I dont want to really tell a story of how I got here. I just want to talk about right now, I dont want to think about later or before just right now. Everything hurts and Im confused. Its been almost my whole life Ive struggled with something. Im tired Im really tired. I dont think I can keep pushing through and acting like my plans mean something. Im living on borrowed time. I shouldve never made it this long. Now everythings so much worse. I have no future everyone thinks Im some failure because I couldnt finish school. I quit my job and dont do anything but hurt myself. I havent brushed my hair in almost a year again, havent touched my teeth in about 2 weeks. No shower and its been around 3 months. I hate myself even more because I dont do these things but when I try I cant. I dont want to deal with myself anymore. I cant stand myself anyways so why push selfcare? But if I ignore it I feel even dirtier. I feel so stupid and stuck. My parents dont really believe Im struggling with mental health and I have no one there for me. My mother started drinking again and tried to admit me, a week of torure followed and my father wants nothing to do with me. The things she said to me make me think she never cared or loved me and nothing ever changed. I feel like the last somehow little bit of hope? was so destroyed I just cant keep living. Its too much always has been but this is really the end of the road. No one knows me or cares about me. They care more for me finishing school or giving them my paychecks than about me still waking up the next day. Ive tried telling them and even medication. I cant have therapy Im poor theres so many loops to go through it feels impossible. Ill never get better or get help fast enough to save my life. Tomorrow is not gauranteed. Im honestly just still here because I want my parents to care and believe me. I want them to help. I feel like such a loser because I know they dont. They only thing keeping me here is that maybe they will care in the next few days. But if I just told them again how bad it is and their only response is clean the house why am I even still trying. This is dumb to even talk about and Ill regret even saying anything. I genuinely feel like it would be better for everyone and everything if I had just never been born.
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Right Now?
- Thread starter eli?
- Start date
I'm sorry you're going through this Eli
It's definitely ok to only talk about what you want to talk about.
It sounds like you're dealing with both depression itself and hostility and indifference of your parents, which is making everything worse. I'm sorry they haven't been supportive.
I care about you. I'd be really happy if I could help you find a way to live and get better.
I've been down before myself, maybe not as far down as you are now, but bad enough that I can relate.
I'm sorry that treatment has either not worked or has been inaccessible. If you'd like I could try to offer some advice about treatment, but it's also ok if you don't want that.
Sending hugs if you would like hugs.
It's definitely ok to only talk about what you want to talk about.
It sounds like you're dealing with both depression itself and hostility and indifference of your parents, which is making everything worse. I'm sorry they haven't been supportive.
I care about you. I'd be really happy if I could help you find a way to live and get better.
I've been down before myself, maybe not as far down as you are now, but bad enough that I can relate.
I'm sorry that treatment has either not worked or has been inaccessible. If you'd like I could try to offer some advice about treatment, but it's also ok if you don't want that.
Sending hugs if you would like hugs.
If you're in the US, you might want to try calling 211. They might be able to help you get access to some free services (no guarantees, it's just probably worth a try).
The links below (to pages on SF) have some information about treatment methods:
Treating Depression - Conventional Treatments
Chinese Herbal Medicine and Acupuncture, World's Second Largest Medical System
Self-Treatment and Miscellaneous
The third link in particular has info about self-treatment methods, which might be particularly valuable if you can't get free services.
One of the most valuable treatment methods for me when I was at my worst was dietary changes. Only eating foods that were at least lightly cooked and served warm, not even consuming water that wasn't at least warm. Trying to only have freshly cooked foods is good too, but somewhat harder. Not eating past 9pm (or even earlier) can be helpful too.
Dietary changes helped not just because of their own merits, but also because they were really easy.
If you can't brush your teeth, if you can rinse your mouth thoroughly with water, that might help a lot. I remember seeing a poster in a dentist's office advising to both swish the water, and then swallow it. I'm guessing the swallowing part might be getting the benefits of the fluoride, but it might have to do with better removing food particles.
Just washing your body and not your hair might make it easier. Also bathing in the afternoon or evening rather than the morning.
It still might be too difficult for you bathe at all or rinse your teeth, it's just that those things might make it slightly easier.
I hope something can help, and I can keep on trying until there's something that does, or I run out of ideas.
The links below (to pages on SF) have some information about treatment methods:
Treating Depression - Conventional Treatments
Chinese Herbal Medicine and Acupuncture, World's Second Largest Medical System
Self-Treatment and Miscellaneous
The third link in particular has info about self-treatment methods, which might be particularly valuable if you can't get free services.
One of the most valuable treatment methods for me when I was at my worst was dietary changes. Only eating foods that were at least lightly cooked and served warm, not even consuming water that wasn't at least warm. Trying to only have freshly cooked foods is good too, but somewhat harder. Not eating past 9pm (or even earlier) can be helpful too.
