:sad: is it possible?

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by butterflies32, Feb 20, 2010.

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  1. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    am wondering how to eat. had nothing all day except 2hot waters and a lemon tea. have 2 small oat cakes sitting in front of me but dont want them but know i have to if i want to get better. just dont know how.

    Sam
    x
     
  2. enerjii

    enerjii Active Member

    this must be really hard . . . what are you trying to get better from? - some days i struggle to eat - i shake n that before i attempt i just keep trying and gradually my body accepts it . . .

    enerjii
     
  3. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    EDNOS. I think. Not really been diagnosed. I starve for long periods of time and then I binge and then go back to starving. And I walk loads. Am loosing a lot of weight atm but yeah I don't know. I guess if I was underweight I would be ana purge as lax use occassionally to. But I'm not underweight and am a mod case of an ED. Eating is just so hard!

    Sam
    X
     
  4. nelly

    nelly Banned Member

    Hi .

    Im sorry you are having a hard time with the issue of eating. One mouthful at a time chew it and sllow and if you wasn to leave the second mouthful til later on then do that. its hard to thing you must eat it all right now. Give yourself a chance one bit at a time ok.
    Good luck
     
  5. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    nelly!!!! ive missed u. im so sorry. i no...i just i dont know.

    sam
    xxx
     
  6. enerjii

    enerjii Active Member

    i do exactly the same - people dont realise that when yu binge eat yu spend a lot of time starving - feeling not good enough to eat or not wanting to for other reasons and wanting to balance but finding it hard - i find the feeling of food difficult sometimes - so i get scientific and focus on the nutrients and think ok - ill eat this protein or whatever it is; eating is vital and so its especially hard if you have issues with it - i get so jealous of people who just dont have issues with food!!

    keep trying - !!!!

    Nelly is so right - i sometimes just have to focus on one mouthful at a time!

    enerjii
     
  7. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    Hey,

    Yeah I don't get how people can eat 3 meals a day. I don't even know what is a normal meal. Its nice to know someone understands. X
     
  8. enerjii

    enerjii Active Member

    yeah eating disorders are so complex - and most people that try to help - practically get so obssessed with the food themselves it makes it worse - like my mum staring at my plate and trying not too - or my boyfriend looking thru my shopping bags but pretending not too - i wish i could escape all that - i sometimes have to ask my parents to leave the room when i eat cos i get so stressed but i know family meals are important

    funnily renough at the moment the worst thing that keeps happening to me - is that our Bengal cat gets all whiny when i sit down to try to relax and eat something - he cat calls at me really loudly and i have to keep getting up to stop his attention seeking destructive behaviour! - its like he senses my anxiety - although it could just be he's jealous of my food!!!!!!

    its nice to talk to you about it - cos i am only just starting to be able to discuss issues with food myself - i was in denial for sooo many years

    take care
    enerjii
     
  9. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    hey,

    that is great :) that u are finally opening up to it. hmm have you tried feeding your cat when your sit down to eat?

    I have suffered for 7yrs coming up to 8 and I still have no help for it and been asking for 18months now. they want me to have psychotherapy and I am but food hasn't some up yet. It is hard wn people look through things and watch u. I live with two other girlsand we all eat separately and cook separately etc...coz we are all in at different times. so easier to hide it.

    Hows u?


    Sam
    xxx
     
  10. enerjii

    enerjii Active Member

    yes thanks - its hard to open up when not many people talk about it - although thats changing - thats a gr8 idea about feeding him first - i have tried but his meaty cat food makes me feel sick and my mum insists on having his bowl really near the table -argh!!! so i have to wait til the smell dies down - but still if i stuck to as nearer time as i could i think it would work - thanks (!) - also i guess i could when he is sleeping!

    its awful yu have had to suffer for all those years - without help - i am seeing a psychologist for therapy too (!) she phoned me about getting me to see a dietician just this week but its awful how untrained they are - she said they wont let anyone on the program unless they can have your exact weight beforehand (rulesrulesrules) - so she wanted to write that down str8 away over the phone (!) I said NO . . .

