Question for those of you who lost someone because of suicide ...

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by darius2k, Jan 17, 2013.

  1. darius2k

    darius2k New Member

    Hello all,

    For those of you who lost someone (especially a child) because of suicide, I wanted to ask you... is there anything they could've left behind to make it easier on you? I am about to commit suicide myself, and I still have two living parents (along with a friend or two) who I know care about me very much. Based on this site and others, I can see that this would have a very negative effect on them, which is the only reason why I have stuck around this long. But even this isn't enough of a reason for me to keep hanging around, so I want to try and make it as painless for them as I can. First, some background on me (because I know some of you will want to know):

    I am in my late 30's, and live alone. My parents (who are divorced) both live far away; I see them once or twice a year, talk with them periodically on the phone, and have a good relationship with them. I have a few friends, but none that are really close by, so I don't see them all that often. I don't really have any problems to speak of. I am not in any severe emotional pain. I have not been traumatized by loss of a relationship or loved one. I have a decent job, and over $10,000 in savings. As far as I know, I do not suffer from deep depression. Besides being visually impaired (and so not able to drive very far), my health is pretty good, even though I'm about 20lbs overweight.

    But I am just... bored, and have been for many, many years. I go to work every day, and I come home, five days a week. My evenings mainly consist of coming home, mindlessly browsing the web, jerking off, and going to bed, just because I can't think of anything better to do. Hell, TV doesn't even interest me. On the weekends, I do much of the same, just waiting for MOnday to come back around, so I can repeat the process all over again. I've tried various hobbies, but quickly lose interest. I don't have anywhere in particular that I would like to go. If I did, I'd have to take the bus, which would be a PITA anyway :p

    Basically, I lead a pointless existence, no drive or desire to do much of anything. To me, life is like one of those movies you go to, where you realize 10 minutes in that it's going to suck, and so you just sit and wait for it to be over. And that's what I'm doing... just waiting for it to be over. I've been doing this for pretty much my entire adult life - 'holding on for one more day' for as long as I can remember. I guess having a girlfriend would be nice, but seriously... would you want to date a guy like me? LOL! Even if I did manage to find someone who would, she would probably have to be desperate, and so I would not respect her for it. You might be tempted to ask, 'Is there anything you want to accomplish? A mark you would like to leave behind?' Sorry, but the answer is no. If I could do anything I wanted, besides having an orgy with a group of Asian hotties, I'd probably just sit here, just like I always do.

    All that said, I've already typed up a suicide note, basically explaining what I said above, and letting everyone know that I am bitter towards noone, and as far as I'm concerned, there is nothing that anyone could've or should've done, and I know that they love me. People say that suicide is a selfish act, because it hurts others that you leave behind. But how selfish is it to want to have someone keep living, if for no other reason than so you won't feel bad after they're gone. Well, sorry... I know it might suck for some, but I'm ready to check out.

    Some people also say that those who wish to commit suicide don't want to die, they just want the pain to go away. That does not really describe me. Even if I won the f**king lottery, I don't think it would matter. I have no interest in money or material posessions; I have no interest in anything. I guess I could 'talk to someone', but I really have nothing to say. If I did have some sort of mental illness where medication could make life not seem like the equivalent of watching paint dry, I don't want to be one of these people who have to pop pills just to make it through the day. What would be the point of that? Would you take pills just to make a crappy movie not seem so, or would you just head for the exit?

    I dunno... would it have made any of you feel better to know that your loved one was tired of life and just didn't want to live anymore? Would their sincereist wish to die not mean anything to you? Would you be happy knowing that the only reason why they haven't killed themselves is because of what it might do to you, and so you are indirectly the cause of their suffering? (Of course, I would never say directly to them... just asking the question here.)

    (Mods/admins - feel free to move as appropriate)
  2. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    You asked, so I will answer honestly and with expert opinion, since I AM a parent who's child died by suicide.

