Resigned to hopelessness, slowly getting tired of being alive

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Geworfenheit, Aug 10, 2013.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Geworfenheit

    Geworfenheit Member

    Here is the soundtrack to my post:

    If I haven't already resigned myself to hopelessness, I'm pretty damned close to it. I seem to lack the wherewithal to fulfill my potential; I don't even have the drive to do the things about which I am passionate; my attention span is just awful and I waste most of my time doing masturbatory things like browsing the internet or watching episodes of Seinfeld I've already seen ten times (and I've seen all 180 of them at least ten times).

    I'm 24, and time is already beginning to breeze by. As I go through what should be the best years of my life in the same way I feel I've gone through all of my years, I can't see anything but stagnation in my future. I'm not in miserable agony, physically or psychologically, and never really have been (although the year following a bad acid trip was relatively hellish), but I'm not particularly happy, either, and it doesn't appear that I'll ever be able to obtain any of the things I really want or care about. The disparity between what I want and what I feel I would otherwise be capable of (were it not for a few damning inadequacies/defects of mine), and what I realistically expect to get and what I actually am capable of, is so insurmountably wide that every time I'm confronted by it (which is almost all the time) I feel like screaming out in frustration (which I never actually do).

    And as icing on the cake of irony that my life apparently is, I've recently begun to experience symptoms of neuropathy in my hands and feet. I'm slowly losing sensitivity, and the muscles are beginning to twitch and do other funny things. My GP (foolishly) mentioned the possibility of MS, which has exacerbated my neurotic tendencies tremendously, and I've since seen a neurologist, who of course has me scheduled to do some tests, after which I'll return to his office in a month. In the meantime I'm left to sit around as my nervous system is eaten away and wonder what the fuck is really going on with me, and whether it will ever stop or get better. Do you know the two things I'm best at? Typing (I score in the 99.99th percentile) and playing the piano. Losing even the tiniest bit of fine motor control would devastate me, and I'm a fragile enough person as it is.

    It's gotten to the point where whenever I end up contemplating the absurdity of my life and of my future, I end up saying things to myself like "Jesus, I might just have to kill myself." I've never actually felt tempted to commit suicide (still don't), and in my opinion, anybody who has not taken the idea of suicide seriously (in a philosophical sense; read some Camus) has not really taken life seriously, but I fear the possibility of becoming fed-up enough that I do end up feeling suicidal. If it turns out that I do have a serious neurological condition like MS, I imagine I'd end up killing myself within a few years. Besides that, if my life doesn't take a sudden turn for the better, I really can't see myself being able to tolerate decades more of this.

    /rant. Thoughts?
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 10, 2013
  2. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    MS itself is something that my dad's wife has (technically stepmum, but I don't refer to her as that), and although it wears her out a fair bit, she actively participates in volunteer circles regarding the condition. If it turned out that was what you had, you could consider doing something similar and being an active volunteer doesn't rule out a life - she was 49 on wednesday just gone and has had 2 kids too - it doesn't have to be an end to a life to have it or anything similar that could take years to develop.

    I would consider seeking out a counsellor/therapist - because maybe you could do with setting smaller goals rather than looking at the frustrations of not getting what you expect yourself to get?
  3. Geworfenheit

    Geworfenheit Member

    I'm insanely neurotic--a progressive neurodegenerative disease would cause me far more distress than it would cause a typical person. I feel I know myself pretty well, and I do not think I have the resilience to be able to cope with a condition like that.

    I've seen counselors and therapists in the past. All of them have been monumentally disappointing, in spite of the fact that I was sincere in my efforts to receive help from them. Recently I've been trying to find another therapist, but I haven't seen a single one that looks at all promising. I make just enough money to scrape by, so I'm not going to shell out $60 or more a week on somebody who may or may not be of any use to me at all.

    I do try to set small goals, but, I can't seem to gain any momentum. There's this massive inertia weighing me down, and I can't seem to get over these devastatingly bad habits of mine--even when I'm living well for a week, they always seem to creep back up on me, or I just get depressed again and stop trying. I could really use some sort of impetus, and as I go along it seems more and more like there is no such thing.
  4. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Have a few in place - that build onto each other? - That way you have say, 6-10 small goals to build into a medium goal... so you've got something to work towards.

    May I ask what theses bad habits of yours actually are?
  5. Geworfenheit

    Geworfenheit Member

    Laziness, apathy. Those result in habitual bad behavior, like watching mindless TV shows, playing mindless video games, eating food I know I shouldn't be eating because I'm too lazy to prepare something good, etc. I think I'm getting pretty close to having the habit of walking a few miles every day, but even that doesn't do much about my mood or my ability to get things done.
  6. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Ah - maybe i'm not best placed to offer supportive advice regarding that - because laziness isn't something i'd be particularly nice about. I'm sorry I can't be helpful.
  7. Geworfenheit

    Geworfenheit Member

    Well, when it comes to laziness, one could always get into a debate about free will vs. biology and such, but I do genuinely suffer from lethargy, and I always have. Not sure what could be wrong with me, but I probably average at least ten hours of sleep a night, and I often end up sleeping much more than that.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.