rant

[3nufk1n.sheepies]

These phases of obsessing that I am something I do not want to be - higher extraverted sensation and extraverted feeling in Jungian mbti terms, enneagram three, enneagram two, religious, Karen, fat, and so forth. What all these labels have in common is that they are the opposite of traits in others that make me jealous.

+ the increased black and white thinking and wrong assumptions that come with it is embarrassing

I was so dependent on my brothers' opinions, we related to each other so much and agreed with each other so much, so for him to embody ideal self traits (reclusive, cynical, doesn't eat a lot) more and more with time while simultaneously talking down to me undermining something that meant everything to me, no wonder I felt so lost and miserable without him, not the way he is now but the memories I had of him in the past.
He was a soulmate pretty much. For him to just be "mean " to me like that (not objectively mean at all, but mean to me because something that meant the world to me had been shredded apart) was heartbreaking.

the fact I was so clingy/codependent towards him gives me gender dysphoria.

to be out in public and see young men with curly hair, being witty talking about noclipping out of reality etc, meanwhile I'm the girl with thin flat hair and old men are making sex jokes att me, it is so painful

Being stuck indoors all day is very boring, so is being limited to certain locations (because further afield strangers will harass you) if you do leave the house, so I leave the house, but its so triggering.

get the Snufkin look =
pale, skinny (but not skeletal), thick hair with a hat, baggy clothes, rational and sToIc,, passes as a male but is not macho touch (but doesnt look like a woman or a child too much either))

Imagine how nice it would be if chatGPT was accessible on older devices and didnt have such cringe ugly vocabulary

going on youtube and pinterest, looking at everyones different tastes etc, its so triggering. I feel as thouhg mine will always be shittier uglier behind the times etc in comparison no matter how hard i try

other people being more and more hyperindividualistic and more minimalistic and more robotic/logical is triggering. I feel so inferior in comparison.
other people thinking outside of the box is trggering.
the standards just get higher and higher expontentially beyond my control

everyone is getting HIGHER ON WEED than I am
everyone is getting MORE OUT OF TOUCH WITH REALITY than I am
everyone is getting MORE INTROVERTED than I am
everyone is getting MORE WITTY AND CYNICAL AND NON-EMPATHY than I am
i hate it
really fucking hate it
MORE AND MORE PEOPLE SEE ME AS A SEX OBJECT
this is unbearable

 

[3nufk1n.sheepies]

everyone else is in as much pain as I am (if they werent in so much pain they wouldnt feel such a need to want to block it out with drugs, internet, etc which causes unreality which therefore makes them more intuitive Ideal self than I am) but i am the only one that makes a fucking song and dance about it (the way I dont want to be)

 

[3nufk1n.sheepies]

Journalling no longer feels cathartic any more, not to the extent it used to
my aunt is rarely available, she's often busy at work and even when she isn't she often needs to rest

I take solace in identifying with Snufkin (i project my pain onto this lad by assuming he is transgender, autistic and unemployed as well, which he probably is) but at the same time it's so "younger self" of me to do such a thing (the more I identify as Snufkin the more I'll get treat like everything I do not want to be)

riding my bike doesn't feel good anymore.
listening to music doesn't feel good anymore.

stuff I like
adidas, mint green, raccoons, burberry, bucket hats, iPhone 5's, old video games, vaguely interested in maths/history/philosophy/psychology but more casual autodidacism that is massively replaced by venting to the internet, cycling

I don't know how exactly to articulate it, but it's just people in general are getting less and less human, and I'm jealous.

long winded BAD
makes logical fallacies while speaking BAD
barges past people BAD
can't regulate their emotions BAD

 

[3nufk1n.sheepies]

adults see me as "not like the other boys" "authentic" eg (brainwashed by outdated stereotypes from whatever media they grew up with0
young peolpe see me as "tries to look *weird* *apoxian* *robot* (wtf the fuck it s) just for sex"

 

[3nufk1n.sheepies]

someitmes i get this vague feeling of dread, impending doom

I'm going to die in a very painful way. And have a very bad afterlife.
the more I talk about the afterlife the more I'll get labelled as irrational.

old peoples' idea of different kinds of people is different from young peoples' idea of different kinds of people.
the latter generally have a more favourable view, the former generally have a less favourable view.
the latter think the former are dumb and vice versa.

 

[3nufk1n.sheepies]

i want my typenouns changed

into the personality change clinic i go

translated into typese
LESS ese, see, eie MORE lii, ili, ile, sli, sei, esi
LESS sp2 sx2 sx3 sp6 sx9 MORE sp3 sp5 so6 sp7 sx8 sp9

MAKE ME MORE THE WAY I WANT TO BE

 

[3nufk1n.sheepies]

MY STYLE
<copy and paste?>>>>>>>
adidas, mint green, raccoons, burberry, bucket hats, iPhone 5's, old video games, cycling

I see that (or i would like to believe) "a young man just asserting his preferences"
the world sees that as "larping as the opposite of themselves just to be fucked"

 

[3nufk1n.sheepies]

People such as my social worker "we see you as a male" "we think you are highly intelligent" and thinking that the nerdy looking argyle sweater is appropriate for myself, it doesn't help. These people are much older than I am. Their ideas about how different people with different personalities should be are outdated.

the """intellect""" (dead in today's anti-intellectualism world) is just an outward facade
the "inner" core, thte essence that actually defines it, the bare cognition and motivations (very tuned into senses, wants to be liked))= undeisrable), evident in my behaviour, is what causes distress

 

[3nufk1n.sheepies]

i dont want to be too extraverted, too sensor, and too feeler all at the same time

 

[3nufk1n.sheepies]

Memories of someone on PDB syaing

"yes I think you are ESFP 2w3 268 ESE SLUEN. You seem like an interesting person"

so triggering

i would rather die than be that typology