People are just stupid in general. People will go on about how much they love their so called friends but they have such an incredibly warped definition of what a friend is. To them a friend is someone who is of service to them. Someone who they see as entertainment or someone to tell their secrets too but oh this package also includes being someone who they can go behind and talk about like they are nothing.
Two of the people in my ‘friend’ group are ‘best friends’ yet the leader of the group will go and talk about his ‘best friend’ whenever he has a problem with her instead of just talking *TO* her. One time he even tried to embarrass her in front of the whole table by bringing up this one issue they had and was like ‘one time someone said this to me and it was really mean’ and then he pointed at her and went ‘oh guys by the way SHE said that’ WHILST SHE WAS SAT AT THE TABLE RIGHT NEXT TO HIM. They talk to each other outside of school too so he had plenty of time to confront her but chose not to for whatever reason.
And he’s not the only one i hate. No, it’s everyone i know. People are so fake and they are unknowingly obsessed with the social hierarchy which exists in each and every conversation. I don’t think anyone else really thinks the way i do so i’m going to explain.
Essentially in every group conversation there is an order of importance sort of like an unwritten rule. The ‘leader’ of the group if there is one is allowed to talk over the lesser important people as much as they want because they are automatically deemed more important and this also means that whoever they are in conversation with must listen to them and ONLY them. So in a group of five like my group at school even though there is more than enough room for one there is less likely to be two conversations going on at once and if there is it’s very short lived because the leader of the group somehow demands respect from everyone else at many points in the conversation. I sound crazy i know, but i must remind you my MH i have been seeing believes i have autism and i’ve suspected it for very long too so keep that in mind.
The funny thing though is that i have no idea how it works. To me they’re just communicating with invisible laser beams out of their minds. Although i see it’s there i don’t know what i’m meant to do with that information.
If i confronted them, people would probably say ‘it’s because you’re quiet’ but i’ve tried being loud so that people can hear me yet they still choose to ignore me. In fact then i am far too loud and they just give me an oddly judgemental blank stare and continue. What is it about me that deems me less important? Am i unsettling to them or something?
And i know it’s a choice because it happens with my siblings too and one time they ignored me and one went ‘oh sorry, i know it happens to you a lot because you’re the youngest’. It was only then that i realised that they’re aware of it and very much so. And now each time when i try to speak in conversation and i’m glanced at but ignored i think of that moment.
They know. They see me speaking, they hear me speaking but still i’m not important enough to listen to. No, the important person in the group is the great leader, or simply the other people who are respectable enough to talk to.
And that was the other thing. It’s a respect thing too but i simply can’t comprehend how i always lose respect from people. When i first started talking to them they listened to me but i guess that’s just a politeness thing or maybe a test of some kind. It seems to me that people will spend a few weeks upon meeting you analysing your perceived level of importance and then when they’ve decided on your status they’ll stop listening to you because they aren’t socially obliged to anymore.
I try to listen to everyone. I spend the whole conversation trying not to talk over people, trying not to make them uncomfortable and trying to accommodate for them because i know what it feels like to constantly be ignored. But what do i get out of it? It’s just a waste of energy, a complete waste.
And mind you it’s harder for me to not talk over people because i have trouble understanding social cues as i’ve already established, yet i still try. They are capable though. I know that because they treat others differently to me but i simply don’t matter to them.
Funnily enough, last week the leader of the group was off on vacation somewhere and everything was so much easier. It wasn’t perfect of course but it was so much easier to talk. Everything was much more balanced and i didn’t feel so self conscious. Sure i’m still well aware that the people in the group don’t really like me but i could talk. The week prior i felt so drained i gave up halfway through and sat in silence for the rest of the week so the difference is very telling.
I think that people have such a false idea of what a true connection is. Here was the leader of the group exactly two weeks ago whining about just how much he despised one person in our group who we’ll just call “Angela” and then followed this with ‘Just joking, i love Angela’ with a complete poker face. It’s horrifying to me.
Look I know i’m certainly not innocent, but these people have something fundamentally wrong with them and this is common, ‘normal’ behaviour. It’s clear this isn’t just a secondary school thing because it’s how everyone else’s minds work. I wish i could just hang out alone but unfortunately things don’t work like that at this age.
Today is a bank holiday (no school today) but tomorrow i’ll be back and i’ll have to deal with this whole mess along with the leader of the group being back from holiday too. It’s driving me insane and i mean that literally, i’ve been spiralling the whole day.
