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Relentless Thoughts | How Can I Love Myself?

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by glass, Mar 24, 2015.

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  1. glass

    glass New Member

    I have constant anxiety, mostly stemming from obsessive thoughts. It's so difficult to snap myself out of the dark mood I get into when I have these intrusive, horrifying thoughts. All of my "What if" questions seem to revolve around self-harm, loved ones suddenly dying, or loss of cherished items. I was "the fat kid," so I was ridiculed for my weight throughout grade school and secondary education. The most hurtful comments came from my family, the ones who are supposed to love me the most. My step-dad was instrumental in my mental abuse: if I wasn't fat, I was stupid. Although, I have always had confidence in my academic abilities (I was in gifted programs, graduated top 10 in my high school class of 520, and received scholarships for university where I'm in the Honors program), so constantly having my intelligence questioned just furthered my introversion. I question every time I speak if the words coming out of my mouth are even worthy of anyone hearing them. I have such low self-esteem, and I hate it. I'm always worried about my weight, which I shouldn't be because I'm quite average in build, and about never being successful at anything I try.

    I've been going to therapy. I'm on medication to treat my OCD and depression. I'm just afraid I'll never see myself as valuable, and I will always be suicidal.

    How can I learn to appreciate myself? Looking in the mirror everyday and telling myself to isn't working very well.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry to hear that you are suffering today. The mental cruelty from your step-father is not nice and no doubt affected your life. You are important and please remember what on the inside is important and not the outside.

    Congratulate yourself on your academic achievements. Please do not be so harsh on yourself. The forum can help you get through this tough period of time.

    I know your are hurting but please be safe. Like I say to others take this virtual hand and let's us hand in hand show you are worthwhile living. Let today be start of your healing process. You are very IMPORTANT and be safe.
  3. Jay19

    Jay19 Well-Known Member

    I guess in order to appreciate yourself you must stop caring what others say about you and learn to trust in yourself what you have done and are capable of. You are intelligent which is proven by your academic record yet by listening people like your step-father those accomplishments are quickly forgotten.
    I'm in a similar boat in that I have graduated from university yet I still feel stupid. I get put down alot by my family, they make me feel in-adequate. I know how hard it is to ignore comments from people like them but I feel that is the only way to fully appreciate one self.
    Do you have anyone in your life who gives you positive re-inforcement? I dont have many but when I am with them and they pay me a compliment I feel so much better.
  4. Vaughan

    Vaughan Well-Known Member

    You know, sometimes there are people in positions of power - Parents, teachers, bosses etc. whose worldview is stunted and ignorant. I come from a family where the automatic reaction to anything new was to hate on it, for example. Such a silly way for us to have lived.

    Then there are the people who are supposed to be nurturers who abuse their position. I had that big time.

    Finally, there are nurturers who self-medicate their own inadequacies by laying into someone else. Maybe that someone else is/was you.

    So what you have to do is, identify those people you trust, and those you don't. For example, my father is a bully who is quick to anger and is very judgmental. That's not a good person to put my trust in, and the thinking patterns are destructive. I can axe those ideas pretty quickly.

    The guy who lives down the hall (I'm in an apartment) - I don't even know his name, so he's not a good person to trust.

    I have a partner who has always been way more switched on than me. BINGO! Someone I can trust. I also have to trust my doctor. And so on.

    Then you need to work on you. Who are you? What do you like? What do you dislike? Why do you dislike something? Is that reason valid?

    It all takes time, and it can be easy to get mired in the darkness. When we're stuck we need help, but if you start looking for the little bits of light, you may surprise yourself. :)
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