paranoid and scared

[rtotheo]

Up until I was 15 I've never really experienced what I guess people call 'the good life'. I was bullied quite a lot in primary school, I've always had terrible grades ever since I went to secondary school too. Just about all the time I've always had the lowest grades in class. I would get around 20% for a test whereas the next lowest score was around the fifties mark. I never understood it really. I would always work hard whereas other people would just goof around and end up flooring tests. It made no sense in my eyes. Of course I got bullied in secondary school. People would mainly make fun out of hair as well as other petty stuff.

However it never got truly serious since I hit 15. When I realised nothing was working out for me I was seriously comtemplating the thought of killing myself. It got to the stage where I actually told a few classmates, but as one would expect, all they did was laugh, telling me to grow some balls.

Then I took my gcses, and as expected I only got one GCSE. The next year I had to retake a subject and complete a gnvq course just so I could move on to A levels. The classes were smaller (and friendlier) and during that year I actually passed which was somewhat of a blessing.

Sadly that happiness didn't last long. I was 18 in the same secondary school and things took a turn for the worse. Some people in the lower years even started chanting insulting names at me, wherever I was, and the class itself was just as bad. I was doing Advanced Business Studies, but not for long. It was a 2 year course but only after three quarters of it, the teachers suggested I quit due to my poor test grades and assignments.

So I stayed at home without school and only doing part time jobs.

I think I was around 20 when I started my new college. The course was advanced media and it was a 2 year course. The people around me seemed really nice, so I thought this was the break I finally deserved.

But I was wrong. Next year everyone seemed to turn on me. I found it very confusing. I couldn't understand it. It got really bad as well, even worse when I was at my previous college. It all started when it was part of an assignment, and we had to record our voices for these cartoons we had to make as part of an assignment. However I found out that some people took my voice recordings, and played them over and over on their computers at maximum volume, driving me nuts. All I wanted to do was my coursework. Some people even forced me to say some stupid things on the recording studio just so they could use it to take the piss out of me further. Even the teacher prepared the studio just for me, so instead of helping me, he sided with them. It was unbelievable.

The next day I was on the bus with a knife in my bag. I wasn't thinking. I just wanted to kill myself. I went to the gents by the street and closed the door behind me. I was cutting myself but not to the point where it was fatal. I dropped the knife and cried. I then walked around the street for about four hours until I got the bus home again, not even bothering going to college.

I had to take another few months to finish my assignment, which I did. However I was going to university when I realised a few people I knew were going to the same place. Not only did it put me off going to that uni (god knows how I would be treated), but it put me off going to universities full stop.

I'm 24 now, usual sob story, not married, no gf etc. I still live with my parents. I never go and socialise. Part of me says I got my whole life ahead of me, but most of me says stay in and be safe.

The thing is I have never told anyone about my life. Hell my parents don't even know how much my life was at 15 let alone 20.

I tried taking plenty of alcohol to top myself. Tried cutting myself too.

I have 2 brothers. One is a married computer technician and the other has just got a job in programming. I always compare myself to my brothers. They are always successful and talented, a reminder of what I am not. I feel like I let my brothers down.

Ironic really. Most of my life I have tried helping people. Even though I wans't very good at it, I still tried. Now its me needing help. But I really want to die, times like this I look back, really wanting to kill myself, I dont care how painful it is, how long it takes hell I don't care if it takes another 24 years as long as the end result is I die I don't care.

 

[Terry]

Time to grab the bull by the horns and find yourself some help hun. Get to your doc tell them what you've said here and ask for some counselling/therapy. Somewhere along the line something has gone wrong and you need to get to the bottom of it. Life doesn't have to be an unending misery, tho it feels sometimes that thats all u get.:sad:

 

[Wonkey Toy]

rtotheo, all you said remind me of me at school...I was always bullied too...at one point, I know, you think you are not normal. But the ones who hurt you, are the ones who are not normal..a friend in the past use to call them "low class" not cause of their money but because of their brain.

believe me all you say I know...because at 21 years old, the bullying continued for me but in worse and yes a teacher did the same...I think you suffer from trauma. Me too, when I think back, I want to end it all and I am married, no kids, but 29...my husband told me "that will not help you to think about how people treated you at school".

I am sure you are a good person, usually us, the bullied, past of present are the sensitive ones, the ones who help others when they need help...I always helped others, even strangers in the street...lessnow because I closed myself up to the world.

one day, I remember taking a cab in paris and that chauffeur told me that his daughter, she is 14, she was bullied by everybody, the sisters etc...and he was hurt, I didnt know this man but he told me his daughter was natural thats why and she is normal person...people around her were too harsh on her for being sensitive.

they feed on that..the more you are sensitive the more you are a target because that make them feel better, because I know they weren't happy with their lives...they hurt you because their lives were shitty.

I was an easy target, ok, even my boyfriends were big mess...

it is horrible to go through that but one day you will have a girlfriend, when you will be ready...I knew a guy who everyone mocked and he get married to a lovely girl...dont think people who have a girlfriend are better people..I thought that too in the past.

I used to work in a company where a girl told me once, you are very sensitive, I know you will go through though times but god will always help you because you are true.

bullying is a big problem right now. but it has existed way before we talked about it.
I advice you to talk to someone, you never had a chance to talk to someone, a councellor, someone who wouldnt judge you.
that will help you..I am sure you are a good person, we are not treated like we should be but I know you get stronger. I know that.

maybe you should talk to your brothers if you think that can help. if you get along with them.
take care
:cheekkiss

 

[zebedee]

dont feel bad about education either , i was bullied at school - i hated every moment i was in that hellhole and when I went to college my head was fucked enough that I managed to fail whatever I did...every day I thought about suicide or self harmed and used drugs as an escape. Now 10 years later I have qualifications in "stuff" (and a bunch of them) , I dont have a girlfriend at the mo but I've had a few and still retain hope one day Ill meet someone that can deal with me long term.

If you want qualifications or want to study something and turn your life around try distance learning - I did and it was the best thing I did , you can get qualifications without having to go deal with anyone and you can study anything you fancy without fear of ridicule (hey im studying herbal medicine at the mo).

Take care of yourself dude , in time you'll be a better person for all this and the people who upset you so cruelly at school/college will still be idiots.

 

[Wonkey Toy]

dont feel bad about education either , i was bullied at school - i hated every moment i was in that hellhole and when I went to college my head was fucked enough that I managed to fail whatever I did...every day I thought about suicide or self harmed and used drugs as an escape. Now 10 years later I have qualifications in "stuff" (and a bunch of them) , I dont have a girlfriend at the mo but I've had a few and still retain hope one day Ill meet someone that can deal with me long term.

If you want qualifications or want to study something and turn your life around try distance learning - I did and it was the best thing I did , you can get qualifications without having to go deal with anyone and you can study anything you fancy without fear of ridicule (hey im studying herbal medicine at the mo).

Take care of yourself dude , in time you'll be a better person for all this and the people who upset you so cruelly at school/college will still be idiots.

all you said is true..these guys who made fun of him are just idiots. who are they to judge him?
and I agree with you on the the distance learning.
I think that all we live make us stronger.