Sexual abuse

Depth951649068

Well-Known Member
#1
My 18-year-old brother has disclosed sexual abuse from his male guardian
He has been at the address since age 5 and the sex had been going on for around 10 years
He has also been neglected
He can't read ;write talk properly ride a bike swim make decisions and has always been scruffy
The guardians are his dads sister and her partner
The police are now involved but I don't k now if the case will progress
How can I support him meanwhile
I live 200 miles away
Any males here been sexually abused
How has it affected you
How can I help him
 

Shush

Well-Known Member
#2
Hi Depth
I am sorry to hear this has happened to your brother. I am glad to know that the authorities are involved and that the abuse has stopped.
In terms of support - the most important thing is “being there” for him, even from a distance. Stay in contact with him as best as you can.
Reassure him that you believe him and that it was never his fault. The only people to blame are his guardians. Those 2 things alone are the most important things.
Don’t ask him for details, but if you are “ok” with hearing then don’t shut him down if he wants to share. No shame if you can’t hear it. Gently tell him you love him and suggest he share details with a trained professional to help him cope.
If he asks questions be as honest with him as you can be - even if the answer is that you don’t know but will try to get answers for him.
Talk about things you used to talk about. Don’t let him believe that the only important thing about him is the abuse. Let him know that all the good things about him and that you two shared are still there too.
And most importantly - recognize that you might need some support too. It is hard to know a loved one is going through this. And remember - as much as it was not your brother’s fault, it also isn’t your fault. You did not let him down in any way. The fact that you are asking how to help now only proves how much you care for him and want the best for him
Hugs
Mel
 

lightning05

Well-Known Member
#3
@Depth951649068 I am so sorry to hear that your brother has been sexually abused. That truly is devastating. I am not a man but I was sexually abused over a period of a few years. I am glad that authorities are involved and I hope that the abusers face the appropriate and necessary punishment. I agree with Anttmel that the most important thing is to be there for him and to listen. Don't push him to describe the acts or the details. In my own personal experience I don't really remember specifics about what was done to me, mostly because your brain "shuts down" when something that horrible is happening as a way to protect us. I remember the feelings though.

Stress to him that the abuse does not define him, as Anttmel also said. He is not just a victim and limited to that, he is a human being who is loved and cared about by you and others with gifts and talents. I do hope he is getting professional help and tell him that it's okay for him to ask to switch therapists if he isn't connecting with the current one. It may take years for him to process all of this and move on. It took me about 7 years total to come to terms with it all. There is hope. When he's ready for the next step, a support group may be helpful because it will help him feel less alone.

I wish the best for you both. Just try your best to be there for him and do not feel guilty (although I know it's hard). The only guilty ones are the abusers themselves.
 
#4
Sorry that your brother has gone through such horrible mistreatment from his guardians

I wonder if talking to a therapist who specializes in child sex abuse could give you some suggestions about how to handle this

It's really good that you are trying to help him
 

Walker

Admin-a-monkey
Staff member
ADMIN
SF Social Media
SF Supporter
#5
Ten years is an absurdly long time for your brother to have endured this abusive crap. I hope his guardians rot for that. What a terrible, terrible situation that is. I'm so sorry to hear that. (and also that I have no actual advice for you here)
 

Depth951649068

Well-Known Member
#6
Just an update the police sent to his house after I called them and he refused to talk to them.
I also can't be there for him in person as I'm 200 miles away and have been for 7 years .
There's going to be a badendijg to this I know
 

WolfGoddess

Well-Known Member
#9
I agree with all the advice given - I was never assaulted but I have therapy training. The only thing i'd add is about them sharing with you. I agree that you shouldn't ask or push for details, i would even be cautious is he wants to share. It is better if he talks with a professional as talking about it could re-traumatize him. Again, i'm not suggesting shutting him down of he wants to talk, but be aware that it could be very difficult for him and you.
 

WolfGoddess

Well-Known Member
#10
Bad ending it's meant to say
That's horrible, i'm sorry this is happening to your brother and you. If he isn't willing to talk then there aren't really any good options.

I do want to add - kind of in response to comments about the guardians - i agree with them, but also if he does choose to talk with you about it i think it's better to avoid judging them. Let him lead the way in terms of opinions about them, he may not immediately be willing to blame them (as that reinforces what happened to him), and the goal is to support him, the criminal justice system will (hopefully) take care of them.
 

lightning05

Well-Known Member
#11
Even if he refuses to talk to police I hope they open an investigation because those are serious allegations that they should look in to. Unfortunately he may not be ready to deal with it all, as it is so much to handle going through something like that. I wish you and your brother the best. Is there anywhere else he can live in the meantime if he wants to? Any other relatives nearby or friends?
 

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$180.00
Goal
$255.00
Top