Please will you read my problems... I feel really alone. I'm homeless and unloved...
God, it's so hard to know how to start a rant... okay, erm...
You see, it started off so well. I had the best summer of my life, made a load of friends and I was finally feeling better. But then...
A week after my birthday in September, I got kicked out of my house. The reason for this is because my step mother couldn't stand how depressing I was to live with. I've been struggling with anxiety since the age of 11,due to having a paranoid schizophrenic mother; and I've found it really hard to stay in my house because of all the memories I've had there and so I'm too scared to leave my room. Because of that and my hypersensitivity my step mother kept threatening to leave my dad, stating that she couldn't live with someone like me. This really upset my dad because of how scared he was about being alone, so we all thought it was for the best if I left.
So I went to stay with my friend. Now, my friend seemed like a really nice guy, letting me stay in his place. Though, he liked to guilt trip me a lot, getting money of me and getting really angry when I left his flat, or stayed over at a friends. Through the course of living there, I found it really hard to concentrate on things and kept losing important items, wondering off places and not knowing how I got there, going places and forgetting WHY I was going there, it got very very frustrating. Then, one night, something happened which made me feel really uncomfortable. Every night, my friend would have really late night parties, getting drunk with a diversity of ages (14-50 and bear in mind, he's 20). He got so drunk once that he joked around about me erm, pardon my language, sucking him off in the toilets. I shrugged it off as a joke at the time, but as time went on he kept going on and on about it and eventually shoved me into the bathroom, blocked the way so I couldn't get out and started begging me to do it. He kept persisting and tried to take my hand to put it on his crotch area and I kept refusing him. Eventually he let me out of the toilet, but at night he kept rubbing his crotch against me while I was sleeping and urgh...
This disturbed me, so I told my closet friend about it and I told him not to tell anyone. He said I can stay at his place until I find my own place (which I'm really working on) and he won't tell anyone if he doesn't want me to but does want to let some friends of his who go to that guy's place know that he's not all that good of a guy. I was reluctant, but I agreed, but I wanted to be there while he said it. I then found out that he went and told his mate (Let's call him R) about it the next day, and R spread around that I said that guy RAPED me. I was so angry..
R just kept spreading loads and loads of crap about me. I had people I didn't know coming up to me and saying "Don't talk about me behind my back!" and "I've heard you've been bitching about me." It's all completely unfair, because I never said any of the extremes they did. I've gotten frustrated about people, yes, and have said things about people when they annoy me, but ALL of my friends do it too and even more than I ever did and they didn't get ANY of this crap. Eventually people just kept going on about how I'm a bitch and twisting everything I do and just kept going on about how they don't want to invite me to anything anymore and making sure I'm not invited (even boycotting when I'm actually invited...)... it really hurts. I've really tried with my friends, I've tried to be there for them when they've needed me, I've bought them loads of things (DVD's, food, etc..) and stuck up for them... even the friend I'm staying at (who lives with his mother), is getting annoyed at me...
I just get so sensitive, I take everything personally and I don't mean to, I just do... I can't strop being so depressed and down. Now I've lost the support of my family AND my friends (who meant the absolute world to me...). I've made mistakes and done stupid things, yes... but so have all of them. Yet I'm the one that want rid of... I seriously think a better me is a dead me. If no one can deal with me, then I must be a bad person.
I really really want to die, I've been to the hospital about my suicidal thoughts loads in the past few weeks, but they just take me to that fucking psychiatric team who just talk to me and tell me to go away. It really hurts...
I just feel so alone...
God, it's so hard to know how to start a rant... okay, erm...
You see, it started off so well. I had the best summer of my life, made a load of friends and I was finally feeling better. But then...
A week after my birthday in September, I got kicked out of my house. The reason for this is because my step mother couldn't stand how depressing I was to live with. I've been struggling with anxiety since the age of 11,due to having a paranoid schizophrenic mother; and I've found it really hard to stay in my house because of all the memories I've had there and so I'm too scared to leave my room. Because of that and my hypersensitivity my step mother kept threatening to leave my dad, stating that she couldn't live with someone like me. This really upset my dad because of how scared he was about being alone, so we all thought it was for the best if I left.
So I went to stay with my friend. Now, my friend seemed like a really nice guy, letting me stay in his place. Though, he liked to guilt trip me a lot, getting money of me and getting really angry when I left his flat, or stayed over at a friends. Through the course of living there, I found it really hard to concentrate on things and kept losing important items, wondering off places and not knowing how I got there, going places and forgetting WHY I was going there, it got very very frustrating. Then, one night, something happened which made me feel really uncomfortable. Every night, my friend would have really late night parties, getting drunk with a diversity of ages (14-50 and bear in mind, he's 20). He got so drunk once that he joked around about me erm, pardon my language, sucking him off in the toilets. I shrugged it off as a joke at the time, but as time went on he kept going on and on about it and eventually shoved me into the bathroom, blocked the way so I couldn't get out and started begging me to do it. He kept persisting and tried to take my hand to put it on his crotch area and I kept refusing him. Eventually he let me out of the toilet, but at night he kept rubbing his crotch against me while I was sleeping and urgh...
This disturbed me, so I told my closet friend about it and I told him not to tell anyone. He said I can stay at his place until I find my own place (which I'm really working on) and he won't tell anyone if he doesn't want me to but does want to let some friends of his who go to that guy's place know that he's not all that good of a guy. I was reluctant, but I agreed, but I wanted to be there while he said it. I then found out that he went and told his mate (Let's call him R) about it the next day, and R spread around that I said that guy RAPED me. I was so angry..
R just kept spreading loads and loads of crap about me. I had people I didn't know coming up to me and saying "Don't talk about me behind my back!" and "I've heard you've been bitching about me." It's all completely unfair, because I never said any of the extremes they did. I've gotten frustrated about people, yes, and have said things about people when they annoy me, but ALL of my friends do it too and even more than I ever did and they didn't get ANY of this crap. Eventually people just kept going on about how I'm a bitch and twisting everything I do and just kept going on about how they don't want to invite me to anything anymore and making sure I'm not invited (even boycotting when I'm actually invited...)... it really hurts. I've really tried with my friends, I've tried to be there for them when they've needed me, I've bought them loads of things (DVD's, food, etc..) and stuck up for them... even the friend I'm staying at (who lives with his mother), is getting annoyed at me...
I just get so sensitive, I take everything personally and I don't mean to, I just do... I can't strop being so depressed and down. Now I've lost the support of my family AND my friends (who meant the absolute world to me...). I've made mistakes and done stupid things, yes... but so have all of them. Yet I'm the one that want rid of... I seriously think a better me is a dead me. If no one can deal with me, then I must be a bad person.
I really really want to die, I've been to the hospital about my suicidal thoughts loads in the past few weeks, but they just take me to that fucking psychiatric team who just talk to me and tell me to go away. It really hurts...I just feel so alone...
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