    i said that the whole point is not to make it all about chastising myself over what the scales say but about dealing with food and emotions and routines and stuff - she said she would talk to them to see if they would try to approach it almost the other way round - . . .

    they make yu feel as if you have failed b4 you even begin! I mean it maight take weeks to get to that step and i saw one years ago who was so controlling she screamed at me and her patients if we even said we had had sweetened soya milk or something - when i refused to fill out a food diary anymore she nearly exploded with rage - i mean how can i let control go to these people to trust them when they get even more wound up about food than i do! Its crazy. Maybe i should have given her some treatment regarding meditation and people skills and sensitivity. Further anxiety and humiliation make it worse - she had a draw of information leaflets but would not even let me look at them she was a control freak - not about food but its the same really. She told me to eat loads of low fat yoghurt - but they can be full of additives and more unhealthy than the other ones - some are full of sugar aswell. So i lost trust - but i have faith as there is a really nice energy emanating lady at my GPs who is a dietician - so i may see her if the one thru the psyche doesnt work out - like finding a good therapist i guess - but the system is frustrating . . .

    i think to myself that if these professionals cannot train people to be adaptable then when they get it wrong or need to update their advice they will not cope either so its hypocritical (soz bout this rant!!!!) ;)

    yes - i agree - its like giving up smoking with people checking your pockets for ciggies each day and watching not have one all day!!!

    yes i used to live with other people whilst at Uni and it is easier to hide it that way . . .
    i hope that you get all the support you need - cos you deserve so much positivity :)

    enerjii
     
  11. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    hey,

    I am really glad that you are getting some help...in terms of the dietician I really would advise you to go for it. I was told tat I couldn't have one because i didn't have a problem with my liver. lol. now I am told that because I have a wheat intolerance I can have one because there is a lot of stuff that is made from wheat...inc. soup and chocolate. soup is a safe food. I can have soup and as much as I want of it but everthing else is hard to deal with. does this make sense. And I always drink water and lots of it...hot and cold. :( I want to stop but I can't.

    I really would urge you to stick with the dietician and I know that you are wanting control but the dietician will work with you ad not against you...yes they will ask you to eat foods that you do not feel safe with but you must givet a go...just so u can gain conrol back from the ED. I wonder if it is u that wanted control over all your help rather than the other way around although I know there can be some people out there that are right idiots and naive about ED's. Please try and eat somethin even if it is little and often.

    Sam
    x
     
  12. enerjii

    enerjii Active Member

    thanks yes i do like working with people from a range of professions to get support - i will stick with it - i am soz that yu were told that you couldnt have 'one'; becos you didnt have a problem with your liver (!) - everyone should be able to get help . . .

    wow - i didnt know so many things have wheat in - i have food intolerances too but they are linked to my M.E. so are not classic intolerances but change like the wind (!) . . .

    your intolerance must be soooo hard to deal with - i eat so much wheat - woah -
    not counting all the stuff that has it in tht i dont know about - it must take so much time to still have a really varied diet

    so do you feel as tho you drink too much water? - i used to be a bit addicted to ice cold water but my dad kept telling me it was why i had tummy pains - i used to hate lukewarm water but now i love it - my parents are addicted to hot drinks - i wish they werent they get really angry if they cant have like ten to twenty a day - i hope you can balance your water intake - do you liike other drinks?

    i think you're right that with a good dietician they have to work with you so i shouldnt worry - yes - i will also try to eat more foods that worry me - yes i dont trust people much in general - so i get scared of even being with people - i have social phobia so i can smile a lot ironically and pretend to be happy - but normally i am panicking and feeling awful inside - and becos i pretend to be happy - no-one realises how miserable and dejected i get :(

    thanks for your encouragement as i think that i can accept this easier from you and others than from my family as there is so much negatve history there etc

    Kay (enerjii)
    x
     
  13. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    Hi,

    I think its easier to take it from a complete stranger because they don't really know u never lived with you and in our case never seen each other. People that know us that say nice things tend to make us feel like they have to say that especially if they are family members. Strangers don't have to say it or give advice but they do and we accept that a lot easier than we would from our family and friends.


