Screw This Life When...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by W Miller, Sep 3, 2014.

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  1. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member

    EVERYTHING, and EVERYTHING was a huge lie. I lied myself to get by, so another person (even just 1) could be happy at my expense.

    When you can no longer see anything good. There's no hope for a queer in this world with ED.

    I've finally gotten it though (My) thick skull. The empty skull. No brains, feelings, emotions, or, anything that resembles a human being. When this hits, when the fuck do you (I) say to just stop. Let the chips fall where they may. What did I make bad judgement calls, because I'm an idiot.

    Is there a God, Why why why then!!!!. If there is one, he hates me. Just take me already!!!!

    It never, ever gets better. It will only get worse every second that goes by. Nothing will change. Maybe it will for some of you here. Not me. Lear from me. Drugs were my only enjoyment/escape, and I don't see how I'll stay drug free. I've overdose too many times, cut, tried to choke myself, and, drank myself into a state of pissing myself in the ER.

    Cherish even 1 genuine person in your life. They'll get sick of you real quick, when you are a depressed mess, as I am.

    I love you, and always will. Until I take my last breath on this stupid earth.

    Ready anytime...
  2. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member

    Even when committed, I just fake it until I can get out. I don't want help, treatment, or to be medicated. I want to drink myself to death.
  3. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member

    I'm in love with and online friend, and I'll never meet him. All we did was skype about 50 times. I love him more than words can explain. He would be my reason to live. I talk to him only when I can hide my depression, an suicidal thoughts. He knows everything about me. I just don't think he'll ever love me, in the way that I would need. I love being male. But I often wish I was a woman, so I could've been his girlfriend. This is what I'm going through now. He is bisexual. I'm all mixed up now, and there is nothing anyone can really say here, as you can see to help.

    Anybody else going through something similar? Would like to know I'm not alone. I don't care if you yell, or bash me. I'll take anything at all.
  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry you are in so much pain that getting better and seeing the chance to be happy is not something you want anymore.

    First - yes - I do believe it is possible to make real relationships even if it is online. I have real friends here- people here thta are far more important to me than anybody outside my immediate family in "real life" so your situation on that i snot alone or impossible. It is very easy to corner yourself online by hiding parts of yourself (ie - don't talk when depressed and angry etc ) that make you question if it could ever work in the real world if you met. The only way to know for sure is to start hiding less and see.

    So far as the drinking- yes everybody in the world with a substance abuse problem faces the same lie- the substance they abuse and their addiction convinces them it is the only thing that really works and that they need that to get by so they throw everything else away. You can believe it or not but i suspect you already know on some level until that is dealt with you are correct, your future looks pretty shitty. Take that one issue out of there and suddenly 90% of your other issues are not problems anymore.

    I wish I had some real advice in the form of a simple answer but I do not have anything but what your Doctors and stuff have already said - need to deal with that one issue- and you do not wan tot deal with that one because it is your only constant sure thing in life. I will offer my true belief that their is a better life available to you if you decide to take that step however- and giving up one thing for EVERYTHING else is a pretty good trade when you decide to give it a try.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    - Ben
  5. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member

    Thank you Ben. I really want to live for this man. I emailed him 4 times, and told him. He said pretty much what you just said to me, almost word for word. He said, I've already accepted you will die this way. I'm not sure I can give it up, and he's not clean either. I might just go ahead and take a chance, what do I have to lose at this point - nothing!

    He is all I think about. I worked hard to get him on track. He is much closer to bettering himself that I (thanks to me). I'm truly happy I was able to do that for him. It was worth it. I cherished every second with this great man. I'm not sure how I'm coming across here, I cry a lot these day, and am sensitive. I'm not a jerk at all.

    Again your advice means a lot more that you realize. I lived in NY for about 1 year, and was a happy guy then 1994. My memories of Fordham road is something I hope I never forget. I didn't drive then. I walked, and was fearless. Now, I''m a hermit.

    Just thank you friend

  6. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member

    Things have changed now since that last posting, and not for the better I'm afraid. This guy I was talking about ripped my heart out, and there is simply nothing left of me.

    I want to just die <mod edit- guidelines>. I can't do this anymore. I have no purpose here anyway. All I do cause people more problems, and I'm a burden to everyone.

    It will never get better for me, ever. My future is looking pretty shitty indeed, and I just can't stop drinking now.

    I just hate my rotten life. The world will be a better place without me. Really, my death will be no great loss to anyone, honestly.

    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 3, 2014
  7. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry you are feeling so low now, but to be very honest as you mentioned in this original post you are tired of everything seeming like lies, drinking heavily and filling yourself with a known depressant that makes you lower and more depressed is contributing to you feeling worse, not making it better.

