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Really bad day

sadhart

SF Supporter
#1
This is something i shared with someone else, but I was going to share it here initially, so sorry if it doesn't make sense, but it was hard to write and I don't want to write it out again. Sorry if this explanation makes no sense.



Yesterday was a pretty bad day for me. In the span of two hours after work, so much went wrong. I had this idiot co worker who seems to think this exit only door is his personal door and keeps it open with a piece of cardboard. When I was leaving out it fell and he started yelling from his car. What pisses me off is that a) that is a safety issue and he and others really need to stop doing that and b) the entrance he should be using to go back is not that far away. And he is just so vain and loud all the time. Then, I went to gamestop to pick up something I ordered online that was on sale. As I was walking in, this guy was coming out and asked me if I had five dollars. I told him I did not. Then he asked if I had a card. I told him I didn't. These were both lies and I don't like lying like that. But you know what else I don't like? People I don't know asking me for money, especially for video game. Never have I had someone ask me for money for a video game like that. Yet, the thing that gets me is that I felt like the a hole for not giving him the money. Never mind there were other customers in there and never mind that he was with someone. Somehow, this made me feel like I should have done the "right thing".

And yet, it somehow gets even more ridiculous when I tried going to the grocery store across the street. The parking lot is such a pain to navigate through. I was going down this parking aisle where the arrow indicated it was a one way drive thru or whatever and yet someone from the opposite direction comes down right as I was about to turn into it. So I end up going down another aisle only for this big truck to start backing out and almost hit. I honked my horn and that's when I decided to just not even bother parking and left. And as I get to the end of the aisle where you have to stop as to not wait for traffic that is crossing, the big truck that was behind me decides to cut into the next aisle which was yet another one way drive thru. Because apparently having to wait a few seconds was just too much to do. I ended up going to the store downtown (I was in Simpsonville at the previous one). The woman in front of me thought it was a good idea to have her kid drink water and eat potato chips before they were rung up. She kind of held the line up because something was priced more than she thought or something, I don't know for sure but the cashier had to call someone over to take something off. She then proceeded to leave this little children's cart in the way as opposed to taking it back. I get it that the cart is there to keep kids occupied but it was inconsiderate of her to leave it in the way of other people who are in line. The person bagging groceries thought it was mine for some reason. I also realized later she also overloaded my bag because it later broke. And I usually find her to be a pretty good bagger, but this really added to the already difficult day.

Then there was the traffic getting back to my apartment. I don't know if it was because it was Monday but it was worse today either way. It barely moved and when I decided to take an alternate route, I was met with various construction taking place in an already narrow area because people just love to parallel park everywhere. And I also just love it when someone decides that rush hour traffic is the best time to go for a bicycle ride during said heavy traffic is a great and convenient idea. And yet, when I finally got to my apartment, i still could not catch a break. This girl decided to go for a stroll in my neighborhood and for whatever asinine reason, stopped right in front of my the driveway I had to park into, and then just proceed to just stare into space, oblivious of my car just a few feet away. I didn't honk at her, but eventually she came out of her trance and saw me gesturing for her to move. I'm actually surprised how quickly she did so.

You may think I felt better once I got inside, but no, I really didn't. That was because aside from all of that, my back has been hurting really bad since Sunday evening. And it continues to hurt now. So much so, I decided to once again call out from work. And while I feel bad for doing so, after how bad yesterday was, I really don't want to deal with anymore frustration and stress.
 

SamB

SF Supporter
#2
Hey,

Sorry you had a bad day.
I think the girl is really interesting, she almost certainly had no intention to cause you or anyone else any distress but was just doing her own thing. Not really thinking about anyone else and just accidentally got in your way. Self centred but not selfish, I think that is probably the norm with a lot of these things.

Have you ever tried shouting therapy where you just let out all your anger and frustration by shouting out loud? Not at anything or anyone but just vocalising all that built up energy and letting it out.
 

MisterBGone

~\_✅`,')
SF Supporter
#3
That is quite the collection of clusters to all happen to you in one or the same day (no less!), sadhart... I don't think you have anything to feel badly about, and I don't think you should feel that you did anything wrong in any instance. It's hard not to see it as the world is against you, when so many things occur in such a small, and finite timespan, or space of time.