    I love ice cold water although I used to hate water and don't really drink much. I hardly drink anything. Ever since a baby I hardly drank. Now I just don't eat or drink. Well hardly. I'm not a social phobic but being around people especially crowded places scare me. I pick up on everything words, looks, bodies, spaces, I can get hypertensive and will try and hide self in the smallest space of a corner where I can see everyone.


    How's ur eating 2day been? Have u tried to eat something?

    Hope ur ok kay

    Sam
    Xxx
     
  14. enerjii

    enerjii Active Member

    yes yur totally right - they come from a fresh perspective and background
    i used to hate water as a child - and would only ever drink orange squash - i only started drinking water in my late teens!!!!!!unbelievable!!!!!!! wow - i never used to drink much either - and yur right - cos my mother said i wouldnt even drink my milk as a baby - i hope that you can drink and eat more gradually. yes its the crowded places i dont like - like shopping centres and bus terminals and restaurants - i have lost so many friends cos they just dont understand why i get scared to go out

    they think not going out to "buzzing" places is boring - i like walks and doing quiet stuff so they all used to view me as "different" which is scary to social lovers and so i used to drink to give me condidence which turned me into an alcoholic, along with other reasons

    yes - i totally understand what yu mean about the hypersensitivity - and yes i too like to 'view the vista'; so to speak - i hate it, when people are behind me and i like to be aware of people . . . .

    its like how drs used to think that autistic children were underwhelmed so they couldnt communicate and know from adults and teenagers and some children who can communicate a bit they say its the completely the opposite they feel totally overhwelmed.

    thanks for asking ~ my eating yesterday was not too bad: - but i ate crisps which are my worst trigger food to binge so i need to ban them from the house again - and i struggled to eat any proper lunch or dinner - but i did eat fruit - my back was bad (prolapsed disc) so i felt annoyed and upset and couldnt stand up to cook for long or anything - so i need to make sure that i have things planned so that i can just stick something easy in the microwave next time . . . .

    i hope that you have a good day - let me know how yur feeling

    thanks
    kay
    xxxxx
     
  15. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    Hey,

    I'm sorry about your back. In terms of food could u not make soup or pasta and something. I make my own bolaganse and freeze it until I want it so heating it up isn't a big deal in terms of energy. Maybe when ur back isn't so sore u can do that to? Then u can split it into portions put pasta on and bolagnase in microwave and then ur back won't give u so much pain and maybe u'll feel like u can eat the food as you know exactly what's in it. Hmmm crisps are the same with me but that is coz they don't fill u up. I used to then follow it with 2 tubs of ben and jerries ice cream or just a box of cheap 2ltr ice cream and then the bread and butter etc... So I don't have any ice cream in the house and I haven't brought any more crisps since finished last packet. Thing is we shouldn't have to ban the foods because that helps the starving side of the ED to take over. Maybe what we should try and do is have crisps in the house and then only take one packet to a different room like the lounge and leave the rest in the kitchen. Then we could put on a dvd or something and say to ourselves right you can eat these as fast or as slow as you want but you are not getting another packet or anything else until this film/programme is finished. Program must be at least an hours long. Then after that u can try and make yourself a sandwich and then eat that and go and do somethingthing else. Then make dinner etc... Does this make sense?

    Yesterday I had the 2 oat cakes 2-3 handfuls of stale cruncy nut conflakes and a tin of tuna. Along with 2 hot waters. 1 herbal tea. 2 cold waters. I have to try and do better but I just don't seem to want the food. Today I woke up at 12 had a shower and just sat down to have my first thing of the day...a hot water. Its shite wish wasn't like this. Wish you were struggling either u deserve so much more.


    In terms of socialising I'm very much one on one or I go for a solo walk etc... I am getting used to crowds as I live in a city and my uni is in a city but it is still taking its toll. I couldn't sleep last night and managed to around 1.30. I have no idea where my flat mates are!

