Sad

[Lynns62]

Hi, I’m 59 years old and should be celebrating my Ruby wedding anniversary in June, I am 60 in July and my world has fallen apart. I have discovered during the COVID years that my husband is a cocaine addict, he is 61 years old!! We have a beautiful 29 year old daughter. Just before I made the discovery we sold our house to buy 6 acres of land to keep my horses. I was promised stables and money was no object as I was made redundant and had a nice payout, we were living in a static caravan on the land and life should have been good. Then I found out the truth, I worked with him and tried to help him but he lied, covered it up and long story short I ended up leaving him, renting a house and getting a part time job.
So many things have happened, he couldn’t cope without me, he threatened suicide so I got him into hospital, he was so bad. Eventually though I let him move in with me until he was stronger, that was 3 months ago, he is still using drugs but not as much but I don’t want him to take any. He was admitted for drug dependency and alcohol dependency, he hardly drinks but still takes cocaine.He smokes I lead a very health lifestyle and all I want is a quiet life and a husband who can function without drugs. I have told him he has to leave but cannot stand the defeated look on his face, it causes me so much pain because I feel I am hurting him. We should be comfortably off as he had a really good business which he lost due to his addiction, he is in debt, I am left with debts. Life is such a mess but I don’t know how to cut the ties. I feel like a broken record, my girl friends and daughter are amazing. I was so proud of myself for setting myself up in my little house but am now sharing it with him until he gets on his feet! I know all I’m really doing is enabling him, I suffer from depression but it is controlled but too often now I think of ending it all, I’m so tired, so far my daughter has kept me here but I’m scared that just one day/night I may succumb! Sorry for the essay, I get exhausted even typing it because I know I’ll be happier on my own but my happiness will cause his unhappiness, please can somebody make sense of it all for me?

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

Hi Lynn. I'm 53 and my husband is 63- we have been married almost 27 years. I really feel your pain here and I am so sorry this happened. Just when you should be starting a well-earned retirement you are dealing with this and it sounds so bitterly disappointing. I feel bad for your husband as well - to have plunged from being a successful business owner to losing everything due to drug addiction is a long way down, especially at his age. I am sorry you have debts as well. My own husband lost his career to a combination of a physical disability and the pandemic so we struggling by but that is another story. He is dependent on alcohol and marijuana but doesn't do either in amounts that most people would consider addiction. For instance, he drinks 3-4 cans of beer most nights.

If you're not doing this already, I would suggest seeing a professional, accredited counsellor about this. These days therapists have a lot more tools in their toolbox and should be able to give you an idea how to interact with your husband. I'm not sure allowing him to live with you temporarily would be enabling him but I don't know. You might also try Al-Anon or similar group for family members of addicts.

This kind of thing is so difficult when you are struggling with depression. But there is good support here and I hope things will improve for you.

Big hugs and best wishes,
Lauryn

 

[Greyghost]

My heart goes out to you @Lynns62 it must have been a hell of a shock to find this out, I'm so sorry to read about the knock-on effect it's had on you.

I think the question about whether you feel you are enabling him or not is only one you can answer, as you know him, we don't. However, as you made the brave decision to leave him and start a new life, that suggests in some way you were ready to move on. All the while he has somewhere to stay and is being looked after there is no incentive for him to try and help himself to get better, and that has to come from him. He has to want to beat his addiction. You can support him, but you can't fix his problems for him.

Please try and focus on getting support for yourself, whether that's help for the depression, for a partner of someone with an addiction, or both. Once you have support in place for yourself, you might be able to start thinking more clearly about the situation.

Good luck!

 

[KM76710]

@Lynns62

Sad to hear what is happening, but glad that you joined here and welcome. I hope that you will keep posting and getting to know the forum and people here because you will find support for yourself here.

 

[may71]

I know I’ll be happier on my own but my happiness will cause his unhappiness

Your death would be a disaster for you, your daughter, anyone that cares about you, and also for him.

If you leave him, you'll be happier, and if you tell him he can only come back if he's sober, that may be enough to encourage him to get clean.

That doesn't mean that kicking him out is guaranteed to work out great, but it definitely sounds like the better option.