Parole Tomorrow

[EmB]

Hi everyone! I need some advice; I hope that's okay.

My Dad's parole date is tomorrow. If you don't know the ins and outs, in a nutshell, he terrifies me.

My boyfriend has been a total lifeline, but I'm still wraught with anxiety. Please, some help would be appreciated. Any questions, please ask.

Sending hugs

Em

 

[may71]

Have you already tried contacting women's aid?

I think there was a professor who was giving you advice at one point...are they still available to help?

How would you feel about taking a self-defense class?

 

[SillyOldBear]

@EmB Has your Dad ever hurt you or threatened you? You could get a restraining order that states he cannot come near you. Of course that doesn't mean he will stay away. But if he violates it he could wind up back in prison. Meanwhile, just try not to be alone. Keep that boyfriend and other people around.

 

[Callousgirl]

It looks like you want your father to be in prison. I would ask, if he is released that he cannot have any contact with you as the deal of his release. I hope for the best for you.

 

[EmB]

Have you already tried contacting women's aid?

I think there was a professor who was giving you advice at one point...are they still available to help?

How would you feel about taking a self-defense class?

I did but I think their main suggestion was talking to the parole board. I have mentioned to them that I'm worried but I don't think it'll have much impact.

The professor isn't available to me anymore - I left college last year and he moved schools.

Self-defense sounds like a good idea - I will look into it. I worry though - he's much bigger than me.

Thank you so much may, you always help me out and it means a lot.

Sending hugs

Em

 

[EmB]

@EmB Has your Dad ever hurt you or threatened you? You could get a restraining order that states he cannot come near you. Of course that doesn't mean he will stay away. But if he violates it he could wind up back in prison. Meanwhile, just try not to be alone. Keep that boyfriend and other people around.

It looks like you want your father to be in prison. I would ask, if he is released that he cannot have any contact with you as the deal of his release. I hope for the best for you.

I'll reply to both as they're quite similar - he has, and in fact there's already conditions in place saying he's not allowed contact with us under any circumstances. One of my worries, however, is that his life would be ruined outside prison (he'd never be able to get a job, for example) so he'd risk it anyway. I think that's probably irrational but still, I obsess over it. Thank you both though - logically, there are steps in place. I'm just finding it hard to be logical.

Sending hugs

Em

 

[may71]

The professor isn't available to me anymore - I left college last year and he moved schools

Any chance they'd be willing to be in touch by phone or email? It seems like the professor might have the best idea of what you can expect your dad to do. If you know what to expect, you might be able to prepare.

Self-defense sounds like a good idea - I will look into it. I worry though - he's much bigger than me

Non-lethal weapons might help. I don't know about the legal issues in the UK. Pepper spray can take out someone even if they're much bigger.

I might be able to ask on another forum about what's legal in the UK.

Thank you so much may

You're welcome!

Hugs back!

 

[Callousgirl]

I'll reply to both as they're quite similar - he has, and in fact there's already conditions in place saying he's not allowed contact with us under any circumstances. One of my worries, however, is that his life would be ruined outside prison (he'd never be able to get a job, for example) so he'd risk it anyway. I think that's probably irrational but still, I obsess over it. Thank you both though - logically, there are steps in place. I'm just finding it hard to be logical.

Sending hugs

Em

Do have family members who are connected with law enforcement and I know about correctional officers and the police. Yes, it is hard for people to get a job after being in prison, but ex prisoners can get employment. The wages are not going to be great on average and most jobs will be dead end jobs. Hope he does well. Sending hugs

 

[SillyOldBear]

@EmB Self-defense class is a good idea. But it will take a while to get up to speed. Can you get some mace, or pepper spray? I shot of that in the face should stop him. If they are not legal, just carry a sturdy cane that can quickly become a decent weapon.

 

[Sunspots]

I'm so sorry Em, I know how much you've been dreading this day.
Pepper spray is illegal here so not an option for you but self defense could give you some confidence.

Here if you want to talk

 

[may71]

I did some research, and unfortuanely, yes pepper spray is illegal in the UK. In fact it sounds like there are some pretty heavy restrictions on anything that could be used as a weapon.

A cane is fine, as long as you say that you've got the cane for walking, not to whack someone over the head with it. Still if you happen to use a cane in self-defense, that doesn't seem to be a problem.

There might be some videos on how to use a cane in self defense. Practicing might help.

Just keeping your phone charged and being handy with both recording video and whipping it out for an emergency call might be good. If your dad shows up, but leaves before the police arrive, video of his presence might be enough evidence to have him put away.

While pepper spray is illegal, you can legally get "criminal identifier spray". It's not going to incapacitate an attacker the way pepper spray would, but it could disorient them and obstruct their vision long enough that you could either run away or get in a few wacks with a cane.

I think the spray has a range of up to 3 meters or so.

