Scared and alone!

[girl_in_limbo]

I'm new to this forum, but I have no where else to turn. Right now I'm one breath away from suicide... its the only option left.

Ok, so my problem is... well I guess I should say the newest of my problems, is I just recently got an OWI(drunk driving). You may be thinking, well that happens to a lot of people not the end of the world. The thing is it doesn't happen to me... it can't. This is pushing me past my breaking point.

I've been depressed and suicidal for way too long, it tends to come and go as it pleases. I usually try to push through the tough times, I have slipped up a few times and tried to commit suicide, but it just never worked out right. Now I'm in a tough time and I don't think I can push through.

Why should I just keep on struggling through one event to know that its going to start over again. Every time I think I've actually beat this beast it comes back harder and meaner than the time before.

The hardest part is not having anyone to talk to. I am married, but I don't want to scare my husband. He is already very concerned about my mental stability and I don't really want him to understand the full severity. I have friends, but not many of them really know that I even have problems with depression/suicide, I hide it very well. I did have a counseler, but she pretty much told me there was nothing more she could do for me. So that leaves me scared and alone.

Oh perhaps I should mention that the reasons that I did not already just do the obvious(suicide). I do have 2 children that I love more than anything. I'm trying to figure out what would be best for them. Is it better to see your mother depressed all of the time or is it better to not see your mother at all? I feel like the second is the more favorable option. Its so hard. I'm so torn. I hate the fact that I'm alive, but I don't want to do anything that could possibly put my children in this same situation. Its tearing me up!

I sit here with a drink trying to at least feel numb for a little while. It is the only way I can make it. I wish I had something better... some pill that could numb everything. Then maybe I would be able to go on, but I don't have any of those magical pills so I am forced to contemplate.

I'm sorry if my thoughts are coming out so randomly, my head is just a whirlwind of thoughts right now.

 

[WildCherry]

First of all, welcome to the site!! I'm glad you decided to reach out for help here.

I know you're worried about telling your husband, b ut I think it's something you need to do. Hopefully he would be supportive and help you through the tough times.

Have you talked to a professional about how you feel? I know that thought can sometimes be scary and intimidating; but you deserve the help. You owe it to yourself, and to your kids, to do what you can to get better.

 

[girl_in_limbo]

I actually have had professional help several times in my life. The last time was about 2 years ago. After a few months she basically told me that there was nothing else she could do for me. The worst part is she wasn't the first therapist to say that to me. It often makes me wonder if I really am a lost cause. Am I so far down that no one can help me back up?

As far as talking to my husband, well he does know that I am depressed and he does know that I am going through a crisis now. He doesn't know just how bad things are. In the past when I have made implications of suicide or attempts he has called my mom. He doesn't know exactly how to handle the situations and he gets scared. I totally understand why, I don't expect anyone to be able to handle my "episodes". He knows that my mom has been there for me from the start of my mental demise(11 years ago). I just don't want her involved. She has done more than enough for me throughout my struggles and I just want to let her believe everything is fine.

I'm just having a really hard time right now. I feel so alone. I could be standing in a room full of my closest family and friends and I would still feel alone. I am so tired up putting up a happy front. The hardest is in front of my kids. It takes every ounce of energy I have to be "happy" in front of them. I don't want them to know the truth.

I really wanted to call a crisis hotline... and then I did, but I had to hang up as soon as a person came on the line. I decided I wouldn't even know what to say. I guess it was a dumb idea in the first place. I don't really want help, I just want some one to listen. I don't really believe that anything will help me get past this dark beast. I guess that's not entirely true, there is one thing...

 

[darkrider]

I just want to say I know how it is to feel alone :sad: Even around people.

Is there anyone who doesn't make you feel alone? Your husband, kids, parents? Maybe try and spend as much time with them as you can.

Have you tried medications in the past? I've had a councilor before and I agree they're not very good at all, especially not with depression. I mean, just going in every once in a while and sitting talking to someone, it's not surprising we can't connect to them.

