Reading

[LunaShadow]

I was reading something about Michael, the Archangel. Though I am pagan, I still have a connection to the Catholic faith...and the only reason that I looked him up was because my mother had a nightmare last night, about being in a cemetery and voices telling her to finish a plan with me...or something, and she called out to him.

I wouldn't be surprised, and on some level, I'm horrified that subconsciously, she might know I'm on the edge.

And reading about Michael made me break down, as I write, I feel broken. Hah. I'm always broken, but hope you all get the point. I know I've talked about this before, but it is only know that I understand. I will always want to kill myself, every day is a battle, every day I live. Some days it is so much easier than others, where I believe I have a chance...

But in the end, I know how this war ends. There is no doubt about that.

And that's the part that breaks me even more, knowing that no matter what...I will kill myself. No matter how hard I fight the episodes, one day I won't survive one.

I stupidly organized my over twenty four pieces of writing that I created while away in Taft/Bakersfield into a story of the past couple of months and showed it to my High Priestess, and now...now she's worried. Very, and I feel guilty for showing it to her, but really, I showed it, knowing the possibilities of New Year's, and to know if she would still want me to be around knowing how fucked in the head I am.

I don't know...I think she may regret ever having met me.

I'm tired of fighting. I know they say to talk to someone you trust...but how do I know when is the right time to call someone? I never know when it's the right time, whether they'll think I'm calling for something stupid when in reality I'm so close to the edge...

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

You know...I planned to kill myself on the< edit mod total eclipse time line> It's the day after her operation, because I want to make sure she came out okay, and seriously, right on new year's seems...messed up. I know that as I write this, this is wrong, that my brain is not fully rational. I will upset many people if I do kill myself, my family, my friends. I should care more. I do care. But...I'm sorry, I really am. I'm tired, I feel alone, I don't want to keep going like this.

This, right now, it's an episode, and I'm fighting. Always. And I will continue to fight as long as I can, even if what I really want is to be in peace, and just fade away. I was tempted to, that night, about two weeks ago. I was at that bridge, at night, no cars were passing, it's amazing how much time you can be left alone on the streets like that. And I looked down at the concrete, looked up at the sky, wondered how it would feel like to look up at it for the last time, felt numb, and I walked away.

That gives me the knowledge that I can get through this, and this isn't something I do ever, but whoever reads this...I hope you can pray for me, just a little. Please.

 

[Mozart]

LunaShadow ....please don't give up. You sound very astute and aware....you are fighting,go on doing that. It is an honorable thing to do,
and it's more difficult than giving up.You can do it. My thoughts ( I dont pray,sorry ) are with you.

 

[LunaShadow]

Thank you very much. And I will, as long as I can.

 

[ekki2]

but whoever reads this...I hope you can pray for me, just a little. Please.

I can do this, but I regularly let God know he is an absolute bastard, so this might swing both ways. Stay strong little one, and dont hesitate to drop me a line should you feel like it.

 

[Wysteria Blue]

Dear LunaShadow,

I’ve been thinking a lot about what you wrote. I hope you’ll be patient with me as this is my first reply here…

Just like your namesake, nothing is just black or white. Her shadows are shades of blue, silver, and grays depending on whether they land on the barren tree limbs, the snow or the hillsides. Her darkest side is not actually black. She reflects her glow and helps to highlight the darkest areas and light the way for many a weary traveler. She allows brief respites from the darkest nights and also from the burning sun.

Just like sometimes we want to think in terms of black and white, with our ‘nevers’ and ‘always’…she shows us that nothing is static and nothing lasts forever. Things will change and grow and wither and heal, things bloom and shed and transform themselves again…moons will wane and grow full again according to their cycles. The tides will come in and out. I hope you will continue to be able to ride those waves of loneliness and fear until they recede again for you.

Maybe when you showed your priestess your writings, you unconsciously wanted to feel some of her life force and life- giving spirit. Priestesses know, as nature knows, that everything has a time and place and an opposite. There are no perfect circles or perfect straight lines in nature. Nothing is perfect and no one is immune to the life cycles nor pull of gravity nor change. Nature is the imperfect perfection of balance. Perhaps you needed that reminder that you are worthy, loved, cared for and need nurturing just like all of us do. I’m proud of you for reaching out a bit…It is sooo very hard to feel worthy of that, or of the feeling that things might get better when we are in our dark places.

I know I too am in the darkness and wish for a crack in the walls or to see a light on the horizon proclaiming some change or lessening of the chains of despair. Usually I close my eyes out of Fear of change or fear that any hope might be stolen away again. I do so wish to find the courage to open my eyes again and to hope. I remember what it was like to once be free, and that relative knowledge seems to make the darkness even more insidious.

I am not very good at prayer, but I do hope that the angels will wrap you gently in their wings and give you some peace or a newly lightened path.
I also hope you got to see your beautiful moon these last few nights. I saw my first shooting star while driving home Thursday night. I guess you never know what you will see if you look up once in a while…
Do hang on...I'm rooting for you..

Respectfully,
WB