Here is the soundtrack to my post: http://open.spotify.com/track/3NNYEmNiwRSHaZL4wdRWlO If I haven't already resigned myself to hopelessness, I'm pretty damned close to it. I seem to lack the wherewithal to fulfill my potential; I don't even have the drive to do the things about which I am passionate; my attention span is just awful and I waste most of my time doing masturbatory things like browsing the internet or watching episodes of Seinfeld I've already seen ten times (and I've seen all 180 of them at least ten times). I'm 24, and time is already beginning to breeze by. As I go through what should be the best years of my life in the same way I feel I've gone through all of my years, I can't see anything but stagnation in my future. I'm not in miserable agony, physically or psychologically, and never really have been (although the year following a bad acid trip was relatively hellish), but I'm not particularly happy, either, and it doesn't appear that I'll ever be able to obtain any of the things I really want or care about. The disparity between what I want and what I feel I would otherwise be capable of (were it not for a few damning inadequacies/defects of mine), and what I realistically expect to get and what I actually am capable of, is so insurmountably wide that every time I'm confronted by it (which is almost all the time) I feel like screaming out in frustration (which I never actually do). And as icing on the cake of irony that my life apparently is, I've recently begun to experience symptoms of neuropathy in my hands and feet. I'm slowly losing sensitivity, and the muscles are beginning to twitch and do other funny things. My GP (foolishly) mentioned the possibility of MS, which has exacerbated my neurotic tendencies tremendously, and I've since seen a neurologist, who of course has me scheduled to do some tests, after which I'll return to his office in a month. In the meantime I'm left to sit around as my nervous system is eaten away and wonder what the fuck is really going on with me, and whether it will ever stop or get better. Do you know the two things I'm best at? Typing (I score in the 99.99th percentile) and playing the piano. Losing even the tiniest bit of fine motor control would devastate me, and I'm a fragile enough person as it is. It's gotten to the point where whenever I end up contemplating the absurdity of my life and of my future, I end up saying things to myself like "Jesus, I might just have to kill myself." I've never actually felt tempted to commit suicide (still don't), and in my opinion, anybody who has not taken the idea of suicide seriously (in a philosophical sense; read some Camus) has not really taken life seriously, but I fear the possibility of becoming fed-up enough that I do end up feeling suicidal. If it turns out that I do have a serious neurological condition like MS, I imagine I'd end up killing myself within a few years. Besides that, if my life doesn't take a sudden turn for the better, I really can't see myself being able to tolerate decades more of this. /rant. Thoughts?