Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Lux, Dec 1, 2013.

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  1. Lux

    Lux Well-Known Member

    I'm in the recovery process and I hate it.

    Part of me really wants to be better. I want to look forward to being hungry and having a nice meal. I want to feel full without feeling guilty. I want to look at my body in the mirror, regardless of what size everything is and think "yes, I look great". I want to be curvy and I want to love myself. I want to feel like a woman and I also want to be invited to social gatherings that involve eating out and feel happy to do so, and everything I'm working on now is aiming towards those goals and I'm sure they're what I want but there's this disgusting feeling in the back of my head that tells me that as soon as I get there, I'm going to deteriorate into my old ways and feel just as terrible as I have done for the past 10 years.

    It's taken me so long to get hear, but I've gained nearly a stone so far and I feel dreadful.
    I don't think I can carry on, but what's waiting for me if I go backwards?
    Why is everything so hard all the time?
    This is more a ramble, but does anyone else know what this feels like or experienced it?
    How did you get through it or are getting through it?

    Thanks for reading.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    All i can say hun is to listen to the positive voices ok not the old voices that kept you trapped You are doing such a great job keep up the therapy keep moving forward hugs
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    recovering from an ed is a frighting and confusing process. It really is such a struggle. I respect you very much for wanting what you want. Even though there is that understandable thought pattern or voice in the back of your head that has the fear. Eds are mighty. Healing is a long process. You are on that road. But it has lots of fear. It has lots of confusion. This is very understandable. Part of the person wants the healing ( if they are lucky). The other part is so afraid of the healing. The important thing is to, through the fear, just continue to take the steps toward healing. Its a tough and scary road. But I really can hear that you are doing a good job on it. Even though its rocky and scary and confusing. Thats the nature of the ed recovery. Huge hugs for you :hug: and your courage.
  4. KimKim

    KimKim Well-Known Member

    The voie in yourr head will allways be there I'm afraid.
    At least my ED-voice still reminds me of all the kalories I eat forces me on the scale every morning...But other than that I am able to not let It control me.

    It's a struggle, it's a fight - but as long as you keep fighting, you can't lose. And you know what you are fighting for =)
  5. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member


    Flowers is totally right, you are doing an awesome job. Recovery is long and arduous, but you are being strong admist the currents of the tides of conflicting emotions that keep washing over you. I admire your strength. I know you have it in you to get to your goal and see yourself through to the other side of this... and be happy and strong and confident once again. You are overcoming your abuse... something to rejoice over. Not all of us can say that. You are really an inspiration. Just keep listening to that part of you that wants to recover and when that other voice starts getting too loud.... come talk to me or others -- we'll rally to support you. Take care and be good to yourself.
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