Just trying to think of how the f*ck I am supposed to process the past 2 days, I just walked out of work mid- shift, simply saying 'i cant cope with this right now!' and I left 
- bad move! too many people in there....it feels like my life is yet again in the eyes of everyone elses but my own, so roll back...
started diary pros, cons, ...been a really bad week since he got taken, so I was determined to get to the bank, sort out bank card...
I didnt go straight away because I needed to know that I had tried to find more information out, so rang the embassy, explained siuation, was put through to consulate, felt like I was on hold forever, first kick in the teeth - my husband hadn't given permission for information to be released - to me HIS F*CKING WIFE! so all they could give me was generic information sympathetically enough and pass on that I had asked for an update, well that sent my brain spinning to begin with! he doesnt love me, he cant, can he?- right, think , you need to sort the bank...
Went to said bank, couldnt communicate what I wanted, luckily something in my brain told me to take all my paperwork with me, so they opened me a new account - which now after taking the papers to work for a spanish speaker to check transpires is the wrong kind of account - cue me going back to the bank trying again to sort it and having a total meltdown, left crying, shaking just generally f*cked up anxiety through the roof...
Walking along in a fu*king state a man who I have been serving at work for months saw me, stopped me and took me to sit down, got me a glass of water and I ended up spilling all this shit out onto him - he was lovely, said I needed to write down what I needed to do, Its easier to work things out if they are written down then you can have a plan and get the help you need from your friends, roll on breakdown number 2 - this time explaining I don't have anybody here, he offered to wait for me after work come home and help me, I was so greatful - finally some help! In alot of ways his wisdom reminds me of my dad, I wish he was still here he would sort all this shit out! - anyway said I needed to pull myself together come home, paint my face on, get ready for work, and I would see him later.
Go to work, not far from the end of my shift he comes in, gives us a hug and tells me not to worry, he has a daughter around my age, he wants to help me as he would her! so finish work, its a 20 minute walk home, was telling him how greatful I am for his help, stopped at the shop picked up a bottle of wine, got home, got out my notepad, now I know I got it out, its my unicorn book, I always write important things in there, now this was only around 11pm, I finish work at ten, poured a glass of wine...now this is where it gets f*cked up, I have no list in my unicorn book, no pros,cons, need to dos, urgent things - nothing! I remember pouring the wine, the next is a blurred mess I remember vaguely waking up, he was on top of me, I remember him saying shhhh your having a bad dream, its ok go back to sleep....the next thing its 2pm the next day, yesterday, I havent slept that long in a long time, but I am so confused, I am in bed,have my sleep shirt on, nothing else, I dont remember going to bed, now I moved my bed in the living room so I am in one room as it feels safer for me, check my phone, a text saying ' I left you sleeping, I didnt want to disturb you, sleep well' - mind well f*cked by this point, no lists, no nothing, now its so blurred, foggy, instinct told me to go for a bath, I always do when I get up, now I get up, get undressed and theres bruises on both my breasts, Like big purple scratch bruises, and it doesnt stop there, I had obviously had sex, but how if I cant remember? I messaged him asking what had happened, he text back saying I seemed to be having 'some kind of an erotic nightmare and he just held me down to calm me down, he said I fell asleep after I had my wine so he helped me to bed. now non of this makes sense to me, it just doesnt, it scares the shit out of me, I didnt reply to him,and I didnt go to work either, my brains f*cked, have I cheated on my husband? how can you have sex and not know? I am so scared of myself right now, so scared, I spent all day yesterday just lying here, trying to piece it all together and I cant, its not there, its just not there.
This morning I get a call from madrid and I missed it, get another and theres no one there, get another, same thing! call number 5 its my husband, he wont tell me anything, just needs to hear I love him, he told me hes eating, sleeping, waiting to be sent back and he needs me to keep myself safe until he can come back which may be months, I tried to tell him I am so scared and I dont know what to do, I need answers, and he said he only had 17cents left on his phonecard and he would try to ring me again tommorow. So here I am, no answers, a f*cking state again, spent the day lying here, painted my face on, went to work and lasted half a shift, I cant go out tommorow, I cant get outside of my head, I dont know how to process all of this, I just want to sleep, forever, I dont want this bullsh*t, this confusion, this questions on top of questions, with no answers, the demons just keep growing, they just keep growing, I had a text earlier asking <mod edit - method> so I must have told him some of my plan, but where are my lists? where is that night gone? I am a cheat now and I dont even know how, how the f*ck ....just spiralling out of all control....
