Paranoid schizophrenia

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by shounagatsuki, Jan 1, 2013.

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  1. shounagatsuki

    shounagatsuki Member

    I finally talked to a psychiatrist and she said I might be having early onset of paranoid schizophrenia.

    I had this constant fear that people are going to prosecute me, or even kill me. Especially after my online shop got 'robbed' and I had to return my customer's money. It got worse for the last 3 months that I avoided all of my friends, both online and IRL, thinking they're hating and plotting against me. I never stepped outside my home, or logged in to some websites where I was quite popular. There's this one guy who are quite persistent to meet me. He was a former hikikomori (shut-in) and as another hikikomori, I used to talk about my problems to him. Last month he called my mom, but mom told him that I was still not ready to meet people. He waited for 2 weeks, then he knocked on my door. I opened it but upon seeing his face I immediately closed the door and locked it, then locked myself up in my bedroom. Mom then talked to him. He visited me again 2-3 times but I still refused. Quite funnily mom commented that the guy seemed to have a crush on me. He didn't try to monitor me and reported my condition to other people like I suspected; he genuinely missed me, or at least that's what my mom said.

    See, this paranoia had ruined my social life, and probably my whole life. I used to have lots of friends. Some people even created my own fanclub. But now I live in fear, alone, secluded. I started hearing weird voices again, which I fist heard almost 10 years ago: a group of people laughing, yelling at me. If I tried to cover my ears with a pillow, I'd hear someone scream right from the pillow. It's a nightmare. I'm even afraid of sleeping, because I keep having vivid weird dreams.

    I also became suicidal. Since October I had attempted to poison myself twice. But the dose wasn't enough to actually kill me. I just got hospitalized.

    Is there anyone else diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia? What do you do to improve your mental health? I can't afford therapy or medication. I'm also worried if mom found out. She's already mortified when I was diagnosed with Asperger 4 years ago. I just hope she won't disown me or lock me up forever.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 1, 2013
  2. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    Heyroo shounagatsuki!

    Welcome to SF!

    I suffer from schizoaffective disorder. Think of it as schizophrenia with bipolar (yes, it is quite fun! NOT!). I can empathize with your feeling secluded. I also used to have friends, and now all of them are online. I barricade myself in my room with my cat. I hate the outside world, because I, like you, feel persecuted. I've been ill for about 18 years. I am on medication now for about 4 years. It's helped moderately. The voices are still there beckoning me to follow the path of my son (He passed away at 5 years old, earlier this year, acute leukemia). There are times I can hear him calling to me, but I am able to distinguish reality from what is in my head.

    You are not alone. There are many of us here that are willing to help.
  3. tiggersafire

    tiggersafire SF Veteran

    I have Schizoaffective disorder as well, which, like lightbeam said, is Schizophrenia and a mood disorder mixed together. I used to be extremely paranoid, thinking everyone was gonna kill me, read my mind, put thoughts in my head, etc. I also heard voices and saw things like cats, rats, shadows, and a man with no face, that all would talk to me. But I do much better now. I was put on Haldol in May, and everything seemed to get better. I take 3 antipsychotics, a mood stabilizer, and an antidepressant. So there is hope. I hope you can talk to your doctor and find a plan that will work for you.
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