But just know or understand that because of this, it may compound manners in that direction or mindset of your thinking. So in other words, had only one of these things or maybe even two happened to you. Perhaps you'd have been able to better process them in terms of not taking them so personally, or letting them affect you so deeply (if indeed that is what happened - perhaps you more emphasized & stressed that it was the culmination and therefore, the "cumulative" effect of it all...)

The way I see it, in some of the cases in particular, they were clearly the ones who were in the wrong, or at fault. And they are responsible for their own behavior(s). So all you can really do, is what you did, which was to control your own. Just try not to hone in too much on their errors...

And anyway, great job and work in handling things the way you did and not reacting in any sort of negative fashion, which likely only would have led to, or yielded less favorable results. Especially if the other party, the one who would then be on the receiving end, followed that action up with an escalation of their own. So well done on you in my opinion, and SamB has an interesting suggestion.
 

sadhart

SF Supporter
#4
Hey,

Sorry you had a bad day.
I think the girl is really interesting, she almost certainly had no intention to cause you or anyone else any distress but was just doing her own thing. Not really thinking about anyone else and just accidentally got in your way. Self centred but not selfish, I think that is probably the norm with a lot of these things.

Have you ever tried shouting therapy where you just let out all your anger and frustration by shouting out loud? Not at anything or anyone but just vocalising all that built up energy and letting it out.
Actually, she is a woman who for whatever reason likes to knock on people's door and ask them for money or a ride or something else. Some months back, she actually tried to stop me in the street while I was driving. And she does this to anyone. Saw her once stop a couple of garbage men collecting trash. So yeah, I know it was just her not paying attention and she meant no harm, but she is aggravating to deal with nonetheless.

And yeah, I just found myself screaming in my car because this prick road worker directing traffic was being careless and unprofessional, yelling at me when he seems to be oblivious of his own actions. I'm not in a really good mood right now.
 

sadhart

SF Supporter
#5
That is quite the collection of clusters to all happen to you in one or the same day (no less!), sadhart... I don't think you have anything to feel badly about, and I don't think you should feel that you did anything wrong in any instance. It's hard not to see it as the world is against you, when so many things occur in such a small, and finite timespan, or space of time.

But just know or understand that because of this, it may compound manners in that direction or mindset of your thinking. So in other words, had only one of these things or maybe even two happened to you. Perhaps you'd have been able to better process them in terms of not taking them so personally, or letting them affect you so deeply (if indeed that is what happened - perhaps you more emphasized & stressed that it was the culmination and therefore, the "cumulative" effect of it all...)

The way I see it, in some of the cases in particular, they were clearly the ones who were in the wrong, or at fault. And they are responsible for their own behavior(s). So all you can really do, is what you did, which was to control your own. Just try not to hone in too much on their errors...

And anyway, great job and work in handling things the way you did and not reacting in any sort of negative fashion, which likely only would have led to, or yielded less favorable results. Especially if the other party, the one who would then be on the receiving end, followed that action up with an escalation of their own. So well done on you in my opinion, and SamB has an interesting suggestion.
I don't feel like I handled anything well. I feel like I just don't have a good grip on my life at all. I feel so jaded and discouraged. You want to know what sucks? Today marks five years and eight months of sobriety and so I decided to do something decent for myself. of course this was stupid because it's saturday and everyone is basically out. And it is just so overwhelming. Some things happened with this careless and unprofessional road worker and then I saw something else that reminded me of how alone I am in this world.

I know I'm rambling and not making sense. I just hate life so much.
 

OCDNihilism

Well-Known Member
#6
I don't feel like I handled anything well. I feel like I just don't have a good grip on my life at all. I feel so jaded and discouraged. You want to know what sucks? Today marks five years and eight months of sobriety and so I decided to do something decent for myself. of course this was stupid because it's saturday and everyone is basically out. And it is just so overwhelming. Some things happened with this careless and unprofessional road worker and then I saw something else that reminded me of how alone I am in this world.

I know I'm rambling and not making sense. I just hate life so much.
I knew I remembered something about alchool addiciton in the past - when I was here. Glad to hear you are clean! Alchool really isn't any solution, just a distraction and then worst...

I don't know what you saw, but I know what can make me feel very alone in this world myself... Some people have it so good and still complain. I think I wouldn't complain anymore on my life if I had what some people have - not counting normal tragédias of life, like losing loved ones and so on and forth. What builds me right now is that I really want to take this challenges into pride. Pride of enduring this and coming out on top - being bigger then all this shit and while still caring about it, push through it and show how proud I am I can take it, while some of those people who have it much better would fucking crumble under some of the circunstances some of us have to deal with. That freaking builds right now!

