Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Amybells13, Jul 21, 2016.

  1. Amybells13

    Amybells13 New Member

    I've recently been diagnosed with PTSD after a suicide attempt a few days ago that I don't remember all too clearly. I remember pain, panic and "run".
    I'm 21 years old and in my 21 years of life I have been: emotionally abused/manipulated by both my parents. My father being a pathological liar who had made me and my brother homeless twice. My mother never playing the mother role and leaning on me for support. She has also personally threatened to kill herself in front of me three times, the last she said she didn't want me at her funeral and that she was leaving everything to my brother. This came from me saying I didn't have money for her because I needed to see a doctor.
    I have experienced the death of 9 close friends and relatives (one being an actual mother figure to me).
    My brother was shot six years ago and during the time he was in ICU, I was raped at a party and wasn't able to talk about it until 3 years later when people stopped asking how my mother and he were.
    I've been assaulted a few times in my neighborhood.
    I've been in 3 condemning relationships - one with a cheating obsessive control freak, the other with a self proclaimed schizo (he had two named personalities that he alternated depending on if I upset him) and he also cheated and mentally absurd me and my last before my current now was physically violent, a cheat and somehow made me feel like I deserved it.
    Ignoring also the molestation I experienced as a child, the lack of support I received when I spoke about it and the constant feeling of not being good enough. Yeah.
    I always thought PTSD was for war veterans and natural disaster survivors but after my attempt I learnt that I tick off 6/10 of the list of causes. After being seen by a psychologist, it was confirmed that my mind was traumatized and I didn't even know it.
    In fights, I've found myself hiding under the bed and I can't even tell you why. I've had black outs where I've run away from a fight.
    I've been told that being a self made matyr has probably done a lot of the damage - always wanting to forgive, always wanting to make things right, always wanting to be there. Even when it's stupid to do so.
    But after my attempt, my boyfriend is unable to forgive me. When he was 8 years old his step father attempted suicide and it left his family in debt for years (he couldn't study after high school) and he's always hated his father for that. Also because he was an abusive alcoholic. And I feel like I'm getting the wrath of that as well. Is a symptom of a disease worth forgetting who I am? I don't know. Will be interesting to find out
  2. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    Its not fair when you are clearly in need of support. I hope you can find the strength to tell everyone that you need their support now and to save their anger or judgments for another time.

    I'm glad that you are getting help now and I feel your openness here will serve you well as you seek recovery. My very best wishes for you
  3. eye8

    eye8 Member

    I'm so sorry that you are going through a really tough time. I think that you should keep fighting. I too have PTSD but mine is from childhood sexual abuse. It is not just for vets. Please take gentle care of yourself.
  4. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    Hi, I am Mox

    If you wanted to chat, I would listen.

    I have two separate cases of PTSD myself. One from my childhood being a warzone and two from getting sick with a chronic illness.

    You have been through hell and back, I have no way of knowing your pain but it must be unbearable somedays.

    Feel free to read my story at the bottom, you are not alone in how you feel. EVERYONE hear is fighting their own demons.

    Take Care of yourself feel free to PM/IM if your more comfortable that way
  5. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    PTSD isn't just for vets. Any traumatic experience can cause it. I have been diagnosed with it from being a rape survivor and from years of childhood sexual abuse. I am so sorry for the pain that you are in. It is very unfair for people to be judgmental to you in your time of need. Here you won't come across that. Are you seeing a therapist at all? I think it would be beneficial for you to talk to someone about these issues as well as keep posting here and gaining the support of SF. Please take care.
    moxman likes this.
  6. ghostangelcake7

    ghostangelcake7 Well-Known Member

    Stay strong. I have C-PTSD see link about it:
    because I suffered all forms of abuse and traumatic instances throughout my life before I was a teen to my mid twenties where i was trapped in an abusive situation with a much older and complete alcoholic predator for almost or about 5 years (i don't really want to recall just how many years of my twenties they took, but many of it)..I can only say to keep strong, and take responsibility for your life, as I am working on fully. This can be different for anyone in ways, because I don't know all the details of your unique situation, but I know when there is a will, there is a way out, and at least you are awakened to the fact that things are not right and so you can overcome them.

    I too thought PTSD wasn't something I could ever experience, as I'm female and never experienced war, but it took me some time to awaken to what has happened and who the perpetrator of my life really was...and I am all the symptoms of PTSD except I am not violent and have no desire to be. Everything else describes me, and I avoid people and social gatherings because of it. It has made me a recluse and very distrusting and vigilant. But I am taking responsibility to my feelings, my mind, and my life outcome. Because only I am stuck with it. Good luck to you. I wish you nothing but good things to happen for you.
    moxman likes this.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi @Amybells13

    I also thought ptsd was for war victims, natural disaters, things like that but no anything that has traumatised you can lead to ptsd. You deserve to get treated, what do you think yourself is going wrong in your treatment plan? Do you like your psychologist?

    I have ptsd too so I know the score and know how badly it can affect someone. I hope you stay here with us and keep talking because talking helps and also because we do care. You are here for a reason and there is always hope! Let that light keep on shining.

    Can your boyfriend go to a community college? Was there something specific he wanted to be whilst growing up? It's sad he never got the opportunity, unfortunately neither did I because I didn't finish high school.

    You can get through this. Believe in yourself! I am always around if you need a chat (hugs)