Really don't get it at all

[DrNick1010]

I've been depressed for a long time, like years. I've never really talked to a doctor about it and I've never gone on meds. I think a lot about suicide from time to time, but it's typically a passing thing and I'm a very patient person as it is so as painful as it is, I know I can wait it out. But depression just seems to hang around like the proverbial dark cloud that it is with no silver lining. I was never abused in life. I had a good childhood. I've never had family issues. A lot of people like me. I'm not entirely unattractive, so I know that I can have meaningful relationships. It's happened in the past already. But I limit myself so much. I set up ultimatums in my mind that make no sense. I tell myself things like "if I don't have success by this age, I should definitely kill myself because things will never get better." I'm a pretty logic based person and there's so much of me that's saying "this makes no sense at all. Get help." But there's also a kind of madness inside me. A voice that tells me all the time (excuse the language here) "You're a fucking ****. Are you excited about dying alone?" I am 100% apathetic about my own life, but I've seen how death affects others and how profound an impact it can have on other people's lives. I know people care about me and though I've never told most of them about it, and might not even be aware of it, they're often what keep me alive. I know I should seek help, if nothing else than to get out of this slump that's plagued me for years and years and definitely interfered with how I relate to and connect with others. But I have to admit, I'm terrified of the whole process. I worry about walking into a doctor's office with an ailment that a lot of people would say is "just in my head. Go take a walk and you'll feel better. It's just the blues and everybody gets the blues from time to time." I'm so sad, lonely, and isolated and I haven't told any close friends or family the kind of pain I face at some point almost everyday. I know I'm getting really rambly on here, but SF has helped me a lot in coping with the disease I have. While people on here might not go through the same exact experiences I do, I know that there are similarities. How do you cope with despair? I don't wish this sort of thing on anyone, but I kind of hope people can relate to me, if nothing else than for the fact that I've experienced depression without trauma and nothing but an overly critical and neurotic mind.

 

[Sadeyes]

I truly believe there are forms of depression which are biochemically induced...just not enough of some brain chemicals or too much of others...about seeking help..anyone who would dismiss your pain in that way is someone you would not want to work with..please try to find someone who is a professional and understands how compromising it is to live in a place where one's perceptions mask life's pleasures and abate one's goals...you deserve to feel better...J