 

[Acy]

Hi, there. Welcome to SF.

I'm sorry to hear how much you're hurting right now. It's tough sometimes, isn't it?

I don't think you're a lost cause at all. You have established a nice life for yourself: you've got a family, (mom, husband, children) and some friends. However, since you are suffering from depression with suicidal ideas/urges despite those successes, perhaps your depression is from brain chemistry gone wrong. Have you ever been on antidepressants? (Did they help?) If you haven't looked into that, maybe it's an idea to discuss with your doctor?

I've heard a number of people on SF say they feel alone (even in a group/with family/with friends). I've felt that way, for sure. And like you, there are others who have had therapists who eventually said, "I can't do anything more for you."

Three things occurred to me when I read what you say about the therapist's comment and your loneliness:

(i) depending on who is doing the therapy and who is paying for it, it may be "time-limited" therapy and based almost on "modules" for new coping skills for day-to-day stressors. Insurance companies and employee assistance programs really like this kind of therapy. It's short-term and aims to keep you from needing to come back, so it saves them money. When a therapist says, "I can't do anything more for you," perhaps it means, "My employer/group that pays me expects me to do short-term treatment." (Hmmm. Yeah. That's hard on the clients who need longer-term therapy to learn the skills or even a totally different approach to resolve their struggle.)

(ii) if a therapist is not doing a "short-term" therapy protocol, that sort of comment could be simple honesty about THEM, not about YOU. They don't know what to do next. They don't have the experience or know how. Therapists are not all equally skilled, so maybe they're just saying, "You need someone with more or different skills now." They haven't blamed you; they've clearly said they cannot do more, not that you can't go further. (There's a big difference there, right? :smile

and (iii) people need to be "ready inside" for the help they are offered. We are usually able to accept things on a rational level long before we can accept them on an emotional level. For a long time, I wasn't ready for the stuff that was offered. For as long as I didn't really try new ideas or keep at them a few times, I kept hitting a wall and feeling defeated. When I accepted that I had to participate on my own behalf, things slowly started to go better. Maybe the loneliness you feel is the universe's message that you are ready to take some of those first steps that only YOU can take on your own behalf.

So, I don't think you're a lost cause. I think it's scary when we get to the "first steps on our own" stage, but I also think they're worth overcoming the fear. And I know you can do it!

Stay safe, :hug:

A.

 

[girl_in_limbo]

Ok, so a brief history about myself may make my hopelessness a bit more understood and real.

My dance with the "dark beast" began about 11 years ago when I was 15. There were no real situational triggers, it just happened. I was seeing therapists and whatnot and taking I believe one med, maybe wellbutriun. My first real attempt at suicide was shortly after I started getting "professional" help. I took a bunch of sleeping pills on my lunch break and when back to school. Obviously it wasn't the most genius idea since when I passed out there were several people there and I was taken to the hospital. I did a short impatient stay and was then released. I'm pretty sure I was sent to a different therapist when I got out. Then I was pushed from one med to another. I don't even remember the different names. I do know that at one point I was on Lithium. My next attempt was probably 6 months later and this one was for real. It was late at night in the woods at a rural park, another OD but this time far more pills. I didn't ever want to wake up. I guess what happened was a police officer saw my car in the parking lot and found me in the woods. This time the state got involved. I was put in one impatient hospital for about 2 weeks and then shipped to another one for about 3 months. Out again, now I'm going to therapy daily and taking a plethora of different meds, not really feeling any better. So again another OD attempt and back for more impatient therapy. This time when I got release I was to drive 30 min. everyday to the place I was just released from for therapy. 2 weeks later OD on the way to therapy. I secretly hoped that I would die in the parking lot as a little F U, but apparently I walked inside and they realized that something was wrong so they called the paramedics and was taken to the hospital. If I would have sat in my car just 5 minutes longer I would not be in the misery that I am today. All of my case workers and therapists were starting to give up on me so they decided that ECT was my best option at ever living a normal life. So at the age of 17 I was given 6 treatments of ECT. The only effect it had on me was chunks of memory loss. Anyway the attempts of suicide continues for the next several years. Then when I was about 23 I started cutting. I love cutting, it is the best release I have found, well besides drinking. Anyway I was drunk and cutting and I cut far deeper than I had intended and my husband made me go to the E.R. and they suggested impatient therapy. I was only there for one day and then checked myself out.

