Self destruction

[Setara]

I honestly feel like the title describes my life right now. I know it's probably super cliché for the reason to be a failed relationship, but this person has destroyed me and stolen from me what I feel to be my very identity. He was my everything and he pretended very convincingly that I was his. And I don't know why he couldn't be the person he was pretending to be or why, even when he was being his true horrible self, I still loved him dearly.

I feel robbed. As if I lost the sense to trust, as if he raised these walls around my heart himself, as if he piles up all my hurt and tears into this tight chest where they remain supressed until I can't take it anymore. I'm genuinely scared that he has taken my ability to ever fall head over heels in love with someone.

Since him I've met a guy, someone who wanted to take me abroad and treat me and spoil me and told me every night that he loved me and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't say it back. Because I'd be lying. And he was very understanding of that, but it got to a point where I felt like I'm a lost case and I told him to let me go. And he did.

I've now met another, we went out today where we went to the zoo, he bought me flowers and we had lunch and went to the cinema afterwards. We had so much fun but I get home and feel so anxious about the sudden expectation of it developing into a relationship. I'm scared because I don't feel anything, nothing. I don't feel like me, I feel like some empty egg shell and every day is a little tap that just gets harder and harder until I crack. And when I crack it's the same chest splitting pain that makes my head spin and stomach churn as if I just lost the love of my life again. And I cry because why couldn't he be the person he was pretending to be.

I'm scared that I'm sabotaging my own life, in many more ways than just relationships, and that it'll never change. That I'll take this pain with me to my grave. I feel as if I died a long time ago and now I'm just dragging myself through the days. I'm not living, I'm not surviving, I wouldn't even say I make it through most days. I don't know what to do because I yearn for him but I know how unhappy I was in that relationship. But I still want it because I still love him. Why can't I love someone else, why is he still selfish even when he's not in my life anymore with my love.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so very hopeless

 

[PhoenixFailed]

Have you given yourself time to heal from the first relationship? Getting into next relationships too early can be hard. For you, it sounds like it triggers you to remember your ex. For me, I just find another not so positive relationship to get into.

Also, give yourself time to value you. You are your everything. Someone else is just bonus if it works.

 

[Setara]

The thing is, I don't know how to let myself heal and how to forgive myself. I've tried before but it doesn't seem to have changed much

 

[Dcb]

Hi setara. I feel very much the same about my ex partner. she walked out of my life after promises of a family and a life together. I am
Struggling to forgive myself for not being able
To just walk away and find myself again. I am sorry you are going through this pain. It is so palpable for me and I feel so utterly broken by it. I have dated since but I feel nothing. She was my everything.

 

[PhoenixFailed]

The thing is, I don't know how to let myself heal and how to forgive myself. I've tried before but it doesn't seem to have changed much

That part I am trying to work on myself too. Right now, on top of getting medical care for PTSD, depression and anxiety as well as going to counseling, I use this site for support, am trying meditation, yoga and trying to be grateful for the things I do have. It is hard and I am not anywhere near my goal, but I'm trying.

Are there things you think you could try? Maybe one small thing to make you feel better today?