    NOTHING left behind could matter. There isn't anything that could ever have made this any easier. You want to talk about many lives ended after? This incident changed my life incredibly. It changed that of my wife, my own parents (his grand parents), and my other two son's.

    When my father passed away last year, he was very ill and he was calling out for my son. He was about to die and he thought he had my son with him in the same room... my son who was already gone. What a horrible thing for a grand parent to have to experience.

    My heart died when my son did.
    My life became empty and now 100% of everything that I do is dedicated to his memory. I have a sort of shrine to him in my living room - a huge glass case with his favorite guitars in it, and other items. His old bedroom remains a room dedicated to him. I contract artists to paint images of him, which we use when we go out educating teens and the community about suicide prevention. I quit what I was doing as a career, for the most part, and went to work for a hospital and the state, where I meet with families who have kids and teens who are experiencing depression. The money that I make from that goes directly into my son's foundation, which works aggressively to educate suicide prevention. I appear on television, on the news, in newspapers... telling my story and talking about hope and awareness and prevention. I am a key note speaker at a large university next month, discussing suicide to staff and students at a large assembly for mental health awareness. I sit on councils with city leaders and work toward inspiring our leaders to do more to help with mental health treatment and suicide prevention.

    When my son passed away, the response to his death from police, ambulance, fire department, animal control, hazmat, and other emergency responders, created bills for me that totalled over ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS. My home owner insurance covered most of that. Now I have some issues with my roof and I'm afraid to ask my insurance company for help with repairs because I know how much I've cost them already.

    My mother and I no longer speak. She is dying and has been placed into an assisted care home. The rift this created in our family created (too hard to explain) a separation that my mom and I cannot come to terms with. I'll never speak to her again and she will soon pass away. Prior to losing my son, my mom and I were very close and we talked by phone every day. I am 50 and she is in her 80's.

    When someone asks me something like what you have asked, I can only be honest and tell them what my son's suicide did to my entire family. Some may say, "You will get over it," but they are wrong and they have never lived through this. We will never get over this. I should note that prior to my son's suicide, I led a wonderful life and had a great career, nice home, happy family, pets, toys, sports cars... Life was grand. I look back now at that and it means nothing.

    Nothing you leave behind can change what will be left when you are gone.
  3. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    nothing makes it easier.. I just wish my parents wouldn't have got rid of the majority of my siblings things.. all I have left of him is one of his stuffed animals..
  4. Hurtnsad

    Hurtnsad New Member

    All I can say after losing a mate to suicide and finding him there hanging is do not do it . It hurts the people left behind so so much. It has destroyed my life, changed me forever. I still see him in my mind hanging . Makes me so sad . <Mod Edit, WildCherry> It will kill your parents if u do it. I am left behind . I know what it feels like. Please do not do it to your parents.
  5. _Lily_

    _Lily_ Forum Buddy

    I lost my dad to suicide nothing makes it easier at all
    me and my family is left devastated by my dad lost ...we are left to pick up the pieces of what happened...nothing prepares you for something like that ...
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    NO we do not move on we do not forget we suffer with guilt and pain and sadness what ifs kill us you see when someone suicides they not only take their life the take the lives of the ones left behind Our lives are never the same never i will never forgive me for not being there for not seeing There is nothing you can do to make suicide right hun nothing
  7. Darious I don't see anymore posts from you I hope your ok, if so check in.

    i agree with the others. It probably would not have made one difference if my sister explained exactly why she did it. What matters now is a young son left behind, a wounded ex-husband. A very old Father that has the remaining years of his life destroyed, a sister who was the last family to speak to her carrying tremendous guilt and pain. My spiritual and emotional innocence has been robbed from me. So yea the suicidal person thinks that the living should not feel guilt for the suicidal person's unhappiness... flip that and that's exactly how we feel. In your mind it's one man down and 10 standing, from my perspective like a bowling ball you take us all out with you and place us in constant misery. Your one life taken also takes many others with it. So please think of it that way.