Rar

[Scum]

Day in, day out, suicidal, always (well, for the last 15 years), tried many times, been sectioned, been on close observation, been hospitalised.

it never changes.

Now? At Christmas I had people about, I didn't have to deal with, on top of all the other urges/thoughts/images/dissociations/etc, the physical ache of loneliness.

Today, people have gone back to work/school, its the first full day of me being alone all day, once more.

I was so deseprate to avoid this that last night I nearly ODed, no one would have found me until tonight, would have been too late, I would have been free.

I have no friends, I made them stop contacting me because I know they all want me dead. I really struggle to leave the house because it scares me. I have pets that give me a level of company.

The ache is there, it will always be there, until I die.

I'm on my way, harming myself badly on a daily basis, becoming more and more anaemic. Nearly died last time I went down this path, ignorant people sectioned me, wish they had left me to die. Then I was 110% certain I was ready, now I am confused, doing this partly for me (I have like two sides to me, this incredibly destructive side and a tiny little side that looks for hope), but mainly because I know people want me dead.

I'm fucked, I'm sorry, there was no point to this post. I'm all over the place, wanting to die, knowing other people want me dead and are plotting, hating the aching loneliness (and can't see anyway to change it).

I'm sorry, I dunno, no point, I'm sorry

 

[Allo..]

Dont be sorry..

Theres always a point..




(-this is my 500th post! woot!-sorry, just had to say that-)

 

[Scum]

Just wish I could find one.

My God, I just realised how screwed up and confused my head is.

I'm sorry, and thank you, I really mean that

 

[Esmeralda]

Have you seen a psychiatrist? You are definitely paranoid IMO and there is medication out there that can help with that. You really can get better.

 

[jennilee]

I totally agree with you Peanut0017. Scum really seems to be very paranoid about what everyone else thinks and wants. There is medication out there that would help you with all of the feelings that you are having. Trust me, you're not alone in this. There are a lot of people going through life every day with the same feelings that you are having and dealing with. These type of medications have come such a long way over the last few years too, so you don't have to worry about how they're going to affect your everyday life. Granted, it's not unusual for it to take a little while before finding which medication best suites you and your body chemistry. This is usually done by trial and error. For example......You may try one medication and it doesn't seem to make any significant difference in your condition what so ever. Then the doctor will take you off that one med and try you on another one, but that one may actually help you, but it has some side effects that you don't particular want to deal with such as, for example, insomnia...(i.e..can't sleep at all) or hypersomnia...(i.e..sleep too much). However, once you do find the one medication that best suites you, you will be able to live a life full of happiness and joy again. Help is out there and available to you whenever you decide to take advantage of it. Don't pass it up your chance for happiness. With all of them options available to us today, there's really no reason not to take advantage of it. If you do take advantage of these options, you will be so happy and grateful that you did so once you start getting better. You will wonder why you haven't taken advantage of it sooner and why you went so long without getting the help that you so much need and deserve.

Also, there's one other thing that I would like to address.....your post speak of what others want to see happen to you a good bit, or what you seem to think they want. First of all, you need to try not to worry about what others want or don't want from you. This is YOUR life. NOT THERE'S! You deserve to have the best out of life just as anyone else does and NOONE should EVER try to convince you otherwise of that. You need to rid yourself of all those negative people that's in your life. Don't worry about whatever it is they want. You need to get to the point where you could care less what they want or what they have to say for that matter. NONE of these people are any better than you are. Actually, you are better than the people that treat you this way. You deserve to be treated with the same self respect that is owed to you. Stop worring about what others think and start living your life for yourself. You will never be able to please everybody all of the time. Therefore, there's no reason to even attempt trying to do so, because it's a never ending battle that doesn't lead anywhere but down hard and miserable roads.

Anyway, I won't keep you any longer. I've written enough about all of this. I'm sorry for it being so long. I just feel so strongly about every word that I've written to you, because I feele that I'm right in what I say. I just want you to realize it too so badly so you can get out of this rut you're in and start living the life that you so desperately need and deserve.

Good Luck to you!!!

PM me if you just need or want to talk.

 

[Scum]

Thanks for the replies guys, and Jennilee, thanks for the time it must have taken to write all that.

In answer to the psych question, yes I have, a fair few different ones at different times, I have been in hosps and stuff as well, and the conclusion they draw is that there is nothing wrong with me, and what I am doing is healthy and fine. So it's ok for me to feel this rough, it's 'normal', assumably everyone else feels the same and I am just being overdramatic about it.

I disagree with the paranoia thing though (sorry), it is clear that people around me do want me dead, ie, I told everyone last time I was sectioned that if they did I would go out and kill myself (which I am in the process of doing) and after they sectioned me, my dad tried to get me off my section. That to me shows me he wants me dead, surely. As it turned out, they released me from a 6month section after 6 days, figure that one out.