Wow... I guess I just realized how pathetic this makes me sound, but its the truth and that's all I seem to have these days.

I understand that it seems like I should have a great life. I have a great husband, the two most beautiful, healthy children on the planet and a job that I love, but it all means nothing when I can't enjoy it. I'm sure that some may think I am selfish for having the thoughts that I have when I am living "the American dream".

Like I mentioned before cutting is one of the things that does make me feel a little better, but I can't anymore. Since I had to get stitches last time my husband tries to nonchalantly check for cuts. He thinks I don't notice, but I do. I don't want to upset him, so I have tried to refrain from cutting, but I feel like its the only think that would make me feel like I have some control over something, as crazy as that sounds. I feel out of control and alone.

I do however greatly appreciate that someone take the time to respond as this is the only place I can be myself and say the things that I really feel. I think I would have had a nervous breakdown had I not written today. I can only hold things in so long and then I feel like I will literally explode. Thank you very much for listening.

 

[Acy]

Aw, sweetie, that's a very hard journey!

It doesn't really sound like the "American Dream" to me. Yes, it's wonderful to have a great husband and terrific kids...but I know that even with good people around us, we can still feel lousy. (In my previous post, I just meant that you do have some successes in your life - so you're not a total waste, hun!) And you're not selfish for wanting the pain to end. I just hope that other options - in which you continue to live (happily) - come within your reach soon.

Your revolving door experiences with the hospitals and therapists sounds exhausting and frustrating to say the least. Have they ever given you a diagnosis, or do they just toss various meds (and ECT) at you? (Do the therapists ever even ask you if their remedies are working?)

I'm really glad you found SF. SF might not have solutions for you, but you will always find a place to vent here and a place to be real, and there will always be people here who will be very supportive.

:hug:

A.

 

[katmandu1]

Firstly...you are NOT alone!! Second...you are NOT pathetic!! You are in great pain and have been for quite a while. I,too, have been in and out of hospitals...had ECT...had different therapists and tons of different meds...used to cut and burn myself...tried to kill myself a number of times, so I do understand your frustration and your feelings of hopelessness. I'm so glad you found this site...it's a good one where you can talk about anything!!

It sounds to me like you haven't found the right therapist or Dr. yet. It took a long time, but I finally got on the right medication(I still get depressed, but not for as long or as deeply). You may just need to find the right meds. or combo of meds. Also, having a shrink to talk to is very helpful.

Your death would be devestating to your kids, husband and mother!! Your poor kids wouldn't understand why mommy seemed ok but then left them...they will wonder if it was something they did (that's how kids think). Your husband will blame himself for not being able to help you...same with your mom!!

I know you are in great pain hun!! But there are still some options to explore other than suicide. You can always kill yourself...but why not give some other things a try first before you give up!!! Keep talking to us in here! PM me if you want to talk...I'll listen! But most of all..hang on! :hug:

 

[girl_in_limbo]

Every "shrink" and therapist that I have seen has a different diagnosis for me. I've been diagnosed with things like, bipolar, major depression, anxiety, SAD, some kind of personality disorder, I don't really know them all. I guess it just doesn't matter really.

I have also tried so many medications and so many different combinations of meds, all while under close supervision and I never had any substantial results. I guess I don't have much faith in medication or in life in general.

I just don't understand how it can be fair... for me to be stuck here feeling the way I feel. I've worked very hard my whole life to be a good friend, mom, wife, and employee, and still I am punished everyday. Granted I have made some mistakes, but why don't I get to be happy like everyone else?