Anyway, I hope you can find a way out of your loneliness. Is it a partner you need in your life? I sure lost mine and I feel I can't find anyone so easily in the future. Something about all the shittiness of the hands we were dealt make it difficult to have someone who wants us and then wants us to stick around..

Anyway, hope you get better, for real!
 
#7
I don't feel like I handled anything well. I feel like I just don't have a good grip on my life at all. I feel so jaded and discouraged. You want to know what sucks? Today marks five years and eight months of sobriety and so I decided to do something decent for myself. of course this was stupid because it's saturday and everyone is basically out. And it is just so overwhelming. Some things happened with this careless and unprofessional road worker and then I saw something else that reminded me of how alone I am in this world.

I know I'm rambling and not making sense. I just hate life so much.
Sometimes I find it helps just to find one small good thing - like my purring cat. Just helps turn off the negative thoughts and feelings. The world can't be all bad if my sweet kitty exists.
 

sadhart

SF Supporter
#10
Sometimes I find it helps just to find one small good thing - like my purring cat. Just helps turn off the negative thoughts and feelings. The world can't be all bad if my sweet kitty exists.
I am so overwhelmed and upset right now. Anytime I try to move forward in some way, I find myself reminded of something painful. Like, I just cannot turn off negative or painful thoughts. I'm sorry but it's just difficult for me to see anything good right now.
 

sadhart

SF Supporter
#11
I knew I remembered something about alchool addiciton in the past - when I was here. Glad to hear you are clean! Alchool really isn't any solution, just a distraction and then worst...

I don't know what you saw, but I know what can make me feel very alone in this world myself... Some people have it so good and still complain. I think I wouldn't complain anymore on my life if I had what some people have - not counting normal tragédias of life, like losing loved ones and so on and forth. What builds me right now is that I really want to take this challenges into pride. Pride of enduring this and coming out on top - being bigger then all this shit and while still caring about it, push through it and show how proud I am I can take it, while some of those people who have it much better would fucking crumble under some of the circunstances some of us have to deal with. That freaking builds right now!

Anyway, I hope you can find a way out of your loneliness. Is it a partner you need in your life? I sure lost mine and I feel I can't find anyone so easily in the future. Something about all the shittiness of the hands we were dealt make it difficult to have someone who wants us and then wants us to stick around..

Anyway, hope you get better, for real!
I'm not sure it's possible for me to have a partner of any kind in my life. I am clearly never worth love and acceptance no matter what I try to do. And some people would say I shouldn't complain because I have a job and my own place. Apparently, according to a crisisline counselor, I don't have any problems because I have those things and there are those who have it worse because they don't. So...where is all this hurt coming from if having an apartment and a job is all I need to feel good?

I hope you are able to endure and come out on top.
 
#12
I am so overwhelmed and upset right now. Anytime I try to move forward in some way, I find myself reminded of something painful. Like, I just cannot turn off negative or painful thoughts. I'm sorry but it's just difficult for me to see anything good right now.
I know it's hard, but telling yourself you "cannot" turn off the thoughts even briefly is simply incorrect. Difficult and impossible are not the same thing. If you had no control of your thoughts you could not drive, work or function at all.

Watch a Youtube video about neuroplasticity - by dwelling constantly on negatives you are actually strengthening those neural connections in your brain. Whereas practices like reading fiction, meditation and mindfulness can actually shrink the amygdala (part of your brain linked to fear and aggression).

I'm not in any way suggesting this is easy, and I struggle with it myself. But maybe look at why you are reluctant to try - are you telling yourself that if you allow yourself to dwell on anything positive it will just lead to more pain? This defeatist thinking will indeed keep you suffering.
 

OCDNihilism

Well-Known Member
#13
I'm not sure it's possible for me to have a partner of any kind in my life. I am clearly never worth love and acceptance no matter what I try to do. And some people would say I shouldn't complain because I have a job and my own place. Apparently, according to a crisisline counselor, I don't have any problems because I have those things and there are those who have it worse because they don't. So...where is all this hurt coming from if having an apartment and a job is all I need to feel good?

