hi. This might be a little long-winded
I've started seeing councilor but there not helping very much.
Last few weeks Ive been struggling to keep myself alive. I just don't want to live anymore. I've been cutting more and more everyday. I'm afraid one of these days I might find the courage to end it. Life for me the last several years has been very tough. I watched my best friend get shot in front of me, I got 64 hours of community service for something i didn't even do, My family, well i could say its fallen apart but that would be putting it lightly. my parents are splitting up, im about to be thrown out on my own with no cash, no job, nobody to turn to, nowhere to live except the cab of my beaten pickup truck, I'm fed up with living right now. Its too much emotional pain to handle. Yesterday I punched my locker hard enough to put dents in it and shattered my middle knuckle on my right hand... I've lost most of my will to keep going.
A few nights ago I tried to kill myself. <Mod Edit,IrishDoll:Methods> (got them prescribed to me about a week ago as antidepressants).... Eventually I just passed out on the floor. No memory of what happened leading up to this execpt for 4 empty bottles of beer and the empty bottle of pills. Woke up puking everywhere, feeling really dazed and out of it. From what I was reading about them, by all rights I should have slipped into a coma. I wish I had of, wouldn't be here right now....
Tonight, I walked down the train tracks just outside of town, stood right there within a foot of a roaring train, watching it whistle by me, just trying to get the nerve to throw myself under the wheels as it was going by.
As for seeing my doctor or a councilor, as from my experience all of them ive been to really couldnt give a crap about thier patients. There just there to get there nice little paycheck and go home to thier perfect wife and perfect kids, driving a nice car with a large circle of friends. Im sure theres some that arnt like this, that DO care, but Ive never been fortunate enough to deal with them.
I cant honestly think of anything I want to live for. There's not too much good left. The ONLY thing somewhat keeping me going was my now ex-girlfriend, because I knew she would be the only person who would care if I died. Now she's gone out of my life too.
I'm in constant physical and mental pain 24 hours a day. My ribs fractured about 5 years ago, I got hit by a car. Didn't realize for another year... They decided it would be riskier to operate them than to just leave them alone, so thats how it went down. They dont bother me exept for getting punched in the chest. Or the odd lump that it created (interesting post-sex topic LOL) and that and the depression were on my record. That and a blemish on my criminal record-- got drunk last year and had the stupid idea to go carhopping. All of this and I can kiss my planned-out future military career goodbye.
I've started seeing councilor but there not helping very much.
Last few weeks Ive been struggling to keep myself alive. I just don't want to live anymore. I've been cutting more and more everyday. I'm afraid one of these days I might find the courage to end it. Life for me the last several years has been very tough. I watched my best friend get shot in front of me, I got 64 hours of community service for something i didn't even do, My family, well i could say its fallen apart but that would be putting it lightly. my parents are splitting up, im about to be thrown out on my own with no cash, no job, nobody to turn to, nowhere to live except the cab of my beaten pickup truck, I'm fed up with living right now. Its too much emotional pain to handle. Yesterday I punched my locker hard enough to put dents in it and shattered my middle knuckle on my right hand... I've lost most of my will to keep going.
A few nights ago I tried to kill myself. <Mod Edit,IrishDoll:Methods> (got them prescribed to me about a week ago as antidepressants).... Eventually I just passed out on the floor. No memory of what happened leading up to this execpt for 4 empty bottles of beer and the empty bottle of pills. Woke up puking everywhere, feeling really dazed and out of it. From what I was reading about them, by all rights I should have slipped into a coma. I wish I had of, wouldn't be here right now....
Tonight, I walked down the train tracks just outside of town, stood right there within a foot of a roaring train, watching it whistle by me, just trying to get the nerve to throw myself under the wheels as it was going by.
As for seeing my doctor or a councilor, as from my experience all of them ive been to really couldnt give a crap about thier patients. There just there to get there nice little paycheck and go home to thier perfect wife and perfect kids, driving a nice car with a large circle of friends. Im sure theres some that arnt like this, that DO care, but Ive never been fortunate enough to deal with them.
I cant honestly think of anything I want to live for. There's not too much good left. The ONLY thing somewhat keeping me going was my now ex-girlfriend, because I knew she would be the only person who would care if I died. Now she's gone out of my life too.
I'm in constant physical and mental pain 24 hours a day. My ribs fractured about 5 years ago, I got hit by a car. Didn't realize for another year... They decided it would be riskier to operate them than to just leave them alone, so thats how it went down. They dont bother me exept for getting punched in the chest. Or the odd lump that it created (interesting post-sex topic LOL) and that and the depression were on my record. That and a blemish on my criminal record-- got drunk last year and had the stupid idea to go carhopping. All of this and I can kiss my planned-out future military career goodbye.
Last edited by a moderator: