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Please god no more

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by sunnypseudo, Feb 5, 2018.

  1. sunnypseudo

    sunnypseudo Well-Known Member

    Last year I lost three people who were so close to me. The first was in April, a man who adopted myself and my family as if we were his own. His wife, a year prior was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in multiple locations who I also adore. She's still here but he passed from a heart attack. That was a punch to the gut. In June, a friend of 15 years committed suicide. He and I talked a lot about our mental states, and I tried so hard to help him however I could. That was a slap in the face and I was so angry and so heart broken. In August we lost my father in law. He broke his hip, and once admitted into the hospital he was diagnosed with bone cancer and lung cancer. He passed a month later. We were at least able to see him, he was hardly lucid the whole time. He died the day after we left (as we live four states away). I shut down. The gates slammed shut and I gave up on emotion for as long as I could.

    About a month later, my friend had puppies, but one was rejected so I helped take care of him. He was with me for nearly a week, feedings throughout the day and night, waking up to any noise he made, kissed him constantly and prayed he would make it. Unfortunately he didn't. I cried non stop for two days. I cried for everyone I lost. I cried because I couldn't do anything else. I cried because I couldn't do anything period.

    Around Christmas, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. Only stage 1, and it was, so we thought, her breast. Last week we found out it was in her lymph node as well, and that the mass was larger than they thought. So she is going back in for surgery next week, and having multiple scans done over the rest of her to see if there are any more tumors. My mom is the only blood family I've ever had. It's been her and I against the world before expanding our family with marriage and kids of my own. I miss my mom, as she's back four states away. My heart can't handle anything else right now. It feels like it will burst any moment.

    I've already lost so many people in such a short period. I can't handle this. It hurts, it sucks, and it's back to feeling useless. I've prayed and prayed, and what I've been taught is that is the best thing to do, but it doesn't seem like He's listening.

    Well, I guess that's it. Thanks to whoever reads all this. Just needed to let it all out before it consumes me completely.
    Winter Blues and LonelyLuna like this.
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear that you have lost so many loved ones

    As hard as it is to lose someone, you probably don't regret knowing the ones you've lost. You also almost certainly made their lives better. I bet everyone you've know has been grateful to know you. The rejected puppy probably wouldn't have lasted as long as it did without your love and care. Your friend probably would have felt a lot worse if he had no one to talk to.

    Death is an unavoidable thing, but what happens to us while we are alive is the thing we can change.

    I've been on SF for about seven years now, but it's only been in the last year or so that I've been posting regularly. I spent a long time away from SF because I felt like I couldn't take it. Just the constant stream of people wanting to die. The fact that I often times felt like I wasn't helping, or maybe even making things worse sometimes. The fact that there were so many people that I just couldn't help.

    Something just clicked with me about a year ago though. There are going to be people here who are suicidal whether I post here or not, and on balance I'm probably doing some good. I just realized that this is something that I should be doing.

    So I guess accepting that losses and failures are inevitable is a necessary part of reaching your full potential to make the world a better place. And I think you have indeed made the world a better place through the love and caring you have given to others. So hopefully there is a way you can learn to protect your heart better without giving up on loving.

    I hope you can spend time with the wife of the man who adopted you, and talking to your mom on the phone without the fear of losing them overwhelming you.

    I don't know if there is a God, or if there is, that He is good. But if there is a God, and He is good, then surely He loves you and doesn't want you to suffer.
  3. LonelyLuna

    LonelyLuna Well-Known Member

    I can't imagine the pain you've been through. But ready your words of pain brought tears to my eyes.

    The word ahead are sadly aren't encouraging but rather simply expressing my emotions to you.

    I'm sorry. I know it doesn't fix anything but it's the only thing that can help me express my empathy. So still? I will say I'm sorry.

    I'm sorry you've been through so much pain.
    I'm sorry you keep getting blow after blow.
    I'm so sorry that it seems your prayers are going unnoticed.
    And I'm sorry I don't have the power to reverse time and make all of them be able to stay with you longer.

    Thank you for standing strong despite the pain and being able to share it here where you're safe.

    With just this post I can tell that I like you, you're a good person. And I hope beyond all hope that your mother recovers and peace will settle over you for as long as possible.
  4. sunnypseudo

    sunnypseudo Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much for your words. I'm sorry ididnt read this until now. I have doubts that I made their lives any better but they sure made mine a lot better. I know death is inevitable, but it still hurts. I just hate being left with feeling like there was maybe something else I could have done. You do bring up a good point, these things will happen whether I am there or not. Oddly, that helps. Thank you May.
    may71 and Stijn like this.
  5. sunnypseudo

    sunnypseudo Well-Known Member

    Thank you Luna, the compassion here is amazing. The help and support I've received over the years I've been here is more than I deserve, and will always appreciate everyone here. Thank you, thank you thank you, I wish I could say more than that but those are the only words I can think of. Thank you both from the bottom of my heart.
    may71, Stijn and LonelyLuna like this.
  6. LonelyLuna

    LonelyLuna Well-Known Member

    Everyone no matter who they are deserve endless support for whatever they're facing!!! I've come to embrace this ideal because I struggled to accept others compassion and support.

    Unlike your situation, I've been blessed with fortune with my family and position in life, yet struggling to live each day.

    Anyway, I can see you are strong, so although you feel like you don't deserve it, accept it. And if you still feel the same, then use their support to fill you, so you can give it out to others.
    may71 likes this.
  7. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    There's no doubt in my mind

    You're welcome! :)
  8. sunnypseudo

    sunnypseudo Well-Known Member

    Struggling with will to continue seldom seems to be impacted little by what others might perceive as a good life. Some of us just have that what feels like a never ending battle with our inner selves. Like really, of me aside from recent tragedies, I have a good life, have had one. I still end up listening to the voice in my head that tells me I'm not worth any of it, or skews it into something terrible. I'm sorry you struggle Luna. I'm glad you are here.
    LonelyLuna likes this.
  9. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    I don't know what to say about all this loss. Even the loss of animals is heartbreaking when coupled with so much else. I feel for you.
  10. sunnypseudo

    sunnypseudo Well-Known Member

    Thank you Walker, I did get some good news finally. As far as we know now, she should be cancer free. Her bone and body scans came back clean. She's recovering now from her surgery Wednesday. We will know if they got it all this time hopefully in the next week or two. I'm feeling a lot more positive after getting some good news finally. I still feel bad that I can't be there to help, but we do well keeping each others spirits up on the phone.
    may71 likes this.
  11. Lady Wolfshead

    Lady Wolfshead Trying to re-dream my dreams

    Just found this thread now. So glad she is cancer free, most likely.
    Sorry for all your loss. I just lost my best friend last month and I'm still in shock.