Well I have just got out of hospital. Seems as though I cut a little too badly. Very serious, lost a lot of blood and also with the alcohol in my system caused me to collapse. I was walking to the hospital to get stitched up as I knew I needed to and I remember someone calling an ambulance. I passed out when I got in to the ambulance. I woke up in the resus room on fluids and having my heart monitored as was going superfast. Apparantly I was out for about 3 hours. They nearly transfered me to the ITU but I came around. So I was transfered to a ward and kept in for observation as they said some levels in my blood weren't right. I saw the same guy from the psych medicine department and he sat with me for about half an hour talking about stuff. He was better this time. On Monday he was useless but he listened to me. He was saying about choices. It was hard to speak to him properly as there was nowhere to go and so it was by the bedside. We were talking about my self harming behaviour and how I said I was really scared about it as things are getting worse. Each time I do it it needs to be deeper and bigger than the last time. He was saying about the alcohol and that I am using it as a crutch. I disagreed. I said that ok, I admit last night I drank with the intention of getting wasted and then cutting and was all pre-meditated. But a lot of the time I don't drink like that, I drink as I enjoy wine. And, sometimes it comes on from nowhere. I said about how I was feeling low again and he said that is not why you are cutting. He still thinks it is because I have started my course and I am scared of failing. I don't know if he is right or not. I have said that I am really enjoying it and I am. But I do wonder if he does have any sense in what he says. I did admit to him that the self harming didn't stop, just the severity of it. And the methods used. Anyway, he said he would speak to these harmless people... www.harmless.org.uk for me and try and get something set up with them for me to go to. I said about my GP refering me to this team and he said it wasn't a good idea for me to get pulled in to the system as of the career and course I am doing. It's best to keep it out of that and then wont screw me up. He said what ever I do it's my choice. And he kept going on about making choices. I explained to him it wasn't as easy as that as can not make the decision just to stop self harming. He said he appreciated that but I need to do something soon, the severity of it is getting bad. He said I could accidently kill myself or lose a leg or something like that. So he was trying scare tactics. To give him his dues it has made me think about it. But I know when I want to self harm that wont come in to it. So, he has been a bit more useful and he said he would call me in the next couple of days to let me know what he has said to these Harmless people and to see how I am getting on. So, my opinion has changed of him now. The medical doctor said he would like me to speak to someone from there before discharging me. I said I would but I was honest with him and said I found the last guy I spoke to a waste of time and patronising. I really hope it didn't get passed over to him....can you imagine my feelings when I see him walk down the hospital ward. I don't know what is going to happen now or how long it will take but I want something sorted soon. I can't continue like this really. I don't want to be self harming. I want to live a normal life. I am just struggling with that at the moment!