panicking. instead of attempting i did..

[darkeyes]

panicking. need help. instead of attempting i did..

lots of cutting all day, took atleast 3-4mg of xanax. maybe more, it was a horrible day and i wasn't counting. and when i was just about start the process of ending my life, i heard my mother in the her room and felt a massive wave of guilt. she's sick enough as it is i dont need to kill her too by putting her through that pain. she's the only reason i haven't died yet. we have a very co-dependent relationship, both mental cases. so after that i figured f it if i'm not dying tonight i'm going to kill this pain so i took two of my mother's methadone and i don't know what dose it was. it was impulsive, i usually am too paranoid to mix pharms and now i'm in full blown panic that i'm going to die because i know benzos + methadone + my other psych meds is a horrible mix. i'm scared to sleep but since i'm in a bit of a hypomanic state, i guess they would call it, i won't be sleeping anyway. i don't know if i'm being paranoid like i always am or if i should be genuinely concerned that I'm going to OD.

i don't know why i'm writing this now that i think about it. i don't know whether to post it on this forum or thre crisis one. i feel like a fool but i'm just scared. it's funny how when i'm in such despair i just want to end it so much but when i'm sitting here thinking any second i'm going to pass out, stop breathing and die then i don't want it. i just want to stop feeling like hell all the time. and it would be nice if the only thing that made me feel peaceful wasn't fantasizing about my own demise. i hate who i am, i hate all these stupid things i do.

edit: oh i just need someone to talk to i'm feeling worse by the moment

i need help, advice, reassurance, whatever.. i'm feeling strange my vision's blurring

 

[Sadeyes]

It seems like you are writing this because you are in a lot of pain and you are looking for what is best provided here, peer support...support from ppl who truly understand...please stay with us and see what you can get from and offer SF...and no, there is nothing marginal about getting caring when you are in pain, in fact, the seems quite sensible...big hugs, J

 

[Locket]

:hug:

 

[mystereo2099]

How much you take? I've prevailed over 20mgs w/no tolerance and 10mgs of valium on top of it. Either way you look at it, it'll be a very long and deep sleep. Not like death, but like a bear going into hibernation. You might even wake up w/different perspective/headspace. Give mum a hug perhaps, that's what i'da done but my mum died.

 

[pensive1981]

Re: panicking. need help. instead of attempting i did..

How sick is your mother? At the very least you could set the goal of making sure you outlive her, and in the meantime try to make that decision as pleasant as possible for yourself. Short term goals to start...