Last year I lost three people who were so close to me. The first was in April, a man who adopted myself and my family as if we were his own. His wife, a year prior was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in multiple locations who I also adore. She's still here but he passed from a heart attack. That was a punch to the gut. In June, a friend of 15 years committed suicide. He and I talked a lot about our mental states, and I tried so hard to help him however I could. That was a slap in the face and I was so angry and so heart broken. In August we lost my father in law. He broke his hip, and once admitted into the hospital he was diagnosed with bone cancer and lung cancer. He passed a month later. We were at least able to see him, he was hardly lucid the whole time. He died the day after we left (as we live four states away). I shut down. The gates slammed shut and I gave up on emotion for as long as I could. About a month later, my friend had puppies, but one was rejected so I helped take care of him. He was with me for nearly a week, feedings throughout the day and night, waking up to any noise he made, kissed him constantly and prayed he would make it. Unfortunately he didn't. I cried non stop for two days. I cried for everyone I lost. I cried because I couldn't do anything else. I cried because I couldn't do anything period. Around Christmas, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. Only stage 1, and it was, so we thought, her breast. Last week we found out it was in her lymph node as well, and that the mass was larger than they thought. So she is going back in for surgery next week, and having multiple scans done over the rest of her to see if there are any more tumors. My mom is the only blood family I've ever had. It's been her and I against the world before expanding our family with marriage and kids of my own. I miss my mom, as she's back four states away. My heart can't handle anything else right now. It feels like it will burst any moment. I've already lost so many people in such a short period. I can't handle this. It hurts, it sucks, and it's back to feeling useless. I've prayed and prayed, and what I've been taught is that is the best thing to do, but it doesn't seem like He's listening. Well, I guess that's it. Thanks to whoever reads all this. Just needed to let it all out before it consumes me completely.