I'm in the recovery process and I hate it. Part of me really wants to be better. I want to look forward to being hungry and having a nice meal. I want to feel full without feeling guilty. I want to look at my body in the mirror, regardless of what size everything is and think "yes, I look great". I want to be curvy and I want to love myself. I want to feel like a woman and I also want to be invited to social gatherings that involve eating out and feel happy to do so, and everything I'm working on now is aiming towards those goals and I'm sure they're what I want but there's this disgusting feeling in the back of my head that tells me that as soon as I get there, I'm going to deteriorate into my old ways and feel just as terrible as I have done for the past 10 years. It's taken me so long to get hear, but I've gained nearly a stone so far and I feel dreadful. I don't think I can carry on, but what's waiting for me if I go backwards? Why is everything so hard all the time? This is more a ramble, but does anyone else know what this feels like or experienced it? How did you get through it or are getting through it? Thanks for reading.