To make things go from bad to worse, I was looking up this medication that I had found in our cupboard. It was prescribed to my daughter last year to help her sleep... anyway, I wanted to find out about it and my husband saw me looking it up on the computer and now he is all worried. He thinks that I'm going to OD or something... although it does seem like a phenomenal idea right now, I don't want him to suspect anything. Now things are going to be weird on the home front.

As far as hurting my kids, they are both very young and think that my leaving may very well be chance for them to have a better life. My daughter who is 5 may be upset for a while, but she is very strong and would get over it very fast and my son is only 14 months so I doubt he would even know what is going on. I feel like me leaving is the best chance my kids have, right now I'm just a drag. Not just for them either, I'm a drag for my husband too. I emit a sour mood and it pulls them all down.

I must think some more. I need to make a decision about what is to happen. Again I thank you all for being to kind to me. Your words help me to take at least one more breath.

 

[girl_in_limbo]

Thank you to all who took the time to give me brief moments of security.. I have found a moment of complete clarity and understanding. I know what mus be done. I know how to make things "better". Who knew a few early morning drinks would make things so clear. AgainI thank you al!

 

[katmandu1]

I hope you are safe and will come back to talk to us some more. :hug:

 

[girl_in_limbo]

No need to worry, I didn't do anything drastic. I am feeling a sencse of comfort though. I have a pack a pills that I know will do the trick when the time comes. I am so sad that I have resorted to this, but its the only way. I know it will hurt those that care about me but it won't hurt them as much as I am hurting now.

 

[Godsdrummer]

No need to worry, I didn't do anything drastic. I am feeling a sencse of comfort though. I have a pack a pills that I know will do the trick when the time comes. I am so sad that I have resorted to this, but its the only way. I know it will hurt those that care about me but it won't hurt them as much as I am hurting now.

Well I am worried about those pills.

Are you in any kind of treatment?

If not, my suggestion would be to go to your local hospital ER, tell them of your plans, and hand them the pills. If you dont want to do that, then flush the pills down the toilet and call the Good Samaritans or the Suicide Hotline.

The reason I am saying that is that your life can and will get better. You just need a little help.

We all do!

Take care!

 

[girl_in_limbo]

I am currently not in any kind of treatment... as I am layed off from my job and have no health insurance and my husband and I cannot afford it. We had a brief discussion last night about the severity of my "problem" and what should be done, but there was never a decision made.

I can't go to the ER or anything like that, becuase I know that they will try to put me into some type of impatient therapy(I have a long long history). I don't have time for that, it is either all or nothing. I have 3 jobs and I can't take time off from them for something like "mental health". I don't want the people that I see day-to-day to know that I have struggles with somthing like this. They CAN'T know.

I also cannot get rid of the pills, that is the only happy thing that I have to hold on to right now. As long as I am in possesion of them I know that no matter what happens things will be ok. My big fear right now is for one of my close friends to get a little overly concerned and try to get help for me. This way I know I have a fast out.

I appreciate your optimism, but from my experiences things only get a little better to get a great deal worse. Its been an 11 year struggle and it seems that things will never get better "for real". I have had "a little help" for a long time and it has never made any real change. There is no reason that any person should struggle as long as I have to be happy. I have finally accepted my fate and because of that I do feel a sense of inner peace.

I know the time will come soon. I have started cutting and drinking heavily again. I can't go on like this.

I must be happier in the next life.

 

[greyroses]

Every "shrink" and therapist that I have seen has a different diagnosis for me. I've been diagnosed with things like, bipolar, major depression, anxiety, SAD, some kind of personality disorder, I don't really know them all. I guess it just doesn't matter really.

I have also tried so many medications and so many different combinations of meds, all while under close supervision and I never had any substantial results. I guess I don't have much faith in medication or in life in general.

I just don't understand how it can be fair... for me to be stuck here feeling the way I feel. I've worked very hard my whole life to be a good friend, mom, wife, and employee, and still I am punished everyday. Granted I have made some mistakes, but why don't I get to be happy like everyone else?

