Hello...
thank you all SO much for your support, its really moving having someone caring...
its HARD. i know it could be worse, but its HARD.
i cant sleep at night because i dream about "what am i gonna do with my life from now on?" OR about the CSA, or i mix both and dream about wanting to go back to swimming in competitions but in the present. they are so vivid i cant go back to sleep, and i usually wake up at around 3am. its scary and emotional and exhausting.
then there is work. its such a sufferance... i hate it and want to quit and cant find a way to quit it and still have the money to keep staying at my flat. i hate my job!
today i went to a group meeting at the mental health center with mom and she started talking and then crying and it was embarrassing and i felt bad for causing her so much pain. we had to quit the group. i dont want to admit it, but it upset me quite badly.
then theres this stupid office number i keep calling and they keep not answering. i NEED to get an appt to get my driving license back. but how am i supposed to do so without an appointment??? i HATE THIS SHITTY BUROCRATIC STUFF!!!
and last but not least, there's this f*ing shitty weather that nobody understands anymore if its gonna rain or not and not having a plan for the day after is f*ing freaking me out.
im exhausted by all of this and anxiety about the f*ing driving license and the fine i should have gotten and has not arrived yet. not that i want it, but this anxiety is painful.
i guess its all for now. sorry for writing so much but as you know i have nobody really i can talk to and these stupid panic attacks keep coming at work and im just exhausted and needing some support.
i dont know how long i can go on like this....
We Care Dying Inside: Can you get a different job? Not that you haven't probably already considered that... Can you do more, gentle/relaxing, or exercise-type of swims (such as laps?); in stead of ,the more full-blown & all out; return to the competitive? At least right out of the shoot? Even just doing something that might seem simple, or too easy, or that it is not enough. Still might be good for your physical health, which will of course (Also) be good for you mental health. Can you just go down in person to the driver's license place, to try & get your questions answered? I'm sure they've got the same people responsible for handling those at the place, as they do returning calls (missed, and who have left messages to be returned). Or not, as happens to be the case in yours. Unfortunately! That might be one way to get some resolution. Understanding, and realizing the difficulty with which the logistics of this (situation, and / or circumstance) might present. Keep talking to us all you like. It doesn't bother us. And we want/like to help, or at least to listen, when the lack of answers, or ideas comes immediately to the forefront. Do you think having your Mom there at the group, added to the distress? Or lessened it. Or did it make really no difference at all, as it or that - was not or having anything at all to do with the source (or root) of the frustration? Anyway, best wishes as always. And just keep conquering on as you have. As each day on Earth, is allegedly, or so they tell me -- or they used to -- is a, "Good thing!"
