This past month has been as close to my own personal hell as earthly possible. We had a house fire in late November and due to damage we had to move in with my Aunt and hour away on the family farm. We had already planned on moving here but not for years down the road when we would be able to build our own house. But for now, all 7 members of my family and my dog are living in my Aunt's house. During the week my family is separated. My mom still works back in our home town and 3 of my 4 siblings are trying to finish out their semester's at school before switching over. So all week I'm stuck at home with my moody Aunt, my stoner Uncle, my ADD ridden younger brother, and my fat, lazy, bastard of a father.
I spend all my time in my room or trying to keep everything picture perfect so my Aunt doesn't flip on anybody. I have never felt more alone in my life. My father does nothing but claim he "isn't feeling well" or "man I feel really shitting today". Meanwhile the rest of our family (especially my mom) are trying to make this new living situation work. All day I get to hear him talk about himself because now he has a new audience, people who haven't heard about his time in the Navy or his crack-head teenager days. He does nothing to help us, he complains constantly but does nothing about it. He sits and has the nerve to watch TV and laugh obnoxiously loud and yell at people if they interrupt him or make a loud noise so, God forbid, he can't hear what has him in such rapt attention, as the rest of us work on cleaning out rooms and moving things in. He's a smart ass, he thinks that because he's the father he can do whatever the hell he wants and nobody has a right to say otherwise, and he uses his various mystery illnesses as an excuse to not stand up and take care of his wife and children in their time of need.
I hate this. I hate living here, I hate dealing with my dad and mt brother. I tried of being away from my sister, I sick of my family being apart. I miss my best friend more than anything. I have to get a job and start driving and finish school and keep my room clean and make sure everything is perfect. i can't deal with this all at once. Call my weak, or pathetic, but normal everyday coming of age activities terrify me to tears and now that I have my permit all my family talks about is making me drive so I can get a job. I just don't see anyway out of this. I don't think I can get through this one, I don't think I have the strength for this one. Everything has been taken from me and now I'm being pushed to do even more. The past three weeks I have thought of suicide for most of my waking hours. Why can't I? Why can't I make that choice? Maybe this IS too much, maybe I'm gonna break eventually anyways. I think I will. I know how I'll do it, I have a letter written out. What's stopping me? Why the hell not?
I spend all my time in my room or trying to keep everything picture perfect so my Aunt doesn't flip on anybody. I have never felt more alone in my life. My father does nothing but claim he "isn't feeling well" or "man I feel really shitting today". Meanwhile the rest of our family (especially my mom) are trying to make this new living situation work. All day I get to hear him talk about himself because now he has a new audience, people who haven't heard about his time in the Navy or his crack-head teenager days. He does nothing to help us, he complains constantly but does nothing about it. He sits and has the nerve to watch TV and laugh obnoxiously loud and yell at people if they interrupt him or make a loud noise so, God forbid, he can't hear what has him in such rapt attention, as the rest of us work on cleaning out rooms and moving things in. He's a smart ass, he thinks that because he's the father he can do whatever the hell he wants and nobody has a right to say otherwise, and he uses his various mystery illnesses as an excuse to not stand up and take care of his wife and children in their time of need.
I hate this. I hate living here, I hate dealing with my dad and mt brother. I tried of being away from my sister, I sick of my family being apart. I miss my best friend more than anything. I have to get a job and start driving and finish school and keep my room clean and make sure everything is perfect. i can't deal with this all at once. Call my weak, or pathetic, but normal everyday coming of age activities terrify me to tears and now that I have my permit all my family talks about is making me drive so I can get a job. I just don't see anyway out of this. I don't think I can get through this one, I don't think I have the strength for this one. Everything has been taken from me and now I'm being pushed to do even more. The past three weeks I have thought of suicide for most of my waking hours. Why can't I? Why can't I make that choice? Maybe this IS too much, maybe I'm gonna break eventually anyways. I think I will. I know how I'll do it, I have a letter written out. What's stopping me? Why the hell not?