Dietary changes helped not just because of their own merits, but also because they were really easy.
If you can't brush your teeth, if you can rinse your mouth thoroughly with water, that might help a lot. I remember seeing a poster in a dentist's office advising to both swish the water, and then swallow it. I'm guessing the swallowing part might be getting the benefits of the fluoride, but it might have to do with better removing food particles.
Just washing your body and not your hair might make it easier. Also bathing in the afternoon or evening rather than the morning.
It still might be too difficult for you bathe at all or rinse your teeth, it's just that those things might make it slightly easier.
I hope something can help, and I can keep on trying until there's something that does, or I run out of ideas.
Here's some info on some super-easy meals you can make in the microwave.
Not much equipment is needed for the cooking I describe. The main things are a microwave oven, microwave-safe dishes, and silverware. I think pretty much any glass or ceramic dish that you might get at a store that sells home goods would work.
1. Microwaved mixed vegetables (same instructions for most other kinds of frozen vegetables). I usually get a mix of corn, peas, carrots, and green beans. I love carrots too.
Get a one or two pound bag of mixed frozen vegetables.
Open the bag and pour about a quarter to a third of a pound into a microwave-safe dish.
Add about a tablespoon or two of water to the dish (I usually just eyeball it).
Put a rubber band around the bag of vegetables to keep it closed in the freezer.
Microwave the dish on high for about 6.5-8 minutes, until they're as crunchy or soft as you like them. Maybe add a butter or little olive oil.
2. Microwaved Potato.
Get a microwave potato cooker bag. I'm not sure what the official name is. One brand is called "potato express". It's just a quilted bag with a flap on it that works great for cooking potatoes in the microwave. There are probably other brands that work just as well.
Buy a bag of potatoes. You can usually get a 5 pound or bigger bag for cheap. I usually take the potatoes out of the plastic bag to give them some air, they usually last longer that way.
Wash the potato and remove any eyes or anything else you don't like from the potato.
Put the potato in the bag and microwave on high for about 4.5 minutes. Then flip the bag over and cook again for another 1-4 minutes, depending on the size of the potato.
Maybe add some butter or olive oil if you'd like.
Sweet potatoes can also be cooked this way.
3. Microwaved beans.
Ok this one is so simple it's kind of ridiculous to give directions, but...
Get a can of beans (black beans, garbanzo beans, kidney beans, etc)
Open the can and wash off the beans in a sieve, or rinse them right in the can using the lid to strain them (rinsing is important for canned beans, because they often are packed with a lot of salt, or a chemical preservative).
Put the beans in a dish and warm them in the microwave for maybe a minute.
Sometimes I'll get chick peas and heat them up for 1.5 minutes in the microwave, then add some spaghetti sauce.
You can get silicone dish covers to put over the dish so the beans don't explode everywhere, or a glass cover.
Same instructions for other canned foods, though others may not require rinsing. Canned food is not ideal, but a little is not so bad.
4. Microwaved oatmeal.
Get a container of rolled oats.
Pour about a cup into a microwave safe dish. There should be enough capacity in the dish to hold more the amount that you add, because oatmeal will tend to boil up when it's cooked.
Add enough water to cover the oatmeal.
Microwave for about 1.5 minutes on high.
Microwave it again for about 3 minutes on 50% power. You may have to make adjustments based on the size of the bowl or dish you use and the strength of the microwave to prevent it from overflowing.
You could also just follow the instructions on the container of oatmeal. My cooking directions may help to prevent the oatmeal from overflowing.
I like to add powdered ginger to it. This might be especially helpful for you Eli, as ginger has a lot of benefits. I also like to throw in a small handful of raw walnuts (it's an exception to the no-raw-foods-diet that I recommend).
5. Microwaved ground meat.
Get some ground meat. The lower-fat kind is usually more expensive, but probably better for you. There's kind of a trade off between price and low-fat. Your results may vary. A lot of the fat will melt when it's cooked, so you can pat it off with paper towel.
Scoop some out with a fork and make a flat patty in a m-safe dish.
I usually poke a doughnut whole in the middle, because that part tends to cook more slowly otherwise.
Cook on high for about 2 to 2.5 minutes.
You can pour off the fat. It's often good to pour fat into a container like a jar that you can throw out, or wait for it to cool before you put it in the trash just so it won't melt through plastic bag liners. If you pour fat down the drain, it will clog your pipes eventually.
Whole chunks of meat are often less expensive, but are more likely to explode in the microwave.
6. Tuna salad.
Open and drain a can of tuna. "Chunk light" tuna is best, because it has less mercury in it.
Mix the tuna with about 3-4 spoon fulls of mayonnaise.
