spending nights behind my laptop, just bored to death no direction just usual patterns, poker, chess, sportsbetting, omegle, msn, porn, falling asleep on the couch sometime later. then waking up in my own sweat, wearing my raggidy shirt spilled with grenadeapple juice, unwashed hair, unbrushed teeth. breakfast, laptop doing the same shitty things i did before. making plans in my head, on my computer (fix car, fix bike, sell bike, do school, learn school, buy books) cant make a logical step to actually do something else, im afraid to fail, i suck. keep having dreams about primary school, the thoughts of the teacher putting me apart, being teased by the other kids, my stuff being taken by the teacher and distributed among the kids i hate the most, going into town always seeing someone i have known from years back, because its a small shitty town, where noone leaves its a black hole where useless people get sucked in and some people that achieve succes leave asap. i should have been among them i should have been there, there was this glorious future, but then things got fucked, and i can blame it on me, i should have gotten tested for add before but even then i was just a useless student. i never studied, i never did homework, i couldnt focus on it, had no place to study, no place to myself, there i go again, up with the excuses, its all accountable on me, im an idiot. everytime i make a plan i dont do it, i get afraid, i get stopped in my tracks and just retreat in my same old routine, and will probably do so untill i die, im useless to the world, the earlier i die, the least mistakes i can make and unburden the world of me.