Scarred (WARNING MAY TRIGGER)

Discussion in 'Bullying and Violence' started by BrokenRose, Nov 11, 2012.

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  1. BrokenRose

    BrokenRose Member

    Sorry this is a very long post. This happened to me and has scarred me badly. I had suffered clinical depression on and off for a few years, but this event gave me severe depression. It happened a year ago at a so called friends birthday drink up, where a boy the same age as me quite badly sexually bullied me. I didn't like him much when I met him, hes a pretty attention - seeking kind of person, he tried to entertain everyone by prank calling escort agencies, asking for escorts and sending them to someone elses address, he made a crude joke about sleeping with very young girls, which made me feel very uncomfortable to say the least, he then spent about an hour complaining about being sexually fustrated, before turning his attention on me. He started first making fun of me for being a virgin, saying things like 'you would have to put a paper bag over her head for me to f*** her' and saying how much you would have to pay him to have sex with me, and saying I was gay etc etc. He kept telling me how ugly I was, which I found confusing to be honest as most people tell me I'm extremely pretty and get told I look 'angelic'. Every thing about me he could think of that was wrong and he seemed hell bent on convincing me I was gay. This went on for ages, and everyone was backing him like they was all in awe of him for some reason. He started saying the nastiest things you could think of most of which is too explicit for me to write here, incase I end up offending someone. I was really shocked and found it hard to deal with, being a person who is sometimes very shy and of a timid nature. Its like he just met me and hated me for some reason I will never understand. When he couldn't get much of a reaction out of me anymore he tried to force me to suck a dildo, saying he would rape me with it if I didn't. I cried and got really upset saying I didn't want to, but he wouldn't take no for an answer and every time I stopped he was threatening. When I cried I thought it would make him feel sorry for me but it just made him happier. I knew he would do what he said he would do if I didn't do what he said and didn't think anyone would stop him. It was humiliating and degrading and infront of everyone, I don't know how long it went on for but it felt like ages. He filmed this on his phone. I felt really dazed and confused after this night. I dealt with it well at first and didn't cry about it. For some reason I threw away all my clothes and the shoes that I was wearing that night. I don't know why I done this maybe because it would make it like it never happened.

    I thought it was all over, but the worst was yet to come. A few days later he started messaging me on facebook saying he wanted money otherwise he was going to post the video he had made on facebook and tag hundreds of people in it so quote 'everyone can see what a dirty little virgin you are who doesn't even know how to suck c*** hahaha'. It was £35 at first then it was £50, I panicked as I didn't have the money, but he kept tormenting me with messages and I had a panick attack eventually I came up with the money. He sent the girl I had been friends with whose birthday it had been to come and pick up the money, as quote 'I don't want to be seen with you as I have a rep to keep up'. He said he would delete the video after he got his money. Just when I thought it was over again, he messaged me again saying he still had the video and wanted £100 otherwise it was going on facebook. I had no way of getting this money, and was pleading with him to just leave me alone and that I had done nothing to him and asking why he hated me so much when he barely knew me and I barely knew him. But once again he wouldn't take no for an answer and continued tormenting me with cruel messages and demanding his money. I was so distressed I can't describe it. I threatened to jump infront of a train, to which he told me this was a 'very good idea'. I have never come so close to taking my own life until then, and fully intended to,but I was too much of a coward to kick the chair over. The whole thing culminated in me attempting to section myself as I was unable to cope with all the torment. Some how I came up with the £100 and he sent my ex friend to pick it up off me.

    I feel I lost a part of me I will never get back, I pushed it to the back of my head for a long time but it still haunts me and the pain and anger is pretty raw. I struggle to deal with these emotions and wish I could go back to being the person I was before all of this happened to me. I still find it very hard to accept this happened to me. In my opinion the best way to deal with things in your past is to accept that they happened and that these things that happened to you make you who you are and then they lose their impact and you stop thinking about them, but this is much easier said then done and I struggle to do this. I felt like I had no control at all, and its horrible having someone have so much power over you like this.