I hope you are able to endure and come out on top.
That person on the line shouldn't be working there. Sure, he has to point out the positives and try to help you but to come across as if that is enough... Life isn't about surviving for survivings sake. That just crushes our soul when we crave so much more and society has thought us we should have and they have it. Surely things that actually make life worth living, not just a rotten and filled with ressentment life.

I feel you really need a partner... Seems to be the Core of the matter. When we can't find someone we just beat ourselves down. It's when we most criticize ourselves.
 

sadhart

SF Supporter
#14
I know it's hard, but telling yourself you "cannot" turn off the thoughts even briefly is simply incorrect. Difficult and impossible are not the same thing. If you had no control of your thoughts you could not drive, work or function at all.

Watch a Youtube video about neuroplasticity - by dwelling constantly on negatives you are actually strengthening those neural connections in your brain. Whereas practices like reading fiction, meditation and mindfulness can actually shrink the amygdala (part of your brain linked to fear and aggression).

I'm not in any way suggesting this is easy, and I struggle with it myself. But maybe look at why you are reluctant to try - are you telling yourself that if you allow yourself to dwell on anything positive it will just lead to more pain? This defeatist thinking will indeed keep you suffering.
I know what you're saying is true. I get discouraged so easily. When I have tried to do something positive like say, write one positive journal entry at least once or twice a week, I let the slightest negative thing dictate the rest of the week. And yes, I suppose there is a fear the moment I start to feel good that something painful will happen to make it seem pointless to try again.
 
#15
I know what you're saying is true. I get discouraged so easily. When I have tried to do something positive like say, write one positive journal entry at least once or twice a week, I let the slightest negative thing dictate the rest of the week. And yes, I suppose there is a fear the moment I start to feel good that something painful will happen to make it seem pointless to try again.
Well, that's understandable and don't beat yourself up for that too! But do try and make those small changes of just a few minutes a day towards positive things like meditation, spirituality or mindfulness. I watch guided YouTube videos about Buddhism, Stoicism and therapy. Therapy in a Nutshell is good, or the Crappy Childhood Fairy. I also subscribe to the Calm app which has many good meditations - I can send you a free month if you like (I am not affiliated with them in any way and don't receive anything for sending people the link).
 

SamB

SF Supporter
#16
If you open up and let other people in then it makes you vulnerable. It’s a lot safer to always assume the worst and keep people shut out.

You do need to think carefully about things though, because sometimes when you are dealing with suicidal thoughts it is better to a bit miserable every day rather than have the bigger swings from high to low that can come from having deeper relationships.

When you look around and see all the happy people just bear in mind that when people are happy they are far more likely to be out and about and showing themselves off. Whereas when people are down they tend to hide themselves away and not go out.
 

sadhart

SF Supporter
#17
That person on the line shouldn't be working there. Sure, he has to point out the positives and try to help you but to come across as if that is enough... Life isn't about surviving for survivings sake. That just crushes our soul when we crave so much more and society has thought us we should have and they have it. Surely things that actually make life worth living, not just a rotten and filled with ressentment life.

I feel you really need a partner... Seems to be the Core of the matter. When we can't find someone we just beat ourselves down. It's when we most criticize ourselves.
It's hard to realistically see having someone in my life that loves me. This has been on my mind damn near all day so far and it just hurts so much. I guess that's why sometimes I feel like all I can do is survive for survivings sake, which yeah, it really does crush the soul.
 

sadhart

SF Supporter
#18
If you open up and let other people in then it makes you vulnerable. It’s a lot safer to always assume the worst and keep people shut out.

You do need to think carefully about things though, because sometimes when you are dealing with suicidal thoughts it is better to a bit miserable every day rather than have the bigger swings from high to low that can come from having deeper relationships.

When you look around and see all the happy people just bear in mind that when people are happy they are far more likely to be out and about and showing themselves off. Whereas when people are down they tend to hide themselves away and not go out.
I very much at times want to accept this way of life. Just closing myself up from everyone and everything. But ultimately, I am not sure that really helps things either. I'm not sure anymore.
 

MisterBGone

~\_✅`,')
SF Supporter
#19
You really do have to be commended for your lengthy track record of sobriety, @sadhart ! So I hope you don't take that for granted, or not realize & understand just how noteworthy and important it is... & as well as, just darn right IMPRESSIVE - to me! Because I know it isn't easy, and most people, relapse multiple or many times over the course of their journey to or through recovery. So you should pat yourself on the back, and give credit where credit is due, with/or for that!
 

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