Please No More Bad Memories

[Here Then Gone]

One of the joys of life, at least my life it seems is making more new bad memories that stick with me and remain in my head indefinitely. No, it's not all bad as some good memories are once and a while sprinkled in to combat the bad, but there are many terrible memories I have in my head that seem to far outnumber the good. Because of such, I usually have this feeling of dread that anything I get involved with or are currently involved with is just going to end badly, and I get anxiety waiting for that inevitable downfall. I also have bad nightmares sometimes of things that happened either currently or a long time ago, and I really do not wish to live or nightmare about this stuff inevitably.

There are a lot of people and things in my life I wish I would have never met; And many of these relationships either social, family, or work that have gone sour have left me with no benefit whatsoever, just a recurring bad memory in my head that leads to nothing good. I do not wish to be full of hate or disappointment from these experiences, and try as I might even though I'm much better at it now it still eats at me sometimes. I've even gotten to the point now where when something bad happens, I've prepared myself mentally to be ready for the next couple months at least to be full of nightmares when I sleep or reoccurring angry thoughts during the day when something reminds me of it. Time does not heal all wounds, in fact sometimes they get worse.

And could some of this be me? Sure. I usually go over things in my head a thousand times to think about how or if it could have been different. I have very low tolerance for those people who selfishly or carelessly hurt others or myself. When I see someone hurting someone in life or in the workplace, I act on it, but sometimes it comes at a price.

The band Gin Blossoms has an album called, "New Miserable Experience" and I get it, I really do. It's a great album btw. But with all the bad memories I already have and the ones I'm guaranteed to have in the future, like loved ones passing, or getting older, failed relationships/projects/jobs I really do not want anymore. And from my experience in life, it just goes with the territory; The message is in life you are guaranteed bad memories or pain depending on who you are, but not necessarily guaranteed joy or fulfillment.

 

[Oizys Moros]

I usually have this feeling of dread that anything I get involved with or are currently involved with is just going to end badly,

This feeling of dread may be common. It seems like we avoid good or sabotage it because we’ve already made up in our mind that at some point it will go to sh💩ts anyways.

I also have bad nightmares sometimes of things that happened either currently or a long time ago, and I really do not wish to live or nightmare about this stuff inevitably.

this really sucks. If you find a remedy, please share. I watch the news and have constant imagery of the harm people endure. It affects my mood and ADLs.

a recurring bad memory in my head that leads to nothing good. I do not wish to be full of hate or disappointment from these experiences

Can you try to recall anything positive from the encounter that you can focus on instead? Also maybe look at it from a different perspective - “experiencing the bad caused me to be more reserved with people” or “ the bad experience caused me to examine myself, my values and beliefs in a more in depth manner “ or “ it taught me how to see warning signs of people who may selfishly or carelessly hurt people “

I periodically look up dream interpretations from more than one source and on occasion have found that what I viewed as negative was interpreted in a more positive light. For instance, being surrounded by serpents can symbolize transformation, healing, and personal growth. Different cultures sometimes yield different interpretations.

I hope that you find relief from thoughts and nightmares that haunt you.

 

[Here Then Gone]

Can you try to recall anything positive from the encounter that you can focus on instead?

The positive is knowing I did the right thing under fire, grew a little more in tolerance every time, and I have no regrets. I dealt with it in the right way, through the proper channels, and not by drowning myself in substance abuse or going directly to suicidal thought like I would've in the past. The problem is, consequences don't care about any of that. They don't care about paychecks, or financial/mental stability, they don't care about how you suffered or how hard you tried. They don't care how others will view what you did negatively because they don't really care about the truth, just their version of it.

Most of my bad experiences have had the silver lining of 'But you tried your best and did the right thing' but that doesn't necessarily lead to happiness or fulfillment. As far as the nightmares go, I've learned not to trust or take seriously anything that comes out of my head while I sleep because it's often not an accurate portrayal of what really happened, just a distorted hellish version of what part of my mind manufactures for some reason. I don't take it as reality, and usually have to reassure myself of that for the first couple minutes of being awake.

A quote from Steve Vai, "Life is a series of problems with rest spots. And success is measured by how well you deal with these problems." and I would agree with that. But after a while I just begin to get tired and wonder is there really any real point in going through this vicious cycle over and over again, just to get older and watch everything rust? Besides living for others and just being flat out afraid of going through another failed attempt and everything bad that comes with that, I don't see it.