trying to help. It never works out. And trust me, I HAVE tried this and looked into that. The end result is me being HERE.
Kowalski,
I am pretty sure that my mom is bipolar. One minute she appears maternal, then without warming she starts into all my faults and failures. I tried to give my mom a hug for mothers day, and she refused the hug. What kind of
mom refuses a hug from her son that she knows is battling severe depression? While I don't have to take care of a wife with MS, I can relate to the mom issue. This forum is a place of refuge and kindness, so I how that it helps a little bit. Finally, I do not know what stage of MS your wife is in, but I do know that I have had several patients with MS enrolled in a hospice program. Hospice is completely funded by the government and a person doesn't have to be in the final stages of death, they just need a terminal diagnosis. I have had patients that have been enrolled in hospice for years. If accepted into hospice they offered respite care. That might help. I know it probably shakes you up when you see your wife crying, it would me. If hospice can't help, call your insurance to see if they offer respite care.
Warmest regards, Mike
 

Lady Wolfshead

Freethinker at large
#6
@Kowalski This is not advice just a story you may relate to. My oldest sister-in-law is going through the same thing with her husband that you are going through with your mother. Even though they are married, they have lived separately for 20 years - he has the first floor of the house and she has the upstairs with her daughter. There is no staircase between the two as he took it out. He is a very strange man and always has been. He is a recluse with no friends or family other than his children - he sees his daughter and wife but they don't talk or socialize, and he makes no effort to contact his son.

Anyway he has been losing his memory for a while now. They had to take the burners from his stove because he kept starting fires. He has a plug-in kettle and lives on tea, toast, cabbage and Spam and smokes several packs of cigarettes each day. But he refuses any kind of help. Several times he has gone missing trying to find the grocery store (it closed) and they've had to drive around to find him.

A nurse advised my sister-in-law that the next time he goes missing, get the police to go get him. She also suggested they could drop him off at Emergency and tell the staff he is alone and has dementia and nobody will be picking him up. Then the staff will have to get a social worker and place him in a facility. This is Canada though. The problem is that he still has enough faculties to walk out of wherever they put him, and he is in robust physical health despite the smoking and lifelong poor diet.

I know here there is "respite care" so caregivers can get a break from having to care for their spouses with Alzheimers or other illness. Apparently some care facilities have respite care. Charities and societies for specific conditions may have it.

I really wish you the best. Nobody should deal with all that alone. *hug
 

Kowalski

King of the Road
#7
@Kowalski This is not advice just a story you may relate to. My oldest sister-in-law is going through the same thing with her husband that you are going through with your mother. Even though they are married, they have lived separately for 20 years - he has the first floor of the house and she has the upstairs with her daughter. There is no staircase between the two as he took it out. He is a very strange man and always has been. He is a recluse with no friends or family other than his children - he sees his daughter and wife but they don't talk or socialize, and he makes no effort to contact his son.

Anyway he has been losing his memory for a while now. They had to take the burners from his stove because he kept starting fires. He has a plug-in kettle and lives on tea, toast, cabbage and Spam and smokes several packs of cigarettes each day. But he refuses any kind of help. Several times he has gone missing trying to find the grocery store (it closed) and they've had to drive around to find him.

A nurse advised my sister-in-law that the next time he goes missing, get the police to go get him. She also suggested they could drop him off at Emergency and tell the staff he is alone and has dementia and nobody will be picking him up. Then the staff will have to get a social worker and place him in a facility. This is Canada though. The problem is that he still has enough faculties to walk out of wherever they put him, and he is in robust physical health despite the smoking and lifelong poor diet.

I know here there is "respite care" so caregivers can get a break from having to care for their spouses with Alzheimers or other illness. Apparently some care facilities have respite care. Charities and societies for specific conditions may have it.

I really wish you the best. Nobody should deal with all that alone. *hug
Most of my problem is that I live in America, where money talks and nobody listens to anyone/thing else. My wife is on Disability and receives checks and health benefits but there are limitations. You would think they'd furnish the help she needs. But even our paid health insurance policies don't cover what they consider full-time skilled care of the nature we need. I stopped working to care for her because to pay for the help we need would essentially mean that I'd be working JUST to pay it. I'm no doctor, lawyer or plumber. I don't sleep on bags of money.