    I hope you are on here some this weekend to talk to people and by talk to people i mean talking about what all is going on in your life and discussing ways to change things or things you can try to make things better. Without actions to change things it is not realistic to expect them to get better but with yourself having helped so many people here I am sure that you realize with lots of people here to help support your plans to change it is possible to make it through bad times and find solutions to make life at least a little bit better.
  8. fosty

    fosty Well-Known Member

    It's so hard to hear someone is destroying themselves and can see it. You sound really scared and fed up with life. I'm glad at least you're still coming on here and reaching out, never stop doing that. I know what you mean when you say you're great at helping others but not yourself. The trick is to see yourself as someone as worthy of compassion as those you're helping. Give some kindness to yourself <3
  9. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member

    I have a lot to think about.

    Thank you kindly for your support, and heartfelt advice. Please know I read each and every word from you both [NYJ & Fosty]

    I'm going to remove suicide off the table for the time being. I'm really hurting badly, and in a personal way, that even I can not convey properly on here.

    I'm truly sorry, I have not words to describe what I'm going through atm. I'll try later if I have more energy.
  10. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member

    Okay, this is partly due to "Seasonal Affective Disorder", from which I suffer badly this time of year. I don't want to die, I just want something I'll never have, a real life. I guess I'm okay with online life. Even with this I wind up getting hurt in the end. People just use me, and have no problem ridding me once they have gotten what they wanted/needed.

    I will try to use this forum to try to get through this truly desperate time in my life.

    I'll just say this much. Shorty, I'll be needing to utilize certain sub-forums myself here in order to better express what I'm dealing with. However, I'm just not ready yet.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 3, 2014
  11. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member

    I've never been more scared of myself in my entire life actually. How I'm going to make it through the next 3 months is beyond me?!?
  12. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    :hug: I'm sorry you're hurting so much. We'll help you through the dark times; here if there's anything I can do.
  13. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much WildCherry, and you have always been so supportive. Yes, this a far cry from my usual jovial self.

    The support here is without question overwhelming, and I know its sincere.

    I would like to make sure other members understand, nothing at all here, from what I read, or from other member has caused this in any way. This was building up, and I've been carrying this around for quite some time. Actually, I feel people might be avoiding me, in part, because they feel I'm in a fragile state. Sadly, this is only making my problems worse, and increases my feeling being all alone.

    At some point, I'll just need to simply come clean with everything I'm going through. Honesty has never been a problem for me anyway.

    I know that might have not mad much sense, but I'm just at my wits end.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 3, 2014
  14. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    What you said made perfect sense. :hug: Nobody can be jovial all the time. It's okay to need help and support, and to reach out for it.
  15. DianeD

    DianeD New Member

    Hey you. I know your pain. But please start to look at yourself and what you have to offer for yourself. I know its pointless at the moment, you couldn`t give a flying fuck to what I`m saying. I`m 48 years old, been up and down all my life..been down for the past 2 weeks and that is why I am here. I don`t want to die and I don`t think you want to. You have to bounce back and I believe you can. x
  16. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member

    Its a comfort to know I'm not alone, I'll say that much. I'm in my early 40's myself.

    No, I do give a flying fuck, and really appreciate your advice/care. I am glad you chose to join our forum, and make your first posting to offer me support. This means a lot to me right now, knowing strangers actually care enough to help me, while suffering themselves.

    I'm sorry you have been down for 2 weeks. As you can see, I'm still alive an kickin', so this forum has been of great help to me, and I know it will be for you, as well.

    Thank you believing in me, and I also believe in you.

    See you around the forum(s), and its a pleasure to meet you DianeD :)
  17. Husky

    Husky Well-Known Member

    Hi W Miller, Thank you for having the courage to share how you're feeling and I'm sorry you're not feeling so well at the moment. You mentioned that you think you're a burden and that you've been carrying so much. Please let us do some of the lifting for you. There are so many people who want to help and would be more than happy to lighten the load if they can. That's what we as people should do. Take care my friend and try and stay strong. I'll keep thinking positive thoughts for you. Husky.
  18. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    you can't accurately come to this conclusion unless you have the power to predict the future. life is ups and downs.
  19. fosty

    fosty Well-Known Member

    My best friend used to get S.A.D. and she bought this special lightbulbs called Sad Lights and used them in her kitchen. They're pretty bright and have some special quality to them, she's never had a relapse since she bought them
  20. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member

    You're the best Husky, and I always appreciate your positive attitude. I'm honest, I'll say that much. Why bother telling lies, when I'm in need of support. So, thank you for saying I have courage. I'm just being me. I wish the world had more people such as yourself, what a better world this would be. Yes, I agree, people should support each other during their rough times. However, lately, most of my "supposed" friends have up an ran as soon as they got what they wanted from me. I'm a Pee Pee to them. Nope the other - PP = People-pleaser unfortunately. I put their needs ahead of my own.

    Thanks, I need to remember this when I have my dark days. You mean, I've been paying all this money to my physic for nothing??? Sorry, lame attempt at levity.

    I wanted to check into that, however, My S.A.D. is also caused by other factors, such as, certain people that were close to me in my life, will not be there for me this year, as they were this difficulty time of the year for me in the past.

    As always, thank you for all your support.

    Greatly appreciated.
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