Ok to you all, I good some good and bad news. And yeah its about my eating disorder. After lots of conversations with my therapist, Im finally starting to realise what the fuck Im doing, how bad this fucks up my life, and I have to tell you all, Im sick of it, have enough of it, I want to have a normal eating habit. I havent thrown up for 4 days, the past 1,5 week I threw up just two times after dinner (normaly I always throw up after dinner). So I guess thats the good news. Now kinda the bad news, I was starting with binging, I was grabbing all th stuff I could find. I ate some bread, ate 3 bisuits, a bit chocolat, still had more bisuits, chocolat, cookies, chips, nuts left, but I quit, I quit!! I didnt continue. I stopped with it before it really would go to far.
But now the bad news, I did threw up after that. I feel so weak and pathetic. Ok its good that I quit with binging, but I shouldnt hae started with it in the first place. And the cals of what I just ate, werent so high for lunch eather, but I had to throw up. Im so pathetic.
Other stupid thing to do was weighing myself and seeing I gained 3,5 pounds the past 1,5 week. I really want to stop with all of this, but I dont want to gain weight. I still need to lose weight, because I cant stand myself like this.
The whole day, Im constantly busy with it, without even noticing it. Touching my tummy, pinching the fat on my tummy, hips, legs, arms. Cost me a long time to get dressed and in the end, I just wear lots of clothes that hide my body. Slobby pants, to hide my fat legs, skirt, dress over it, to hide my hips and upperlegs, slobby sweater to hide my stomach, sweater on top of it, to just hide the rest and because its cold lately >.< I can freak out when I just sit or stand and feel my the fat of my legs touching eachother, or when my arm touches my fat belly, or when I lay down and feel the fat against the bed. I dont know what to do in those times, I dont wanna start drinking again, dont wanna start cutting again, just putting the lights out, covering the mirrors, lay in bed, smoke to calm down, but I still feel my fatness. I dont know what to do, the only thing to help this, is to lose weight...
Ok im really ranting now, sorry I will stop, I only wanting to write about me trying to quit with throwing up and binging and all that kind of stuff that involves an eating disorder.
Sorry >.<
But now the bad news, I did threw up after that. I feel so weak and pathetic. Ok its good that I quit with binging, but I shouldnt hae started with it in the first place. And the cals of what I just ate, werent so high for lunch eather, but I had to throw up. Im so pathetic.
Other stupid thing to do was weighing myself and seeing I gained 3,5 pounds the past 1,5 week. I really want to stop with all of this, but I dont want to gain weight. I still need to lose weight, because I cant stand myself like this.
The whole day, Im constantly busy with it, without even noticing it. Touching my tummy, pinching the fat on my tummy, hips, legs, arms. Cost me a long time to get dressed and in the end, I just wear lots of clothes that hide my body. Slobby pants, to hide my fat legs, skirt, dress over it, to hide my hips and upperlegs, slobby sweater to hide my stomach, sweater on top of it, to just hide the rest and because its cold lately >.< I can freak out when I just sit or stand and feel my the fat of my legs touching eachother, or when my arm touches my fat belly, or when I lay down and feel the fat against the bed. I dont know what to do in those times, I dont wanna start drinking again, dont wanna start cutting again, just putting the lights out, covering the mirrors, lay in bed, smoke to calm down, but I still feel my fatness. I dont know what to do, the only thing to help this, is to lose weight...
Ok im really ranting now, sorry I will stop, I only wanting to write about me trying to quit with throwing up and binging and all that kind of stuff that involves an eating disorder.
Sorry >.<
it doesn't seem like much but I'm sure you know it is. And it doesn't happen right away.. I was just in ip for like two months and i'm still not better, it just takes forever. It's like an every day thing and it sucks, but at least now you realize. You will slip sometimes like everyone does, but now that you realize this you can get back on track. Good luck with everything, I'm always here if you need to talk or anything.