please. help. me.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by that_dude, Feb 23, 2010.

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  1. that_dude

    that_dude New Member

    hi. This might be a little long-winded
    I've started seeing councilor but there not helping very much.
    Last few weeks Ive been struggling to keep myself alive. I just don't want to live anymore. I've been cutting more and more everyday. I'm afraid one of these days I might find the courage to end it. Life for me the last several years has been very tough. I watched my best friend get shot in front of me, I got 64 hours of community service for something i didn't even do, My family, well i could say its fallen apart but that would be putting it lightly. my parents are splitting up, im about to be thrown out on my own with no cash, no job, nobody to turn to, nowhere to live except the cab of my beaten pickup truck, I'm fed up with living right now. Its too much emotional pain to handle. Yesterday I punched my locker hard enough to put dents in it and shattered my middle knuckle on my right hand... I've lost most of my will to keep going.

    A few nights ago I tried to kill myself. <Mod Edit,IrishDoll:Methods> (got them prescribed to me about a week ago as antidepressants).... Eventually I just passed out on the floor. No memory of what happened leading up to this execpt for 4 empty bottles of beer and the empty bottle of pills. Woke up puking everywhere, feeling really dazed and out of it. From what I was reading about them, by all rights I should have slipped into a coma. I wish I had of, wouldn't be here right now....

    Tonight, I walked down the train tracks just outside of town, stood right there within a foot of a roaring train, watching it whistle by me, just trying to get the nerve to throw myself under the wheels as it was going by.

    As for seeing my doctor or a councilor, as from my experience all of them ive been to really couldnt give a crap about thier patients. There just there to get there nice little paycheck and go home to thier perfect wife and perfect kids, driving a nice car with a large circle of friends. Im sure theres some that arnt like this, that DO care, but Ive never been fortunate enough to deal with them.

    I cant honestly think of anything I want to live for. There's not too much good left. The ONLY thing somewhat keeping me going was my now ex-girlfriend, because I knew she would be the only person who would care if I died. Now she's gone out of my life too.

    I'm in constant physical and mental pain 24 hours a day. My ribs fractured about 5 years ago, I got hit by a car. Didn't realize for another year... They decided it would be riskier to operate them than to just leave them alone, so thats how it went down. They dont bother me exept for getting punched in the chest. Or the odd lump that it created (interesting post-sex topic LOL) and that and the depression were on my record. That and a blemish on my criminal record-- got drunk last year and had the stupid idea to go carhopping. All of this and I can kiss my planned-out future military career goodbye.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 23, 2010
  2. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    People just do their job. As long as they are getting paid they will attempt to do it. However, most therapists and doctors live perfect lives. So none really understand what it is like to be suicidal. Most will just write you off... hence why I don't see any.

    As far as your plans for a military career. I would still give it a chance. You may not be able to get into the military right away. But if you can get a college degree they will take you. The military will almost never turn down someone who is educated. Plus the military takes far more deranged sociopaths than someone who is depressed. Hell if anything that might get you out on the front lines faster.

    I am right there with you. I am just waiting for the courage to end my life as well. However, I find that sometimes a distraction can keep your mind off of wanting to die.
  3. that_dude

    that_dude New Member

    well how do you keep yourself distracted? Any day now I'm going to try to end it again... And this time it'll work
  4. fmsquash

    fmsquash New Member

    Try and keep you spirits up. I know it's hard. If you are looking for help finding work I might be able to help. I worked in career development at several different colleges and I've counseled many people who are in you exact situation. It can be tough, but believe me when I tell you that your friend who died would not want you to commit suicide and that there are always ways, no matter what you background, to find a meaningful career. Send me a message if you want to chat further...
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