I want to disappear so i don’t have to deal with these people anymore, not as in dying but in a literal sense. Only a month and a half left of secondary school but then i’ve got college which is nothing to look forward to. Most people can choose to hang out alone but i can’t because i know i’ll get bullied.
Two of the people in my ‘friend’ group are ‘best friends’ yet the leader of the group will go and talk about his ‘best friend’ whenever he has a problem with her instead of just talking *TO* her. One time he even tried to embarrass her in front of the whole table by bringing up this one issue they had and was like ‘one time someone said this to me and it was really mean’ and then he pointed at her and went ‘oh guys by the way SHE said that’ WHILST SHE WAS SAT AT THE TABLE RIGHT NEXT TO HIM. They talk to each other outside of school too so he had plenty of time to confront her but chose not to for whatever reason.
And he’s not the only one i hate. No, it’s everyone i know. People are so fake and they are unknowingly obsessed with the social hierarchy which exists in each and every conversation. I don’t think anyone else really thinks the way i do so i’m going to explain.
Essentially in every group conversation there is an order of importance sort of like an unwritten rule. The ‘leader’ of the group if there is one is allowed to talk over the lesser important people as much as they want because they are automatically deemed more important and this also means that whoever they are in conversation with must listen to them and ONLY them. So in a group of five like my group at school even though there is more than enough room for one there is less likely to be two conversations going on at once and if there is it’s very short lived because the leader of the group somehow demands respect from everyone else at many points in the conversation. I sound crazy i know, but i must remind you my MH i have been seeing believes i have autism and i’ve suspected it for very long too so keep that in mind.
The funny thing though is that i have no idea how it works. To me they’re just communicating with invisible laser beams out of their minds. Although i see it’s there i don’t know what i’m meant to do with that information.
If i confronted them, people would probably say ‘it’s because you’re quiet’ but i’ve tried being loud so that people can hear me yet they still choose to ignore me. In fact then i am far too loud and they just give me an oddly judgemental blank stare and continue. What is it about me that deems me less important? Am i unsettling to them or something?
And i know it’s a choice because it happens with my siblings too and one time they ignored me and one went ‘oh sorry, i know it happens to you a lot because you’re the youngest’. It was only then that i realised that they’re aware of it and very much so. And now each time when i try to speak in conversation and i’m glanced at but ignored i think of that moment.
They know. They see me speaking, they hear me speaking but still i’m not important enough to listen to. No, the important person in the group is the great leader, or simply the other people who are respectable enough to talk to.
And that was the other thing. It’s a respect thing too but i simply can’t comprehend how i always lose respect from people. When i first started talking to them they listened to me but i guess that’s just a politeness thing or maybe a test of some kind. It seems to me that people will spend a few weeks upon meeting you analysing your perceived level of importance and then when they’ve decided on your status they’ll stop listening to you because they aren’t socially obliged to anymore.
I try to listen to everyone. I spend the whole conversation trying not to talk over people, trying not to make them uncomfortable and trying to accommodate for them because i know what it feels like to constantly be ignored. But what do i get out of it? It’s just a waste of energy, a complete waste.
And mind you it’s harder for me to not talk over people because i have trouble understanding social cues as i’ve already established, yet i still try. They are capable though. I know that because they treat others differently to me but i simply don’t matter to them.
Funnily enough, last week the leader of the group was off on vacation somewhere and everything was so much easier. It wasn’t perfect of course but it was so much easier to talk. Everything was much more balanced and i didn’t feel so self conscious. Sure i’m still well aware that the people in the group don’t really like me but i could talk. The week prior i felt so drained i gave up halfway through and sat in silence for the rest of the week so the difference is very telling.
I think that people have such a false idea of what a true connection is. Here was the leader of the group exactly two weeks ago whining about just how much he despised one person in our group who we’ll just call “Angela” and then followed this with ‘Just joking, i love Angela’ with a complete poker face. It’s horrifying to me.
Look I know i’m certainly not innocent, but these people have something fundamentally wrong with them and this is common, ‘normal’ behaviour. It’s clear this isn’t just a secondary school thing because it’s how everyone else’s minds work. I wish i could just hang out alone but unfortunately things don’t work like that at this age.
Today is a bank holiday (no school today) but tomorrow i’ll be back and i’ll have to deal with this whole mess along with the leader of the group being back from holiday too. It’s driving me insane and i mean that literally, i’ve been spiralling the whole day.
I want to disappear so i don’t have to deal with these people anymore, not as in dying but in a literal sense. Only a month and a half left of secondary school but then i’ve got college which is nothing to look forward to. Most people can choose to hang out alone but i can’t because i know i’ll get bullied.
