Empathy Only Really struggling at the moment

[Harrow]

I'm a massive idiot. It's 3 am and I feel like I'm a coward because I'm choosing to live tonight and not making an attempt.
I know parts of the reasons why I'm feeling like I do. But it's more then that. The pain is a million times worse then it should be its unnatural, it's unbearable. The manic is consuming me.
There must be something fundementaly wrong with me, an imbalance.
It feels like the bottom of my lungs has been pinched, and my heart is just an empty space with an itch for it to be there, which drives me insane.
I'm honestly loosing my mind.
I'm really terrified.
I started leximil I've being on it before and I remember at first then the pain and the fear that set in before it stared to take affect and I honestly can't remember how I dealt with it.
I don't know how to deal with the now, I don't know how to deal with the future.
I wish I could just bow out. But I can't hurt anyone and it's destroying me.
All my life I've been manic. It makes me feel like the most fucked up destroyed soul imaginable.
I hate this, I hate me, I can't cope.
I can't breathe
I can't do this

 

[LizardLeaf]

I'm a massive idiot. It's 3 am and I feel like I'm a coward because I'm choosing to live tonight and not making an attempt.
I know parts of the reasons why I'm feeling like I do. But it's more then that. The pain is a million times worse then it should be its unnatural, it's unbearable. The manic is consuming me.
There must be something fundementaly wrong with me, an imbalance.
It feels like the bottom of my lungs has been pinched, and my heart is just an empty space with an itch for it to be there, which drives me insane.
I'm honestly loosing my mind.
I'm really terrified.
I started leximil I've being on it before and I remember at first then the pain and the fear that set in before it stared to take affect and I honestly can't remember how I dealt with it.
I don't know how to deal with the now, I don't know how to deal with the future.
I wish I could just bow out. But I can't hurt anyone and it's destroying me.
All my life I've been manic. It makes me feel like the most fucked up destroyed soul imaginable.
I hate this, I hate me, I can't cope.
I can't breathe
I can't do this

Hello and thank you for writing down your feelings. It's so hard when you feel overwhelmed and full of emotions that panic to understand why you're feeling that way. Please do not apologise or feel bad for how you're feeling, if this is how you're feeling then it's perfectly okay because you're going through a rough time in your life. Thank you for choosing to live tonight, it's such a hard thing to do and I appreciate you reaching out for support. This is a massive step you've taken in your journey to feeling well again and you should feel proud of yourself. I haven't tried Leximil but it sounds awful. I'm sure you know this way better than me, but can your doctor try you on a different medication to see if that helps better than Leximil?
I'm sending you hugs, from me to you thank you for staying here tonight and you have a friend in me

 

[Zinnia]

I'm a massive idiot. It's 3 am and I feel like I'm a coward because I'm choosing to live tonight and not making an attempt.
I know parts of the reasons why I'm feeling like I do. But it's more then that. The pain is a million times worse then it should be its unnatural, it's unbearable. The manic is consuming me.
There must be something fundementaly wrong with me, an imbalance.
It feels like the bottom of my lungs has been pinched, and my heart is just an empty space with an itch for it to be there, which drives me insane.
I'm honestly loosing my mind.
I'm really terrified.
I started leximil I've being on it before and I remember at first then the pain and the fear that set in before it stared to take affect and I honestly can't remember how I dealt with it.
I don't know how to deal with the now, I don't know how to deal with the future.
I wish I could just bow out. But I can't hurt anyone and it's destroying me.
All my life I've been manic. It makes me feel like the most fucked up destroyed soul imaginable.
I hate this, I hate me, I can't cope.
I can't breathe
I can't do this

Hold on. Here with you. Just one breath, and then another, and another

 

[Mymindsmine]

Yes you can!!!

 

[Mymindsmine]

Already your showing. Strength to reach out !!!

 

[Mymindsmine]

Be super proud that you shared with us your pain. That’s already a big step .

 

[Mymindsmine]

If I could grab your and hold you I would

 

[iloverachel]

I'm a massive idiot. It's 3 am and I feel like I'm a coward because I'm choosing to live tonight and not making an attempt.
I know parts of the reasons why I'm feeling like I do. But it's more then that. The pain is a million times worse then it should be its unnatural, it's unbearable. The manic is consuming me.
There must be something fundementaly wrong with me, an imbalance.
It feels like the bottom of my lungs has been pinched, and my heart is just an empty space with an itch for it to be there, which drives me insane.
I'm honestly loosing my mind.
I'm really terrified.
I started leximil I've being on it before and I remember at first then the pain and the fear that set in before it stared to take affect and I honestly can't remember how I dealt with it.
I don't know how to deal with the now, I don't know how to deal with the future.
I wish I could just bow out. But I can't hurt anyone and it's destroying me.
All my life I've been manic. It makes me feel like the most fucked up destroyed soul imaginable.
I hate this, I hate me, I can't cope.
I can't breathe
I can't do this

I feel like you do right now. Sorry to hear hop you get better

 

[Catch_22]

I don't know much about being manic naturally, only experienced it on a drug but it sucked. I'm sorry you are hurting..this sounds awful..but you do have a way with words.
I was wondering what's cowardly about staying alive and not acting on feelings and urges to die? I think it's the bravest action ever, to stay alive in the face of pain, fear and death.

 

[A_J_R]

I'm with @Catch_22. I read your post @Harrow and thought it was the exact opposite to keep going. that's not cowardly at all. That takes so much courage. And it's a good indicator of your strength. Keep going. We're here for you.

 

[Harrow]

Thank you. All the sympathy and kind words mean a lot to me.
I'm not really sure I'm feeling any better today, maybe just slightly numb. Really hating this low, but I keep taking the medicine each day, four to six weeks for optimal recovery, so I have a way to go.
To be honest, I just don't want to feel anymore. I don't want to be me, I'm so sick of dealing with this. It's the most painful alone feeling ever.

 

[Catch_22]

Thank you. All the sympathy and kind words mean a lot to me.
I'm not really sure I'm feeling any better today, maybe just slightly numb. Really hating this low, but I keep taking the medicine each day, four to six weeks for optimal recovery, so I have a way to go.
To be honest, I just don't want to feel anymore. I don't want to be me, I'm so sick of dealing with this. It's the most painful alone feeling ever.

Is the medicine making things worse or better?

 

[KM76710]

Thank you. All the sympathy and kind words mean a lot to me.
I'm not really sure I'm feeling any better today, maybe just slightly numb. Really hating this low, but I keep taking the medicine each day, four to six weeks for optimal recovery, so I have a way to go.
To be honest, I just don't want to feel anymore. I don't want to be me, I'm so sick of dealing with this. It's the most painful alone feeling ever.

I am hoping that the recovery and the medications work well for you and your improvement.

 

[Sunspots]

I've only just seen this @Harrow. I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad right now

Choosing to live is never weak. It's a strong and brave decision.

Hang in there, that medication should start having an effect soon. We're all here with you, anytime you need us.