Hi guys
So, since my last post I've been signed off work for two weeks. Many emotions flying about surrounding that but that's not my problem right now. Yesterday my father text me and told me I'm going to be an Auntie in March. Yup, my horrible sister is pregnant.
I'm feeling very glad I'm off right now as the emotions and thoughts I've got inside me right now would be too much to handle at work. The timing is pretty good in that sense. I feel a sibling rivalry of course, I'm the eldest, I wanted to have the first kid, even if my parents and sister wouldn't be allowed near. My nan, the only person of my blood that loves me, will be so happy to have a grandchild, her first, but she'll be disappointed it's not me giving her that, she calls me her baby, i know she thought and wanted me to be the first. She won't love me any less and she'll never admit it to me but I know she wanted her first grandbaby to be my child. I don't want her disappointed. And if it's a boy I'll be so jealous, I'll admit it. Myself and the husband might not even have kids at this rate, the world is sick and not the place for anyone to grow up in. The future is bleak, markets are crashing and the deadliest war known to man, the next mass extinction, is always on the horizon. But if we could we'd love a boy. We just love him enough before he even exists to put him through the future he'd have. Unless we win the lottery anytime soon I wouldn't want this life for my children. This world where twitter decides if nuclear bombs will be dropped on Yemen today or whatever.
If you've read 'My Story' you'll know my mother raised me with unending emotional and mental abuse and she groomed my sister to be my bully. My mother is vile and twisted, a liar, a bully. My sister is selfish, childish, stupid. She lives with my parents with her fiance, who have already broken up and got back together once (that's just what I know of). They have no home of their own and no real money (due to being incredibly dim), which means my parents will of course be paying for everything. Jealously kicks in, they'd never do that for me.
I know the terrible person my mother is. I know she's not fit to be around children. She's so vile, I wouldn't leave her alone with a baby for five minutes in case she would do something nasty, like pinch bare skin, or bend fingers the wrong way. Not enough to cause lasting physical damage but enough to make a baby cry, and the emotional and mental upbringing that kid has in front of it will be awful.
I want to end my life every single day and it all stems from my abusive childhood. I'm depressed, stressed, unable to cope with difficult situations, I had a serious eating disorder, I used to harm myself, I hate myself and most other people, I trust barely anybody, I can't handle criticism very well. I doubt myself all of the time, about everything, from investments to making a cup of tea, all because of her, my abusive mother. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. And I know I didn't suffer like many other children have, i don't pretend to or wish to take away from anyone who did, with daily sexual abuse or beatings or anything, but it was still my own little hell.
My question is this. Knowing all this, and having my life so affected by that horrible person, have I a duty to inform social services or the police about the abuse, now there's a baby coming? I could easily see in 10 months time on the news that my mother or sister had smothered the baby or find out in 2 weeks even that my mother 'accidently' pushed my sister down the stairs. I don't care for my sister very much but I can't avoid the fact that she's my sister and is carrying her first child, a fragile unborn baby, my futurn niece or nephew. If the baby is harmed or is brought up like me, in that house with my mother and ends up killing themselves like I tried to when I was living there, will I be partly responsible if I don't speak out now? I don't want to see a child die because I didn't speak up. Even if my speaking out doesn't come to anything, at least I could say I tried right? And then the police or social would have a record of it, in case, say, the baby did turn up smothered, they might see that report and think, hmm, let's check out the mother, and then look at my mother more closely and see that it was her.
What do I do?
So, since my last post I've been signed off work for two weeks. Many emotions flying about surrounding that but that's not my problem right now. Yesterday my father text me and told me I'm going to be an Auntie in March. Yup, my horrible sister is pregnant.
I'm feeling very glad I'm off right now as the emotions and thoughts I've got inside me right now would be too much to handle at work. The timing is pretty good in that sense. I feel a sibling rivalry of course, I'm the eldest, I wanted to have the first kid, even if my parents and sister wouldn't be allowed near. My nan, the only person of my blood that loves me, will be so happy to have a grandchild, her first, but she'll be disappointed it's not me giving her that, she calls me her baby, i know she thought and wanted me to be the first. She won't love me any less and she'll never admit it to me but I know she wanted her first grandbaby to be my child. I don't want her disappointed. And if it's a boy I'll be so jealous, I'll admit it. Myself and the husband might not even have kids at this rate, the world is sick and not the place for anyone to grow up in. The future is bleak, markets are crashing and the deadliest war known to man, the next mass extinction, is always on the horizon. But if we could we'd love a boy. We just love him enough before he even exists to put him through the future he'd have. Unless we win the lottery anytime soon I wouldn't want this life for my children. This world where twitter decides if nuclear bombs will be dropped on Yemen today or whatever.
If you've read 'My Story' you'll know my mother raised me with unending emotional and mental abuse and she groomed my sister to be my bully. My mother is vile and twisted, a liar, a bully. My sister is selfish, childish, stupid. She lives with my parents with her fiance, who have already broken up and got back together once (that's just what I know of). They have no home of their own and no real money (due to being incredibly dim), which means my parents will of course be paying for everything. Jealously kicks in, they'd never do that for me.
I know the terrible person my mother is. I know she's not fit to be around children. She's so vile, I wouldn't leave her alone with a baby for five minutes in case she would do something nasty, like pinch bare skin, or bend fingers the wrong way. Not enough to cause lasting physical damage but enough to make a baby cry, and the emotional and mental upbringing that kid has in front of it will be awful.
I want to end my life every single day and it all stems from my abusive childhood. I'm depressed, stressed, unable to cope with difficult situations, I had a serious eating disorder, I used to harm myself, I hate myself and most other people, I trust barely anybody, I can't handle criticism very well. I doubt myself all of the time, about everything, from investments to making a cup of tea, all because of her, my abusive mother. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. And I know I didn't suffer like many other children have, i don't pretend to or wish to take away from anyone who did, with daily sexual abuse or beatings or anything, but it was still my own little hell.
My question is this. Knowing all this, and having my life so affected by that horrible person, have I a duty to inform social services or the police about the abuse, now there's a baby coming? I could easily see in 10 months time on the news that my mother or sister had smothered the baby or find out in 2 weeks even that my mother 'accidently' pushed my sister down the stairs. I don't care for my sister very much but I can't avoid the fact that she's my sister and is carrying her first child, a fragile unborn baby, my futurn niece or nephew. If the baby is harmed or is brought up like me, in that house with my mother and ends up killing themselves like I tried to when I was living there, will I be partly responsible if I don't speak out now? I don't want to see a child die because I didn't speak up. Even if my speaking out doesn't come to anything, at least I could say I tried right? And then the police or social would have a record of it, in case, say, the baby did turn up smothered, they might see that report and think, hmm, let's check out the mother, and then look at my mother more closely and see that it was her.
What do I do?
