I've recently been diagnosed with PTSD after a suicide attempt a few days ago that I don't remember all too clearly. I remember pain, panic and "run".
I'm 21 years old and in my 21 years of life I have been: emotionally abused/manipulated by both my parents. My father being a pathological liar who had made me and my brother homeless twice. My mother never playing the mother role and leaning on me for support. She has also personally threatened to kill herself in front of me three times, the last she said she didn't want me at her funeral and that she was leaving everything to my brother. This came from me saying I didn't have money for her because I needed to see a doctor.
I have experienced the death of 9 close friends and relatives (one being an actual mother figure to me).
My brother was shot six years ago and during the time he was in ICU, I was raped at a party and wasn't able to talk about it until 3 years later when people stopped asking how my mother and he were.
I've been assaulted a few times in my neighborhood.
I've been in 3 condemning relationships - one with a cheating obsessive control freak, the other with a self proclaimed schizo (he had two named personalities that he alternated depending on if I upset him) and he also cheated and mentally absurd me and my last before my current now was physically violent, a cheat and somehow made me feel like I deserved it.
Ignoring also the molestation I experienced as a child, the lack of support I received when I spoke about it and the constant feeling of not being good enough. Yeah.
I always thought PTSD was for war veterans and natural disaster survivors but after my attempt I learnt that I tick off 6/10 of the list of causes. After being seen by a psychologist, it was confirmed that my mind was traumatized and I didn't even know it.
In fights, I've found myself hiding under the bed and I can't even tell you why. I've had black outs where I've run away from a fight.
I've been told that being a self made matyr has probably done a lot of the damage - always wanting to forgive, always wanting to make things right, always wanting to be there. Even when it's stupid to do so.
But after my attempt, my boyfriend is unable to forgive me. When he was 8 years old his step father attempted suicide and it left his family in debt for years (he couldn't study after high school) and he's always hated his father for that. Also because he was an abusive alcoholic. And I feel like I'm getting the wrath of that as well. Is a symptom of a disease worth forgetting who I am? I don't know. Will be interesting to find out
I'm 21 years old and in my 21 years of life I have been: emotionally abused/manipulated by both my parents. My father being a pathological liar who had made me and my brother homeless twice. My mother never playing the mother role and leaning on me for support. She has also personally threatened to kill herself in front of me three times, the last she said she didn't want me at her funeral and that she was leaving everything to my brother. This came from me saying I didn't have money for her because I needed to see a doctor.
I have experienced the death of 9 close friends and relatives (one being an actual mother figure to me).
My brother was shot six years ago and during the time he was in ICU, I was raped at a party and wasn't able to talk about it until 3 years later when people stopped asking how my mother and he were.
I've been assaulted a few times in my neighborhood.
I've been in 3 condemning relationships - one with a cheating obsessive control freak, the other with a self proclaimed schizo (he had two named personalities that he alternated depending on if I upset him) and he also cheated and mentally absurd me and my last before my current now was physically violent, a cheat and somehow made me feel like I deserved it.
Ignoring also the molestation I experienced as a child, the lack of support I received when I spoke about it and the constant feeling of not being good enough. Yeah.
I always thought PTSD was for war veterans and natural disaster survivors but after my attempt I learnt that I tick off 6/10 of the list of causes. After being seen by a psychologist, it was confirmed that my mind was traumatized and I didn't even know it.
In fights, I've found myself hiding under the bed and I can't even tell you why. I've had black outs where I've run away from a fight.
I've been told that being a self made matyr has probably done a lot of the damage - always wanting to forgive, always wanting to make things right, always wanting to be there. Even when it's stupid to do so.
But after my attempt, my boyfriend is unable to forgive me. When he was 8 years old his step father attempted suicide and it left his family in debt for years (he couldn't study after high school) and he's always hated his father for that. Also because he was an abusive alcoholic. And I feel like I'm getting the wrath of that as well. Is a symptom of a disease worth forgetting who I am? I don't know. Will be interesting to find out