Thank you for sharing your sister-in-law's situation. It's not that it helps to know someone else is suffering, but it does to know someone here can actually relate to part of my dilemma. The good news is that even when I do think of hurting myself, I can't because I refuse to hurt anyone else in the process. I have to take care of them and my cat. I can't bear the thought of what would happen, especially to my wife and cat if they outlived me. When I had my second heart attack, I wasn't upset over my possible demise. I cried my eyes out to my mother, making her promise me that my wife would be taken care of if I piffed. And the cat is not your typical IDGAF walking cattitude. He's a Lynxpoint Siamese who gets separation anxiety when I go grocery shopping.

Again, thank you. It is good to know that I finally do have people with whom I can relate and gain/give a little support.
 

Majmikey

SF Supporter
#9
@Lady Wolfshead @Kowalski
While it is extremely difficult getting all the help you need, and not just want, this forum is a great place for emotional support. Our human emotions are even wider than our physical needs. Yet modern medicine takes the time for specialist to the specialist to the specialist. Yet, when it comes to mental health there is only one door for treatment, and it's usually in the back of the building by the alley, next to the garbage dump.
Treating physical issues, most people can see an outward difference. Mental issues can be extremely stealthy. So places like SF offer us, me so humbly included, a place to chat, vent share, and support each other. That my friends is HUGE!!
Keep pushing forward, we are here for support and we won't be in the shadows.
 

Lady Wolfshead

Freethinker at large
#11
@Kowalski I know what you mean. I have to improve my health to make sure my disabled husband doesn't end up alone. His vision and his phobia of technology would make it difficult for him to survive alone in the modern world. We also have two sweet cats - I think cats get a bad rap --- most cats I have known are very attached to their owners. Our female cat is especially sensitive and clingy - she gets upset if we both start putting on our jackets to go for a walk or whatever.
 
#12
I just read your post. There is another option besides suicide! I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and was hearing voices, having paranoid delusions, and hallucinating. I was constantly depressed, anxious, and suicidal but gave my life to Jesus Christ in 2003, since then i have improved tremendously. I used to have severe paranoid delusions but i am now free from them completely, i am also free from anxiety and depression. There is freedom for you too in Christ! I gave my life to Christ in the bathroom at a community college i was attending one night in 2003, I asked God to forgive me for the bad things i had done, a huge weight lifted off of me, the weight of the world came off of me that night! I now have peace in my soul. I am not healed of my disease yet but i believe it is coming, i know several other people at my church that were miraculously healed of schizophrenia. God still heals today!
 

Walker

Admin
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#13
There is freedom for you too in Christ!
Please read the rules of the forum regarding delivering messages of religion to other members, please.

https://www.suicideforum.com/community/pages/SuicideForumFAQ/
17. You are entitled to your own faith but posts pushing your faith on other people are not allowed here. Our members find it triggering and have the right to speak about their problems without having a religious agenda pushed upon them. Posts that are considered to push a religious agenda will be deleted and your account may be limited or banned. Do not recommend people seek help from God, the church or any other religious activity, nor make statements that seeking such help is harmful or useless. It is equally considered a religious agenda to push an anti-God/Creator sentiment.
 

Kowalski

King of the Road
#15
I just read your post. There is another option besides suicide! I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and was hearing voices, having paranoid delusions, and hallucinating. I was constantly depressed, anxious, and suicidal but gave my life to Jesus Christ in 2003, since then i have improved tremendously. I used to have severe paranoid delusions but i am now free from them completely, i am also free from anxiety and depression. There is freedom for you too in Christ! I gave my life to Christ in the bathroom at a community college i was attending one night in 2003, I asked God to forgive me for the bad things i had done, a huge weight lifted off of me, the weight of the world came off of me that night! I now have peace in my soul. I am not healed of my disease yet but i believe it is coming, i know several other people at my church that were miraculously healed of schizophrenia. God still heals today!
please never respond to my posts again. Thank you.
 

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