- bad move! too many people in there....it feels like my life is yet again in the eyes of everyone elses but my own, so roll back...started diary pros, cons, ...been a really bad week since he got taken, so I was determined to get to the bank, sort out bank card...
I didnt go straight away because I needed to know that I had tried to find more information out, so rang the embassy, explained siuation, was put through to consulate, felt like I was on hold forever, first kick in the teeth - my husband hadn't given permission for information to be released - to me HIS F*CKING WIFE! so all they could give me was generic information sympathetically enough and pass on that I had asked for an update, well that sent my brain spinning to begin with! he doesnt love me, he cant, can he?- right, think , you need to sort the bank...
Went to said bank, couldnt communicate what I wanted, luckily something in my brain told me to take all my paperwork with me, so they opened me a new account - which now after taking the papers to work for a spanish speaker to check transpires is the wrong kind of account - cue me going back to the bank trying again to sort it and having a total meltdown, left crying, shaking just generally f*cked up anxiety through the roof...
Walking along in a fu*king state a man who I have been serving at work for months saw me, stopped me and took me to sit down, got me a glass of water and I ended up spilling all this shit out onto him - he was lovely, said I needed to write down what I needed to do, Its easier to work things out if they are written down then you can have a plan and get the help you need from your friends, roll on breakdown number 2 - this time explaining I don't have anybody here, he offered to wait for me after work come home and help me, I was so greatful - finally some help! In alot of ways his wisdom reminds me of my dad, I wish he was still here he would sort all this shit out! - anyway said I needed to pull myself together come home, paint my face on, get ready for work, and I would see him later.
Go to work, not far from the end of my shift he comes in, gives us a hug and tells me not to worry, he has a daughter around my age, he wants to help me as he would her! so finish work, its a 20 minute walk home, was telling him how greatful I am for his help, stopped at the shop picked up a bottle of wine, got home, got out my notepad, now I know I got it out, its my unicorn book, I always write important things in there, now this was only around 11pm, I finish work at ten, poured a glass of wine...now this is where it gets f*cked up, I have no list in my unicorn book, no pros,cons, need to dos, urgent things - nothing! I remember pouring the wine, the next is a blurred mess I remember vaguely waking up, he was on top of me, I remember him saying shhhh your having a bad dream, its ok go back to sleep....the next thing its 2pm the next day, yesterday, I havent slept that long in a long time, but I am so confused, I am in bed,have my sleep shirt on, nothing else, I dont remember going to bed, now I moved my bed in the living room so I am in one room as it feels safer for me, check my phone, a text saying ' I left you sleeping, I didnt want to disturb you, sleep well' - mind well f*cked by this point, no lists, no nothing, now its so blurred, foggy, instinct told me to go for a bath, I always do when I get up, now I get up, get undressed and theres bruises on both my breasts, Like big purple scratch bruises, and it doesnt stop there, I had obviously had sex, but how if I cant remember? I messaged him asking what had happened, he text back saying I seemed to be having 'some kind of an erotic nightmare and he just held me down to calm me down, he said I fell asleep after I had my wine so he helped me to bed. now non of this makes sense to me, it just doesnt, it scares the shit out of me, I didnt reply to him,and I didnt go to work either, my brains f*cked, have I cheated on my husband? how can you have sex and not know? I am so scared of myself right now, so scared, I spent all day yesterday just lying here, trying to piece it all together and I cant, its not there, its just not there.
This morning I get a call from madrid and I missed it, get another and theres no one there, get another, same thing! call number 5 its my husband, he wont tell me anything, just needs to hear I love him, he told me hes eating, sleeping, waiting to be sent back and he needs me to keep myself safe until he can come back which may be months, I tried to tell him I am so scared and I dont know what to do, I need answers, and he said he only had 17cents left on his phonecard and he would try to ring me again tommorow. So here I am, no answers, a f*cking state again, spent the day lying here, painted my face on, went to work and lasted half a shift, I cant go out tommorow, I cant get outside of my head, I dont know how to process all of this, I just want to sleep, forever, I dont want this bullsh*t, this confusion, this questions on top of questions, with no answers, the demons just keep growing, they just keep growing, I had a text earlier asking <mod edit - method> so I must have told him some of my plan, but where are my lists? where is that night gone? I am a cheat now and I dont even know how, how the f*ck ....just spiralling out of all control....
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