I do see what you are saying about pleasing other people. On the outside I am someone who doesn't care what people think, I wear what I want, do/did what I wanted (or appeared to), but inside, it is a habit to try and please people because I always thought that by doing that I might get some love. Now I don't try and please people for that reason, it's because I am too evil and worthless to deserve what I want, and others are worth so much more, so I try and do what I can for them.

Thank you for your replies, take care

 

[ealdc]

I love my pets sooo much. There was this one time I was so close to ending it, so close to ODing but I just thought about my dog Morgan and I cried. I didn't know what she would do if I was dying in my bed and she was there, just sitting, knowing what was happening. The image of her jumping up on me and licking me made me cry and I decide not to do it.

What pets do you have Scum? I recommend everyone who is depressed get a dog. A retriever or collie of some kind. They offer so much love and support that humans never can. I love Morgan more than anything. She is a German Shepherd/Boarder Collie cross.

 

[Scum]

I love stories like that, not the part where the person is so full of pain and desperation, but the part where the pet (who lets face it, is probably a close friend) shows the person how much she is loved.

Morgan sounds like a wonderful friend for you. You are very lucky to have that pleasure. A dog can make a much better friend than a person becuase they just don't judge. I am really glad that you have that.

I have rabbits, I breed them and they are like a loony bunch of children. I spend 24/7 with them (as I have one who sleeps in my room). They give me so much, but at the same time I know that they could, and would, cope if I was not here. I have written down my wishes for when I am dead, with regards to the rabbits, and they will all be fine and loved and have company, etc. But yes, while I am here they give me so much. My only true friend was a rabbit.

I have always wanted a retriever, they are such lovely friendly dogs. I used to dog walk a couple of them once a week, and they are amazing. We never had one though becuase of all the walking involved and we didn't want to be unfair for the dog. But you are totally right, animals, in particular dogs, can offer so much to a person, they truly can be wo/man's best friend. You are really lucky to have Morgan, I hope she brings you loads more years of happiness and friendship

 

[ealdc]

U know, i don't know what to say to you really. It sounds like you have made up your mind about ending it, and soon too.

Maybe before you do, think about what you would live your life for. If i killed myself, morgan would get over it. I doubt my family would give her away even though she is mostly my dog and she would have their love.

I am a nursing student and halfway through my 4 years of training i came to a realization, i don't want to be a nurse. I don't like people very much and people aren't all that nice to me. But i love animals; dogs, cats, horses, fish, reptiles, rodents, birds, rabbits... the whole works, so i am in the middle of making a transition to becoming a vet assistant instead. I am going to finish my four years of nursing so i get the degree, but i am also going to get a job at a vet's office or a pet store so i can get some experience with them. Well, that is my plan, and on a good day, that is what I insist I am gonna do with my life.

You should make a plan like that. Something that you could do in case you do live. Then take one horrible day at a time trying to get over this depression and see if you start feeling better. Ugh, I am such a hypocrite cuz I don't feel like I can succeed in any of my plans, and here I am telling you... well, u know.

Just please don't hurt yourself. xoxo

 

[Scum]

That's pretty inspirational, and your story slammed me in the face. I was doing a teacher training course, I did it for four years (it was a case of a three year degree, plus a PGCE) and I did it because I thought that was what people expected of me, but I started banging my head against a metaphorical wall in the fourth year because I realised that I could not do it. Soemthing inside me just stopped working, I could do the work, but could not make myself go to placements, when I tried, I ended up dissociated and doing big damage to myself.

So I kept trying, but in the end gave up. But, I have my degree. You say I need a plan incase I live, and I guess I have one. I have been looking into (and have found) a psychology conversion course, via the OU, that I can study from home, then, after that, I would train as a counsellor. I guess that is my plan. I am also currently trying to find a job I can do from home (I really struggle to leave the house).

But why am I doing this? I have not got a clue, maybe becuase I know it probably won't happen, because it continues the facade to people that I am 'happy', becuase I am bored? Who knows, but yeh, I have a plan.

I also have nothing but admiraiton for you for continuning your course, and also finding your right career path. You are pretty inspriational, and I really really wish you all the luck for your transition from one to the other. From the sounds of it, you will be just the right kind of person for the job.

Thanks for all your replies, they really are appreciated, more than you will know.

 

[ealdc]

That is a really good plan. I thought of that but psychology isn't my thing... people really aren't my thing. But who better to counsel kids, teens or adults suffering from this illness than someone who has been through it. I might end up there one day, who knows.

I've also thought about doing research about depression. There are lots of unanswered questions and things that can be learned about it. As a psychologist you could do studies and a whole bunch of things that can hopefully help people one day. I want to subject myself to a study, but I haven't found one yet.

There is things to live for, if not for you, for someone else. That's why I don't think about suicide as much. People have guilted me out of it:laugh:

And thanks for the compliments, btw. I appreciate them very much.