First off, I hope I'm posting this in the right place. Over the past 10 years or so, I've seen several different doctors, therapist, counselors and such. And I've been diagnosed with everything from PTSD to schizoaffective disorder. I used to be on medication and see a therapist on a regular basic. But about two and a half years ago, I decided to stop taking my meds. (I know that some people are very against that idea. And I'm not saying it's the right choice for anyone, I only know it was the best choice for me personally.) See, the problem was when I was on my meds I missed some of the symptoms of my...whatever it is. So I told my doctor and therapist that I was going off of them because I wanted to have those symptoms back. My doctor said I was nuts (not her exact wording, but that was the jist) and my therapist refused to see me anymore unless I went back on my meds. So things have been...okay-ish. I go up and down a lot. For the most part I would say I'm okay. Sometimes I get real down and start thinking in a bad way, but I usually pull out of it eventually. Thing is, I've been really down for the past few weeks. And I'm scared all the time. I can't sleep because I'm scared. And when I crash because I'm so tired I have nightmares. Which only makes me not want to sleep more. And I'm not sure how much longer I can take this. I feel like I have no one that I can talk to this about. I have a couple friends. But A) I don't want to worry them and B) I feel like they will think I've failed or shove it in my face that I went off my meds. I thought about trying to find a new therapist, but I'm worried about that too. I DO NOT want to go back on my meds. I just want someone to talk to. But I worry that I can't really talk too much or someone will force me to take meds or stop seeing them again. So then I think, maybe I'll just find someone that I can tell some things to and not others. But without the whole picture, can anyone really help me? So I guess I'm just at a loss and wondering if anyone has gone through something similar or has any advice. Sorry that this got a little rambling. Hope I made sense.