 

[Shush]

Hi Em
I can only imagine how hard this is for you. Some general safety planning tips - some won’t feel right to you so don’t follow them. Some might help.
1. Let neighbors know what he looks like and that you don’t want any contact with him. Ask them to call police if they see him around your home. Most people, unless they know otherwise, would likely give information about you to your dad. You want them to be aware that you do not want any contact with him.
2. Always keep your phone charged and with you.
3. If you have a car, always make sure there is gas in it, it is backed into the parking spot (easier to drive away) and the location of the nearest police station.
4. Develop a code word with a friend/family member. If he shows up and you can’t call police in front of him, call the friend and use the code word so they can call police for you. Try to keep him calm while waiting for help.
5. If he has a key for where you live, change the locks. And keep doors locked.
6. Check your social media to ensure he can’t track you through it. Possibly consider changing your name on social media, blocking anyone who might be in touch with your dad and never post where you will be or where you are.
7.let someone know where you are going and check in with them. Arrange for them to contact you if you don’t check in as planned. And if they can’t reach you, they call police.
8. Safety in numbers, when you can.
9. If you take public transit, try to sit near the driver/conductor
10. Try to vary your routine - within reason.
11. If you can, put a lock on your bedroom door - if needed it will give you more time to get help.
12. If you are worried about him coming into your home at night. Put noise makers (tin cans, bells, etc) across entry ways so you will hear someone come in (do not use if you have pets who roam the house at night)
13. If you are in school, give a copy of the restraining order to the school officials.
14. Tell co-workers about not sharing info about you with anyone (especially your dad). If you work for a large organization consider giving a copy of the restraining order to the security department.
Like I said, safety planning is not a one size fits all process. Take what makes sense to you and ignore anything that feels dangerous or less helpful to you.

I don’t know your dad, his temperment or the details of your situation, but I have worked within the legal system for 15 years. It is not common for offenders to leave prison and seek out their past victims. You are too much of a risk because your testimony put him in jail before. So certainly be careful, but as best you can, try not to let the fear take over your life. I know that is easier said than done.

Let us know how it goes.

 

[EmB]

Sorry that I haven't got round to replying. It's been a weird couple of days. I'm relatively positive right now, but I was miserable before.

He didn't get his release again. It got deferred - again. It's so frustrating; they've been pushing it for 3 years and it's all I can think about. Even if he was going to get released, I'd rather them just do it so I can eventually move past that fear and not keep it at the back of my mind.

@may71 @Shush @SillyOldBear @Callousgirl @Sunspots All of your suggestions were so, so helpful. They made me feel calmer, to know people were listening and also to have steps in place to deal with it if needs be. I'll definitely be referring back here to whenever they decide the next date.

You are all wonderful, wonderful people, and I appreciate having you all in my life.

Sending hugs

Em

 

[Sunspots]

I'm glad his release has been deferred again but I totally understand what you mean - almost like "just get it over with".

@Shush had some really good suggestions. If you're going to go with some/all of these you've now got more time to get them in place before he gets out. Likewise with self defense classes.

Sending massive hugs

 

[EmB]

I'm glad his release has been deferred again but I totally understand what you mean - almost like "just get it over with".

@Shush had some really good suggestions. If you're going to go with some/all of these you've now got more time to get them in place before he gets out. Likewise with self defense classes.

Sending massive hugs

Thank you so much Lu <3 you're so right

Sending hugs

Em

 

[Callousgirl]

@EmB

It will be a few years before he will be back up for release again

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

I once took a women's self defense class that taught both verbal and physical emergency defense skills. I would recommend that type of class over regular martial arts classes. We spent a lot of time learning how to break hand/wrist holds and how to quickly and temporarily disable a larger attacker.

 

[Callousgirl]

I once took a women's self defense class that taught both verbal and physical emergency defense skills. I would recommend that type of class over regular martial arts classes. We spent a lot of time learning how to break hand/wrist holds and how to quickly and temporarily disable a larger attacker.

I agree. The problem with martial arts, you always have to be in practice with your skills. Second, martial arts is designed more for being outside or in a room with a large space. When a woman is being attacked, it is in the house or the apartment, and it is in the bedroom, bathroom or the kitchen. Since martial arts does use the legs as a mode to fight, if your being attacked in the bathroom, you really cannot use that skill set. I did take a martial arts class as a teenager, and I asked myself, is it really practical in a conflict. A women's self defense class is better, as your learning to defend yourself in close contact with the attacker. Martial arts is not really a skill set to be used for self defense, it is a skill set to start a fight.

 

[EmB]

@EmB

It will be a few years before he will be back up for release again

It's been every few months for the past 3 years, since he's in an open prison, so I think it'll probably be around October or November.

I once took a women's self defense class that taught both verbal and physical emergency defense skills. I would recommend that type of class over regular martial arts classes. We spent a lot of time learning how to break hand/wrist holds and how to quickly and temporarily disable a larger attacker.

I agree. The problem with martial arts, you always have to be in practice with your skills. Second, martial arts is designed more for being outside or in a room with a large space. When a woman is being attacked, it is in the house or the apartment, and it is in the bedroom, bathroom or the kitchen. Since martial arts does use the legs as a mode to fight, if your being attacked in the bathroom, you really cannot use that skill set. I did take a martial arts class as a teenager, and I asked myself, is it really practical in a conflict. A women's self defense class is better, as your learning to defend yourself in close contact with the attacker. Martial arts is not really a skill set to be used for self defense, it is a skill set to start a fight.

Yeah, this is something that I should definitely look into. I plan on it. Getting myself fitter is another good one so I can at least have a decent chance of running if I need to.

Sending hugs

Em

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

Women's self defense is all about dirty tricks. And no kicks to the groin- guys expect you to try that