    Since these events I bumped into him in town about 5 months ago, I lost my temper and swore at him, he started rubbing salt in the wounds by saying 'do remember when I made you shove that dildo in your mouth and you cried and said you didn't wanna you freak', he called me a weirdo and kept saying 'your a freak!!'. He said 'I know people you silly little girl!' then informed me that he was sending a girl to come and 'smack me in the mouth' for mouthing off at him. Its not nice for anyone being called a freak, but is pretty hard for me, as despite having an extremely high IQ (116 to be precise, meaning I tecnically have what they call 'superior intelligence'), and AS - levels I have a neurological condition called 'dyspraxia'. This is classified as a learning difficulty, and has always made me feel different to other people my own age, it means I am very immature for someone my age and sometimes behave like a child, have slightly impaired social skills, tend to take things literally, limited spacial awareness, very bad short term memory and find it hard to follow instructions given to me, and my brain has a lower processing speed.' People sometimes don't believe me when I tell them the age I am, because I act, talk and look younger. It effects my behaviour and sometimes people think I am stoned when Im not and rarely smoke weed. I get told I am 'sweet and innocent', which is a pretty ironic way to describe someone who listens to heavy metal, has abused recreational drugs and makes a nice living shoplifting. I thought I had an autistic spectrum disorder, but am told I don't classify for this as I have too good verbal reasoning and my social skills are too advanced to have aspergers. I feel I am quite a likeable person in general and get told I am 'funny' and 'really pretty' and I seem to have the ability to form intense interpersonal relationships with certain people I 'click' with.

    However, what happened still gets to me, he took away my dignity and shattered my self -esteem. I find it hard to deal with the fact I came so close to taking my own life and nearly did. I don't understand how someone could have such a lack of compassion and be so cruel. I realise he probably wanted to have power over someone else to make himself feel better about his own problems, he was also bullied at school and has teeth missing at the back of his mouth because of this and in my opinion suffers from NPD. But knowing this still don't make me feel any better about what he done to me. Weirdly, its actually the blackmail that gets to me more, I think this is because it was just sheer torment. My ex friend who I no longer have any contact with justified what happened with ' it was all just banter that one night' and that the boy who done it is the only ""normal"" person she talks to. I really wish I could forget what happened but it seems to have really scarred me.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 11, 2012
  2. silent_chaos

    silent_chaos Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you had to go threw that. This is a warm and safe place to talk. There are many great people to talk to here. Hang in there. Hugs
     
  3. BrokenRose

    BrokenRose Member

    Hugs Its just all the anger and hate I feel and keep locked up inside of me it never goes away. Feel broken by it all
     
  4. xsomewhatdamagedx

    xsomewhatdamagedx Well-Known Member

    It's not your fault for the cruelty you have had to endue please remember that you have done nothing wrong and you don't deserve to be treated so horribly.
     
  5. BrokenRose

    BrokenRose Member

    I know its not my fault now, but can't help blaming myself sometimes for being such a weak person. It makes me so angry because he made me feel like nothing and I am a human being. He made me feel like the most pathetic worthless person who ever lived. I feel really suicidal right now because I had to talk about it in counselling today and its on my mind. I just keep thinking why me? And wish i had never gone to that party, or met the horrible girl who was my friend. I cant deal with it.
     
  6. xsomewhatdamagedx

    xsomewhatdamagedx Well-Known Member

    I know that it doesn't help when I say that it wasn't your fault but it's the truth and he is the only one in the wrong here he hurt you in a truly terrible way which says a lot about him.You are not a weak person at all I swear, he's the one who has gone out of his way to be inhuman to you and he is a cruel heartless sadistic bully who preys on people and that is NOT your fault you are only human and he is the one who is totally in the wrong and please remember that no one has the right do dehumanise you and you are so much stronger than you think.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 12, 2012
  7. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Have you still got his threatening messages? Because if you have, take them to the police.
    His behaviour is outrageous, immoral and illegal and he needs a bloody good thumping if you ask me :mad: but as we can no longer mete out that kind of thing, then the law is our next resource.

    I don't know what kind of crowd this was that you were with, but what a cowardly bunch!
    All it takes is for one person to have the balls to say "enough" and bullies like this would be obsolete, what a shame not one of them had any backbone.

    Even if you don't have the threatening messages, I would see a rape counsellor.
    I know it wasn't physical rape, but he has raped your mind and that has far reaching effects if not dealt with.

    I only wish I had been there because he'd have been picking up his front teeth with his broken arm :mad:
     
