College started 3 weeks ago and it’s not as bad as i thought. At the beginning it was so peaceful in fact that i went the 1st 2 days completely without any suicidal thoughts. That was before i realised that i wasn’t making any friends. The only girl in my class i’ve talked to was very chatty. She came up to me on the first day and wanted to be friends with me. Problem is that she has no interest in me as a person whatsoever. She has never asked me anything personal, like ever. She’s asked me what country i’m from, how many siblings and for some reason, what my surname means?? I asked her what her music taste is like on the second day but she just answered “i just listen to anything that sounds nice” and i figured we have nothing in common because of all singers she had an olivia rodrigo shirt on. I figured out at the end of the second day that i didn’t want to be friends with her because one lesson she tried to make me sit at the end of the table next to her, away from the other girls which i found very weird but then also when we were given another break by our teacher and i went, she claimed that i was “leaving her behind”. I told her she could come with me but she just sat there. It might not have irritated me so much if she had really shown any interest in me as a person before thinking she had some sort of claim to me. Meanwhile, 4 of the girls in my class actually seem like really cool people. They all dress alternative, each with their own styles and they all like mcr and nirvana and green day. I’ve wanted to talk to them since the first day but i just can’t. I think for once i realise i’m the problem and can’t blame anyone else for my failures. All i really have to do is just talk to them (i like nirvana too) but i feels impossible. I don’t think it helps that they’re already best friends. They go everywhere together; they go to lunch together, they go to the toilets together they had a groupchat as early as the second week maybe earlier, they send each other funny videos ect. I’m not even remotely appealing to talk to either. I don’t know how to smile at people or try to join their conversations so i doubt they’d ever go up to me. I was at their table in class and they were talking about hating ed sheeran and i thought of something funny to say but i just sat there in silence. I convinced myself before school started that i have until november to make friends because thats usually when everyone gets settled but i haven’t been given that much time. It’s october very soon and i haven’t gotten anywhere. I’ve just spent the whole time trying to get that one girl off my back. Every single time she comes up to me, all she has to say is “we are the only two black people here” which was her conversation starter on the first day. She never says anything else to me, ever. It’s as if i’m some novelty item to her. If i’ve learned anything this past month it’s that i am an entire failure and that this is probably just karma from being an asshole in the past (which i still haven’t even apologised for, given the oppurtunity) so there’s at least some peace in knowing i pretty much deserve all of this. Worst of all i don’t know how to appreciate anything. That side of me is gone. I used to try so hard to be positive but it doesn’t work anymore. If this took place a year ago i’d have been overjoyed about the fact that i’m not being bullied and that my family is much much nicer now and i can hang out alone in the library at lunch time and everything in between but i can’t convince myself i’m happy anymore, and i can’t try to convince myself it will all be okay because things are just “supposed” to work out for me like before. It just doesn’t work like that and it never will again. I’m just exhausted. I’ve spent the last two days at school literally googling methods mid lesson because it’s the only thing that helps other than music.
