I've read this is common in major depressive disorder. A part of me wanted to deny my episodes were major, another part always knew that minor never felt right. It's so hard, though, to explain to professionals what I am feeling. When I can't even put it into words myself. All I know is that sometimes, I wake up, and I stare at the ceiling, and I feel like something really bad is going to happen. Depression is getting bad for me. It comes and goes in waves. I think back to February and wonder how I even survived that month. I was so bad crying that not even my own mother knew how to comfort me. I would be washing the dishes and I'd just start crying. I'd be at the computer. And I'd just start crying. She felt so powerless, she eventually gave me money to buy Irish cream. Because that's how my family deals with things. We drink. But that's not healthy. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling the sense of doom, the dread. I hate feeling like every day of my life is going to be like this. Endless. I remember a song I used to listen to as a teenager. I hate the band now, but the lyrics... I get them now. My days are way too long, and my nights are sleepless. And the answer everyone gives me is always medication. Always. But medication won't change my environment. Medication... I was on it. It changed nothing. It killed my creativity. It made my eating disorder worse. And it did nothing but make me a zombie. I just want someone to talk to most days. And I guess that's why I'm posting here. I don't even want a friend. I'm bad with friends. I just want someone who gets it. Someone I can message sometimes. Because I feel like this black shadow is filling my very being... even just talking here... on this board would suffice, I think.