  8. BrokenRose

    BrokenRose Member

    I do still have all the messages, I made sure to keep all twenty pages of them, and found the guts to go to the police about it a couple months ago. He was arrested and bailed denying almost all of it. He was very clever when he was doing the blackmail, using someone elses facebook. I have been told by the police that they need to talk to the girl whose facebook he used, but they are taking their sweet time, and still haven't got round to it. However I do have a message from him direct from his facebook, where he admits the sexual offence part, this was from when he was trying to rub my face in it saying ' do remember when I made you .. etc etc'. If he got prosecuted I am told it would be for 'blackmail', 'coersing sexual engagement' and 'filming without consent'. I really hope he is found guilty and I get some justice.
    I agree I do feel like he raped me mentally, which is very difficult for me to accept. Also they say blackmail is essentially 'raping someones soul'. I feel it would help to see a rape counsellor but fear they would not take me seriously as it was not physical rape. It was a sadistic thing to do, he is one of those people who is very proud of being a 'bully'. He thinks people who are different or "freaks" like me deserve to be punished and bullied. I don't understand why he had to take it so far and make it 'sexual', if he had just said all the nasty things he had to say and leave it at that I would have been able to get over this.
    To be honest I am ashamed I used to call this girl my friend, when she could of helped and didn't, she weren't much a part of it as she was laying on the sofa and facing the wall whilst it was going on because she felt really ill, but she knew what was going on and let him abuse me. I feel they were all cowards really, I would never sit back and let anyone be abused in such a way.
    I knew it would take time to get over this but it has been a year now, though I did manage to block it all out for about five months after it happened.
     
  9. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Don't worry that rape crisis wouldnt take this seriously, because they will.
    You feel just as violated and will be going through the same thing that a rape victim goes through.

    Am glad u went to the police :smile: this means you are NOT a victim and are fighting back.
    Fighting back will help you heal.

    Why did he do it, because he's a little man with a tiny penis and a vicious soul :mad:
    Some day this will come back to haunt him and I hope it haunts him good!
     
  10. xsomewhatdamagedx

    xsomewhatdamagedx Well-Known Member

    I absolutely agree with everything terry has said especially the tiny penis vicious soul part because I'm definitely certain that's true.I'm glad you have proof to back you up and hopefully you will be able to print it all out so that evil s.o.b won't have a leg to stand on.
     
  11. BrokenRose

    BrokenRose Member

    Hopefully, I am glad I kept all the evidence atleast, and am going to call the police to see whats going on tomorrow. And I think I will speak to a rape counsellor, because I am trapped in my mind thinking about what happened. I had never experienced anything like this before. And I too agree about the tiny penus thing. I think hes sees what he done as just bullying not sexual abuse, as he kept messaging me 'haha u got bullied'. I suffer unwanted thoughts about what happened all the time, and I hate how the experience has changed me. I just want to be the girl I was before this happened. :( :(
     
  12. xsomewhatdamagedx

    xsomewhatdamagedx Well-Known Member

    Karma has a way of dealing with evil idiots like him and he won't keep getting away with doing this to you and to be honest he sounds like the sort of sicko who may have done this sort of thing before (I really hope that I'm wrong about that)but with the way he has acted and what he has done I'm sure that he has victimised girls before.Don't let him take any more of who you used to be, you deserve to be happy and secure and you deserve friends who will protect and take care of you.
     
  13. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I'm still fuming over this :mad:

    You can bet your bottom dollar he's done this, or something like it, before. :mad:

    Time to take back your power!
    Press the police to get a wriggle on.
    Sort out the counsellor.
    Take up some sort of self defence, I used to do martial arts, not so you can beat the fucker up (though wouldnt that be nice :devil: )
    but it will give you confidence and you would be able to defend yourself if someone got nasty.
     
  14. BrokenRose

    BrokenRose Member

    I no longer associate with scummy people, like my former friend. And I hope karma does come and hit him, with a bus would be nice. I don't know if I mention but the facebook he used was my ex friends, and she is unwilling to cooperate with the police so I am told she too will be arrested. Which does not bother me in the slightest.
    And yeah, I have been looking into starting Brazillian jiu-jitsu, now that you mention it. Its a mainly defensive form of fighting, and kung fu and taikwando also sound good.
     
  15. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    :biggrin: YOU GO GIRL!

    I did kung fu and very handy it was too!
    Some dirty old man stuck his hand up my skirt (in the middle of the street) and I reacted automatically with an elbow to the solar plexus man doubles over, just in time to receive my fist on his nose.
    Man on floor, me sailing away :rofl: and I didnt even need to turn round!
     
  16. BrokenRose

    BrokenRose Member

    Im sure that taught him! Id love to be able to do that, how long does it take to get good at kung fu? Im thinking either kung fu or brazillian jiu-jitsu or maybe both.
     
  17. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I did it for years, my dad wanted me to be able to handle myself living in the centre of London.
    But within a year I was able to block an attack and put an opponent down if need be.
    Nothing wrong in doing two styles either, should opponent actually be a practioner your other style may give you the edge.
     
  18. BrokenRose

    BrokenRose Member

    Thats pretty cool. Im definately going to book myself some lessons :D. Im taking up both. I want to get really good at it, that way if some twisted sicko ever tries anything like this again I'll send em flying. :laugh:
     
  19. redfiredsoul

    redfiredsoul New Member

    Self defense is also great for building higher self esteem and self respect. I would def recommend it!
     
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