    Weighed self today to. I seem to be doing it at least once a day. I dread the scales but I dread putting on weight more.

    How's ur day going so far?

    Sam
    X
     
  16. enerjii

    enerjii Active Member

    oh thank yu - i need an operation but i have to lose loads of weight first - arghghghgh - so i have to get my eating and all sorted out cos its a vicious circle and i cannot excerise much becos of it -

    yes when i can focus i am quite good at making little portions of pasta and soup n stuff -i was thinking bout that the other day - so i will start this week!
    its a really good idea what you said, because; then if i have energy to cook i will,
    and then freeze some, . . . and then when i feel **** i can still have the goodness - especially if i dont want much!

    yu are also so spot on when yu said about - i will know whats in it!!!!! i dont trust some foods - esp frozen meals from the supermarket so i get in such a tizz over it that i am not relaxed to enjoy the meal and take in any nutrients because i am resenting the food and it often gives me indigestion . . .

    yes i agree the crisps leave yu empty so then a sugar desire comes - with choc or ice cream then more carbs and stuff - i think because i dont want much sometimes i think i'll have something rubbish but then it means snacking on rubbish all day and feeling emotionally wrecked and physically sick - so i guess opting for the small meals that are well balanced and fruit n stuff in between would be good

    i think also i used to hate some family meals as socially it was a nightmare for me - even as a child - arguements and pressure and being told off and having to finish by a certain time and i never loved the taste of meat and stuff so i used to dread that - i guess i have never really taken responsibility since for main meals properly because i have never transformed those negative feelings into positive possibilities - thats why i hate eating in public - i think omg i'm gonna be sick in front of everyone - its that humiliation thing

    yes i agree actually, yur correct that banning completely, sometimes leads to starving and longing and bigger unpredictable binges - i try if i have junk food now to always have it after a meal - then i fill to full to binge
    i also eat fruit with it - thts really clever about the dvd thing - yes - i have slowly begun to realise that that spacing and time is important . . . yes it makes sense
    distracting oneself by completing pleasurable and essential and worthwhile activities aswell as making healthy food and eating that and on and on - builds the positive balanced rhythm

    i woke up at eleven and avoided breakfast cos i felt tired (!) then ate lunch - tht was ok
    yu did really well yesterday
    could yu try v small prepared portions of stuff like a very small bowl of peanuts or some carrot sticks - and even a small glass of juice - even if you think yu wont do it just say "diverse nutrients will help me - down some go" and try not to think about anything when you do it? - different foodstuffs helping certain parts of the body - i try to focus on the good they are doing me; so as not to get too worried about not wanting them in me etc: - i think;; "well, i dereve to be nutrified, then i will feel better! - physical affecting my emotional resilience!

    yes i like to go out with one person, or on my own, and i have always lived in big cities and it has definately taken its toll (!) - i am gld yu feel asleep eventually . . . - i have had big periods of insomnia and i manage it weekly
    i try to keep relaxed about it, or, it gets out of hand for years at a time! I hope yu see your flatmates soon!

    my day is good but anxious as my parents return from hols today - so i want them too - but i dont in a way - - -~~~~~- - -

    Kay
    x
     
  17. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    Hey,

    Yeah that all sounds good. If you could find bouillon as well that would help its stock but also designed to drink and is full of vegetables and tastes like soup. I'm trying today had 3 rice cakes and peanut butter and 1 hot water 2 bouillions and just about to have a tea :) watching a dvd and doing some work. How's u? Wot are u up to? Have u managed to eat a lot today. Its a little harsh about them telling u u have to lose weight before the op but I guess its for ur saftey. Do u get physiotherapy just asking coz even by doing that it can help u get some exercise and help 2 lose some weight.



    Hope ur ok.

