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Scattering her ashes

Rosie21098

Active Member
#1
I grew up with an abusive mother who was severely bipolar and depressed. My father didn't want to know me so I only lived with my mum. She'd hoard rubbish like empty cans, crisp wrappers, etc. and this gradually got worse to when the rubbish would be pilled up to the ceiling and my bedroom would be filled with rubbish bags that she'd never throw away. I was never allowed to sleep in my own bedroom or get dressed in another room, I always had to sleep in hers, even when I was 13 and when I told her that I wanted my own room I would be verbally abused. At first, when she was having an episode, she'd drive me somewhere and then chuck me out of the car and lock it and threaten to drive away. She'd lock me upstairs when she had her friends over and scream at me if I ever wanted to come down. Things just got worse. She would hit me, throw knives at me, pull my hair and say things like "I wish you were never born" and would even tell me that she was giving me to my father, even though he doesn't want me. She would never cook me food, I'd only have crisps or chocolate while she had takeaways. I used to be so hungry so sometimes I would take food upstairs to eat it without her knowing. Once I took a small Easter egg because I didn't eat the whole day and when she found out she started shouting, if I didn't answer her she'd have another go at me, and when I did reply she told me to shut up and put her hands over my mouth and dug her nails into my face. When she noticed she had taken away a chunk of my skin she said I deserved it, 10 seconds later she pulled over and phoned my grandmother saying I done it with a hairbrush.

My grandmother knew the truth and she knew what my mother was doing to me (and herself) but she never did anything, she'd often take sides with her. I took a picture of our house and showed her. My mother disowned me and threw me out of the house. I tried everything I could to get her help but she denied that there was anything wrong. She went to the doctors and things started to get better and I moved back in. I did everything I could to look after her but she stopped taking her anti-depressants and things spiraled. I was too scared to say anything. One night she tried to lock me in our living room, I tried to get out by stepping over her but accidentally kicked her eye, she chucked me out of the house at night. She then found me and took me home where she tried to strangle me. Within minutes she had forgotten what she had done. I told her I couldn't cope with this anymore. She kicked me out again and said she never wanted me back. I never saw her again. I had it all planned out in my head how I was going to come home from school a few days later and give her a big hug but instead, I come home to the news that she was dead. The tests came back inconclusive. I still don't know how she died but from reading things it's likely that it's related to the mental health condition that caused her hoarding.

After she died I went to live with my grandparents - I had always lived with them. I quite literally went from one extreme to the other, one life to the other. I had always promised myself that I would never let any of this hold me back and I haven't in a lot of ways. I had all A's at A-Level and unis wanted to pay me to go there and I'm now studying to become an interpreter. You would never know I had been through all of this. Of course, I am proud of myself. But sometimes, particularly when I think about it all, I question how I am able to do it because really I shouldn't be able to. Sometimes I feel guilty for now being happy. It feels as if I should be - shouldn't this be affecting every aspect of my life? More recently I have had to come to terms with it all. For years I thought that if I didn't think about it I would be fine. As much as I don't want it to affect me, it has affected me subconsciously. Over the last few years, I noticed that I couldn't really remember what happened. I knew that it happened but I couldn't remember it and the parts I could remember I felt no emotion and I suffered from emotional flashbacks. A few months ago, my memory gradually came back after encountering two triggers in a short period of time. I could hardly do anything for 2 weeks and began to suffer visual flashbacks. After seeing the doctor I am now waiting for treatment but I feel better than I ever have. Better than I was even before my memory came back. I am determined to begin to move on with my life. I realised the other day that I still have about half of her ashes. I asked to keep some because they would be the only thing I have. I don't have photos, except ones from when I was quite young, and obviously very few good memories. I never wanted to scatter them, I was always going to keep them but now I've started to consider it. Thinking about it makes me feel 'free' - if that makes sense? Like she's finally gone. It's over and I'm safe. The last part of her is gone. Like my control is back. I was going to do in the places she used to take me when she was in a good place. This wouldn't be me venting my anger. Is this a good idea? There's lots of stuff out there about scattering ashes, but very little in this context.
 

Walker

Admin-a-monkey
Staff member
ADMIN
SF Social Media
SF Supporter
#2
Hi there
I'm sorry to hear about the horrible abuses you endured as a younger kid. That shit is just terrible.

Your question here is "shouldn't this affect me more?" and the answer is simply, no. It should affect you at the level that it does on any given day. Every person is different and you don't have to feel like you "should" feel any which way. You are getting on well now and thriving in your environment. You don't have to feel any certain way about that.

I know someone who has been abused on a level you really only seen in news stories and that person is (really quite) a pretty functioning person. Full time job, sustains relationships with others well, is a great parent, etc. This person says they remember and can call up those thoughts but choose not to. When they come up, they push it off to the side and keep going. (Makes it sound so easy!)

Yet then I know a great many people who've endured much "less", for lack of better term, abusive things and they feel absolutely terrible every single day from it after decades. They're affected by those abusive behaviors day and night and are terrified of the persons that caused it still. It's a deeply personal thing, right?

Regarding scattering her ashes: are you looking for closure? You seem to have somewhat forgotten that you even had these ashes around for a while. It just depends on what you want to achieve by letting that part of things go. I vote you skip looking online and look inside yourself for the answer. If you don't need them for anything sentimental or you feel like this provides you with closure then absolutely - go for it. If you think someone else in the family wants them (no idea who that would be) then do that.

Let us know what you're thinking...or what you decide. *hug
 

Rosie21098

Active Member
#3
Hi there
I'm sorry to hear about the horrible abuses you endured as a younger kid. That shit is just terrible.

Your question here is "shouldn't this affect me more?" and the answer is simply, no. It should affect you at the level that it does on any given day. Every person is different and you don't have to feel like you "should" feel any which way. You are getting on well now and thriving in your environment. You don't have to feel any certain way about that.

I know someone who has been abused on a level you really only seen in news stories and that person is (really quite) a pretty functioning person. Full time job, sustains relationships with others well, is a great parent, etc. This person says they remember and can call up those thoughts but choose not to. When they come up, they push it off to the side and keep going. (Makes it sound so easy!)

Yet then I know a great many people who've endured much "less", for lack of better term, abusive things and they feel absolutely terrible every single day from it after decades. They're affected by those abusive behaviors day and night and are terrified of the persons that caused it still. It's a deeply personal thing, right?

Regarding scattering her ashes: are you looking for closure? You seem to have somewhat forgotten that you even had these ashes around for a while. It just depends on what you want to achieve by letting that part of things go. I vote you skip looking online and look inside yourself for the answer. If you don't need them for anything sentimental or you feel like this provides you with closure then absolutely - go for it. If you think someone else in the family wants them (no idea who that would be) then do that.

Let us know what you're thinking...or what you decide. *hug
I always knew that I had her ashes and they were placed somewhere where I saw them every day. As my memory slowly came back I put them in a draw as it gets harder to look at them and it feels weird with them there. I have been thinking recently about what I would do right now if she was still here because what annoys me the most is when people can't see past the fact that she is dead and that is all that matters. The truth is that I would probably not have her in my life. I don't see why her being dead should change that. I feel that I need to be able to end this. Her ashes are the only thing I have left. I have no reason to hold on to them but even reason to begin to move on completely. Just thinking about it makes me feel better - as though she really is not here anymore and my life can carry on. Obviously, I'll think more about this before I do anything for sure.
 

Walker

Admin-a-monkey
Staff member
ADMIN
SF Social Media
SF Supporter
#4
Sounds like you've got a really great handle on this and (somewhat) have your mind in the right place for letting the ashes go.
Wishing you well.
 

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