To make things go from bad to worse, I was looking up this medication that I had found in our cupboard. It was prescribed to my daughter last year to help her sleep... anyway, I wanted to find out about it and my husband saw me looking it up on the computer and now he is all worried. He thinks that I'm going to OD or something... although it does seem like a phenomenal idea right now, I don't want him to suspect anything. Now things are going to be weird on the home front.

As far as hurting my kids, they are both very young and think that my leaving may very well be chance for them to have a better life. My daughter who is 5 may be upset for a while, but she is very strong and would get over it very fast and my son is only 14 months so I doubt he would even know what is going on. I feel like me leaving is the best chance my kids have, right now I'm just a drag. Not just for them either, I'm a drag for my husband too. I emit a sour mood and it pulls them all down.

I must think some more. I need to make a decision about what is to happen. Again I thank you all for being to kind to me. Your words help me to take at least one more breath.

Sorry, you probably wont even read this but I want to let you know it will have a huge negative impact on your children so dont try to delude yourself about that, period. It will leave a deep and lasting impact that you can never take back. Take whatever it is thats is holding you down and let go of it. For example, why not take a trip outside of the country, find a place you love and maybe even stay for awhile. Or find a new hobby or a way to help others in a big way that gives you fulfillment.
Anyway.
Best

 

[girl_in_limbo]

I wish it was as simple as a short vacation or visiting a place I love to go. I wish...
I also wish I could pinpoint the "thing" that is holding me down. I think that right now I am my own worst enemy.

The only place that I truly love to go right now(well besides for the bar near my home that opens at 6:00am) is the place I know I will breath my last breaths of life. I visit the location daily, it is comforting to me, as well as empowering.

Living is the hardest thing for me right now!

I know my close friends are worried as they are texting me everyday to see how I am doing. I am scared that they will soon take action and I won't have a chance to "get away".

..... I don't even know what I am doing anymore. I can't think so I drink and then I seem to think way too much. What the fuck is my problem.......... I just want it to be done with..................

 

[Godsdrummer]

You said you were laid off from your job, but then you said you have 3 jobs.

I understand the health insurance deal. I also understand the worry about what people might think. But if you went to the hospital and they put in for treatment (which is the best thing for you right now), those people, you worry about, coworkers and so on, arent going to know why you are at the hospital.

And so what if they did. I have found my coworkers to be very sympathetic and helpful since my attempt.

As far the helath insurance thing goes. Screw it.. You can always file bankrucpty on them if you have to.

You NEED TO BE THERE FOR YOUR KIDS!!!!! You can do this. You have to do this.

And...you dont know what the future will hold. And those folks in the hospital can help you, if you are open minded enough to listen to what they have to say.

The other option, is to not go to the hospital, keep working, throw those pills away, (I know you say they make you happy, but your kids should be the focus of your happiness), and live for your kids!

 

[girl_in_limbo]

I'm sorry to confuse you on my employment status. I am temporarily laid off from my full time job, but I sell jewelry out of my house and I just got a job at a green house(I haven't started working yet).

Anyway I just had a really bad situation. Earlier today I had email someone about finding a place to get some free "help", as even I can see that I need it. Next thing you know the police are knocking at my door. Whoever it was that I emailed called the cops in my town to come and check up on me. It took me nearly a half of an hour to get them to finally leave. This is horrible! I want help but not like that. Now I feel worse than ever. WHAT THE FUCK! I just want to talk to someone, to be able to spill everything that is boiling up inside me out, but I can't seem to find them. I'm going to explode!

My kids are the sunshine in my life, but I have lived the past 5 years solely for them and I'm tired... I just can't.

I don't want this to sound like I am looking for attention/pity, because that's not what I want. I just want things to be different and I have NO ONE else who will listen.

Those damn pills just keep smiling at me. I'm scared, but I have no where else to go.

 

[greyroses]

if the pills keep flirting with you and you want to live for your kids then get rid of them. make them not an option and dig your way to another. im cheering for you!

 

[girl_in_limbo]

Sad thing is they are the only option.

I would love to live for my kids, but I can't... its not an option anymore.