    Sam
    Xx
     
  18. enerjii

    enerjii Active Member

    hiya
    what a fab idea bouillon - i do like the taste and there is an organic one i like - i like miso also
    this will really suit me as i struggle as i may have mentioned b4 - with textures of things - sometimes i need thin texture and sometimes thick - so at least this way i would still be getting nutrients in
    rice cakes and peanut butter genuinely sound nice and yummy and . . . i feel happy when i know you are eating and drinking
    i am ok - my parents came home like two tired whirlwinds - they r quite mystifying!
    i have been focusing on keeping my daughter happy cos she has been on 1/2 term and is going back2school tomoro - and they r giving her a lot of work so she feels quite stressed
    i feel i need a week off just to snuggle up - watch some movies and dream dream dream!!!!
    i did manage to eat but it was pitterpatter and i struggled with dinner because i usually enjoy it but my daughter keeps making a fuss about eating her veggie proteins so when she starts piping up at the table it puts me off quite a bit! v frustrating - today she declared that she found her veggiemince "disgusting" and kept saying it tasted like sick - i tried to calm her then be firm . . . but she just wanted to eat her peas and potatoes - she asked for nectarines . . . she has said she will eat some tofu tomoro tho which she usually turns her nose up at~
    yes the weight thing i used 2b annoyed at th doctors for until a nurse told me that i could die on the table (OP) becos the weight puts pressure on the lungs when yu have the anaesthetic - and i have asthma so they wouldnt even go there
    so its crucial in case i need an emergency op and this back thing destroys my quality of life -
    yes i had physio once but it was mixed and kept making it a lot worse but i may try some more becos - again it depends on th person - and i liked her but she wanted to really rush thru the exercises and i am always a bit slow on the uptake with these things - still cant reverse park my car and i have been driving for 16yrs (gosh tht makes me feel old!) - i have rubbish spatial awareness - i never can get things the right way round! - esp movement instruction

    have a lovely daybe
    kay
    XxX
     
  19. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    Hey,

    Do you eat the same as your daughter do you cook the same thing for botg of you and have roughly the same portions as each other? Hmmm tofu is lower in calories than veggie mince so that could be part of it.

    Take a break hun. You are allowed to even if it is for half a day at a time. You need to take care of yourself to.

    Today is a busy day for me. I have 2 2hr lectures, psychotherapy (which I walk to and from to and it is at least 45min walk) then I am having a report session with a friend so I can bring her up to speed so she can do her coursework and hopefully I will be able to do mine in the long run am stressed with that so sympathise with your daughter. I don't finish til 5 today and start at 9 so a long day and not one that I find easy to find time to eat in.

    Just thinking next time your daughter says stuff like that maybe you should ask y she says it. Talk to Her about it. And if its to do with weight help her through it but not by if you eat then I will. Stress, worry, anxiety, can make people generally eat less or eat more than they usually do. On top of school work she is probably worried about you to.


    How r u? Hope your ok.

    Sam
    Xxx
     
  20. enerjii

    enerjii Active Member

    hi - busy day today my back ws bad and my parents are back and so they were catching up with loads - well my daughter has smaller portions - she is ten - but i do cook the same mainly - unless she wants something i dont eat like eggs etc

    yes i think yu could be on to something tho because - protein feels quite dense - so she once said that she was worried it was full of fat - i said "protein isnt fat!" its ok but she wouldnt believe me - so if she snacks she thinks that the food feels lighter so its ok but i have explained that even though her tummy may feel fuller - that protein will keep her going and then she wont feel hungry too quickly

    thats really sweet of you to say take a break - yes i am trying to feel less guilty about taking "time out" to recharge my batteries; as your right if i dont look after me aswell i cant have the energy to do lots for other people

    i hope your lectures went well - they can be so long! Walking to your psychotherapy is good - i hope the session in itself was beneficial. The report session aswell - yu did have a lot to do today so i hope you can get some rest this evening. Its hard as you say with a hectic schedule like today to find time to eat as yu need to in.

    Thanks i will talk to her without it being negative and your are correct that a lot of factors influence eating so i will try to think more on that aswell - i have noticed that since she says that they keep doing loads of tests at school that she has gone off her food again!

    hope your day went really well

    kay
    xx
     
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