same old sameold

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Cpt-Fantastic, Feb 3, 2011.

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  1. Cpt-Fantastic

    Cpt-Fantastic Banned Member

    spending nights behind my laptop, just bored to death no direction just usual patterns, poker, chess, sportsbetting, omegle, msn, porn, falling asleep on the couch sometime later. then waking up in my own sweat, wearing my raggidy shirt spilled with grenadeapple juice, unwashed hair, unbrushed teeth. breakfast, laptop doing the same shitty things i did before. making plans in my head, on my computer (fix car, fix bike, sell bike, do school, learn school, buy books) cant make a logical step to actually do something else, im afraid to fail, i suck. keep having dreams about primary school, the thoughts of the teacher putting me apart, being teased by the other kids, my stuff being taken by the teacher and distributed among the kids i hate the most, going into town always seeing someone i have known from years back, because its a small shitty town, where noone leaves its a black hole where useless people get sucked in and some people that achieve succes leave asap. i should have been among them i should have been there, there was this glorious future, but then things got fucked, and i can blame it on me, i should have gotten tested for add before but even then i was just a useless student. i never studied, i never did homework, i couldnt focus on it, had no place to study, no place to myself, there i go again, up with the excuses, its all accountable on me, im an idiot. everytime i make a plan i dont do it, i get afraid, i get stopped in my tracks and just retreat in my same old routine, and will probably do so untill i die, im useless to the world, the earlier i die, the least mistakes i can make and unburden the world of me.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    We all make mistakes and if each of us were honest with you, you would see how very serious ours have been...sounds like youare trying something new and that you can feel very proud of...here if you want to PM me...big hugs, J
     
  3. tappa

    tappa Well-Known Member

    It really pleases me to hear that your too scared to go through with your plans...it shows you dont want to die :) You want to live. Thats hope right there.
    Is there anyone you can talk to about how you feel? doctor? family and friends?
    :hug:
     
  4. Cpt-Fantastic

    Cpt-Fantastic Banned Member

    nice, just lost gambling on a tennis match, ffs. but it doesnt hurt anymore, what hurts me more that its a friday night and i have nowhere to be. there is no change, i know exactly how my next 20+weeks will be, sleep on the couch at 5 am, eat too much, gambling my money away, and not finishing school. i dont know i have this add test at 9th february, but i dont see the point what will happen is ill be diagnosed probably and then around march ill get some ritalin and well have to adjust dosages etc. etc. and then the school-year will be long and gone and there is just no point, even if i do make it this year, ill be 3 years older than the fellow new students, i just dont know, ive never been so low and there is little hope i dont want to die but living has become robotic monotone and toxic, and even then why would i go through the whole process, ill just fail miserably and it takes years before i can actually manage something, even if i do it perfect ill just be another brick in the wall if i do make it, there is no point.

    @sadeyes hey sadeyes, thanks i really appreciate your help and personal messages

    @tappa i have a psychologist, but its not a relationship as were i dont know, it just feels so clinical and businesslike there, like ordering help at mcdonalds, i dont like to tell my parents theyll just react strangely, either overreact or well i dont know, its just fucked.

    edit: im here now my dad is staring at the tv as usual, my sister is behind my laptop my dog is beside me, just an average friday night for a 20 year old.. im done for feeling like crap cant say anything, i wont i want to leave go somewhere, i can go to the other house that is for sale and be alone and get drunk, i havent used cocaine in months, thinking it was bad for me, well i have never performed as well as i did when i used cocaine, if i get enough of it ill go home, i dont care anymore for anything, its all pointless anyway, i need to go out, i need to go out with a bang.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 4, 2011
  5. Cpt-Fantastic

    Cpt-Fantastic Banned Member

    well at least just had enough energy left to hold a decent conversation without me shutting up too much or being a bored ass 3rd wheel talking. but i just know it wont last, i wont be like i used to be it just feels downhill. i cant hold the conversations i used to be able to without shutting down or feeling so lifeless that i wont be fun to be with

    edit: all i want is to sleep, i hope to dream dream of nice things like flying or jumping of high structures and instead of crashing float easily around and dreaming of love. holding hands, waking up next to someone, looking into their eyes, lips touching, the tingly butterflies
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 4, 2011
  6. Cpt-Fantastic

    Cpt-Fantastic Banned Member

    but then reality sinks in, and ive lost so much thinking back just hurts to think about the lost oppertunities and here just wasting youth i know nothing, im an idiot with no clue what to do
     
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