I was reading something about Michael, the Archangel. Though I am pagan, I still have a connection to the Catholic faith...and the only reason that I looked him up was because my mother had a nightmare last night, about being in a cemetery and voices telling her to finish a plan with me...or something, and she called out to him. I wouldn't be surprised, and on some level, I'm horrified that subconsciously, she might know I'm on the edge. And reading about Michael made me break down, as I write, I feel broken. Hah. I'm always broken, but hope you all get the point. I know I've talked about this before, but it is only know that I understand. I will always want to kill myself, every day is a battle, every day I live. Some days it is so much easier than others, where I believe I have a chance... But in the end, I know how this war ends. There is no doubt about that. And that's the part that breaks me even more, knowing that no matter what...I will kill myself. No matter how hard I fight the episodes, one day I won't survive one. I stupidly organized my over twenty four pieces of writing that I created while away in Taft/Bakersfield into a story of the past couple of months and showed it to my High Priestess, and now...now she's worried. Very, and I feel guilty for showing it to her, but really, I showed it, knowing the possibilities of New Year's, and to know if she would still want me to be around knowing how fucked in the head I am. I don't know...I think she may regret ever having met me. I'm tired of fighting. I know they say to talk to someone you trust...but how do I know when is the right time to call someone? I never know when it's the right time, whether they'll think I'm calling for something stupid when in reality I'm so close to the edge... I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. You know...I planned to kill myself on the< edit mod total eclipse time line> It's the day after her operation, because I want to make sure she came out okay, and seriously, right on new year's seems...messed up. I know that as I write this, this is wrong, that my brain is not fully rational. I will upset many people if I do kill myself, my family, my friends. I should care more. I do care. But...I'm sorry, I really am. I'm tired, I feel alone, I don't want to keep going like this. This, right now, it's an episode, and I'm fighting. Always. And I will continue to fight as long as I can, even if what I really want is to be in peace, and just fade away. I was tempted to, that night, about two weeks ago. I was at that bridge, at night, no cars were passing, it's amazing how much time you can be left alone on the streets like that. And I looked down at the concrete, looked up at the sky, wondered how it would feel like to look up at it for the last time, felt numb, and I walked away. That gives me the knowledge that I can get through this, and this isn't something I do ever, but whoever reads this...I hope you can pray for me, just a little. Please.