You can heat the tuna, eat it as is, or put it on a slice of bread to make an open-faced sandwich.
7. If you like rice, you might want to try getting a rice cooker. I don't like rice because if I eat quite a bit, I'll usually feel ill afterward. There's a complicated Chinese medicine explanation for this, but suffice it say that if you don't feel bad then next day after eating a lot of rice, it's probably ok.
Not much equipment is needed for the cooking I describe. The main things are a microwave oven, microwave-safe dishes, and silverware. I think pretty much any glass or ceramic dish that you might get at a store that sells home goods would work.
1. Microwaved mixed vegetables (same instructions for most other kinds of frozen vegetables). I usually get a mix of corn, peas, carrots, and green beans. I love carrots too.
Get a one or two pound bag of mixed frozen vegetables.
Open the bag and pour about a quarter to a third of a pound into a microwave-safe dish.
Add about a tablespoon or two of water to the dish (I usually just eyeball it).
Put a rubber band around the bag of vegetables to keep it closed in the freezer.
Microwave the dish on high for about 6.5-8 minutes, until they're as crunchy or soft as you like them. Maybe add a butter or little olive oil.
2. Microwaved Potato.
Get a microwave potato cooker bag. I'm not sure what the official name is. One brand is called "potato express". It's just a quilted bag with a flap on it that works great for cooking potatoes in the microwave. There are probably other brands that work just as well.
Buy a bag of potatoes. You can usually get a 5 pound or bigger bag for cheap. I usually take the potatoes out of the plastic bag to give them some air, they usually last longer that way.
Wash the potato and remove any eyes or anything else you don't like from the potato.
Put the potato in the bag and microwave on high for about 4.5 minutes. Then flip the bag over and cook again for another 1-4 minutes, depending on the size of the potato.
Maybe add some butter or olive oil if you'd like.
Sweet potatoes can also be cooked this way.
3. Microwaved beans.
Ok this one is so simple it's kind of ridiculous to give directions, but...
Get a can of beans (black beans, garbanzo beans, kidney beans, etc)
Open the can and wash off the beans in a sieve, or rinse them right in the can using the lid to strain them (rinsing is important for canned beans, because they often are packed with a lot of salt, or a chemical preservative).
Put the beans in a dish and warm them in the microwave for maybe a minute.
Sometimes I'll get chick peas and heat them up for 1.5 minutes in the microwave, then add some spaghetti sauce.
You can get silicone dish covers to put over the dish so the beans don't explode everywhere, or a glass cover.
Same instructions for other canned foods, though others may not require rinsing. Canned food is not ideal, but a little is not so bad.
4. Microwaved oatmeal.
Get a container of rolled oats.
Pour about a cup into a microwave safe dish. There should be enough capacity in the dish to hold more the amount that you add, because oatmeal will tend to boil up when it's cooked.
Add enough water to cover the oatmeal.
Microwave for about 1.5 minutes on high.
Microwave it again for about 3 minutes on 50% power. You may have to make adjustments based on the size of the bowl or dish you use and the strength of the microwave to prevent it from overflowing.
You could also just follow the instructions on the container of oatmeal. My cooking directions may help to prevent the oatmeal from overflowing.
I like to add powdered ginger to it. This might be especially helpful for you Eli, as ginger has a lot of benefits. I also like to throw in a small handful of raw walnuts (it's an exception to the no-raw-foods-diet that I recommend).
5. Microwaved ground meat.
Get some ground meat. The lower-fat kind is usually more expensive, but probably better for you. There's kind of a trade off between price and low-fat. Your results may vary. A lot of the fat will melt when it's cooked, so you can pat it off with paper towel.
Scoop some out with a fork and make a flat patty in a m-safe dish.
I usually poke a doughnut whole in the middle, because that part tends to cook more slowly otherwise.
Cook on high for about 2 to 2.5 minutes.
You can pour off the fat. It's often good to pour fat into a container like a jar that you can throw out, or wait for it to cool before you put it in the trash just so it won't melt through plastic bag liners. If you pour fat down the drain, it will clog your pipes eventually.
Whole chunks of meat are often less expensive, but are more likely to explode in the microwave.
6. Tuna salad.
Open and drain a can of tuna. "Chunk light" tuna is best, because it has less mercury in it.
Mix the tuna with about 3-4 spoon fulls of mayonnaise.
You can heat the tuna, eat it as is, or put it on a slice of bread to make an open-faced sandwich.
7. If you like rice, you might want to try getting a rice cooker. I don't like rice because if I eat quite a bit, I'll usually feel ill afterward. There's a complicated Chinese medicine explanation for this, but suffice it say that if you don't feel bad then next day after eating a lot of rice, it's probably ok.